BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Friendships

I've noticed lately that a lot of people in my age range (I am 25), so let's say 20-29ish are quite immature. Not everyone of course, but such a large amount. Just recently I have been dealing with these two ex-friends of mine. Seriously, for 2 people into their 20's they couldn't be more immature. It's like the high school clique thing all over again. 2 people ganging up on the 3rd without telling me what the heck I did.

Maybe it's not even a question of immaturity. Maybe people just don't speak up. But in my opinion, if you can go blabbing constantly to a third party, you should be able to tell the person who was supposed to be a friend what happened. Is that how friendships are supposed to work? I certainly hope not.

So when you have a problem with a friend what do you do?
Do you talk to a mutual friend and seem to end up badmouthing the person?
Do you talk to the friend herself and work things out?

Let's be adults here. If your friendship is worth having, you'll talk to them. If cases like mine, I figure my friendsip wasn't worth having if I can't be approached about it.

I think most people have experienced this. I call it "triangulation"... because rather than speak to you directly about their issue with you, they talk to someone else about it (creating a triangle), and not in a "can you give me advice to improve the relationship?" kind of way, but just complaint or sometimes even slander.

I agree it isn't very mature, but i've seen people of all ages do it. I try to remember too if i'm the one being "confided in" to ask the person if they've talked to so-and-so yet and tell them bluntly they've got to do that, and to try to say things that diffuses the negativity, rather than join in with any fault finding.

When i've been caught on the receiving end i sometimes try to talk to the person about their complaints. It's tricky... if i'm feeling defensive, it won't work. I have to be caring and genuinely interested in listening for it to have any chance of working. And then again... sometimes they're just not worth it and you can find better friends.

Interesting. My oldest daughter declares life is just like junior high. In small town America in particular. She has a valid point. True friends are very hard to come by, we have aquaintances, and people we do things with once in a while. But true friends, are rare. If I could pick my sister it would be you friends.

True friends really are hard to find.
The saddest part is one of these girls was a friend for 7 years. But looking back, I do realize she liked to "triangulate" with me, in talking badly about others. I did prefer to give her advice rather than talk badly too. I hate to hear people constantly complain anyway. But she liked that drama. Now I suppose she is just doing to me what she did to so many others before.

In your case please speak heart to heart with your friends. No indirect approach. If things turn out OK, good, otherwise forget the friends. that is my opinion.

It took me many years to realize that if i had a new friend who spoke badly of anyone else at length or unfairly, sooner or later it would come around to my turn. It always will.

Now if i meet someone and they go out of their way to complain about someone they know, i don't try to be friends with the complainer. And if i meet a single man who complains often of his ex, i won't date him. This has saved me a lot of time and spared me from hurt.

A friend of mine used to tell me, "Watch how your date treats a waitress. That's how he'd treat you in five years."

You can tell how someone will treat you one day, by how they are treating others.

What if the man has a genuine complain about his ex.?