BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development I care too much...

...about what other people think.
Well, not everyone. Mainly my parents and my bf's parents. I guess the adults in our lives. This could even include the other adults in his family. I say this and I sound like I am not an adult. I am almost 26. That's the problem. I feel like such a child. I've lived with my bf since I was 19. I'm starting to feel a little ridiculous. Even my bf who is almost 28 gets treated like a child. At Easter dinner the other night I was told by his mother to watch how much he drank, as if he doesn't know better. He was going to share one beer with myself and ended up not even drinking it by his own choice. Even if he'd had some he knows better than to drink more than a little. And now we are wanting to start a family and we're not married yet, though we're planning to hopefully this year. And all these thoughts make me want to stop my plans before even doing anything. Like I will be sent to my room for being bad. Maybe they won't like s anymore because we aren't doing things their way.

Does anyone else care to much what certain people think about their actions?

April, yes I also care what certain people think... and I'm in my forties! But I'm more concerned with what you said about wanting to stop your plans. I was married at the age of 23. Before that, we lived together for a couple of years. During that time, more than once I remember feeling like I had serious doubts about getting married. It was my inner voice talking to me and I should have listened to it. Four years ago, we separated and are now going through a long, drawn-out divorce. Please don't make the same mistake I did. If you're having doubts, don't ignore them. They're there for a reason.

I think that all of us think about what some people think about us.

Oh, no, I don't have doubts at all. Actually I am very eager to begin this new part of my life.
Maybe it's hard to explain exactly how much I feel like a child. I should mention that my bf's parents are very right and wrong about absolutely everything. Anything anyone does is a reflection of them (so they too also care very much about what others think of them!). But they like me and my parents like him.
This is going to sound stupid, but even the thought of saying to either set of parents "we're pregnant," makes me sooo nervous.
I've decided that I simply need to grow up. I am an adult and as much as his parents might act like we are still teenagers, we're not.

I'm in my late forties and am thrilled to care less and less about what others think.

hi pinkhighlighter,

Everyone cares more or less what others think, particularly if they are close to us. But i think what might help you, and your boyfriend, is if you spend time thinking about what you believe in, how you wish to behave, what you stand for, and what you would like to work towards in your life. The more each of us knows these things, the more we feel grounded and strong.

Let me give you an example. I know how i personally feel about drinking, and how i wish to behave concerning it. I'm not against drinking, and even occassionally will have a drink like perhaps a glass of wine. But i am also certain i am absolutely against giving in to social pressure to drink, and feel that everyone has the right to refuse. So i was at a wedding reception one time, for the brother of the guy i was engaged to at the time. When the toast came, i asked for juice or soda to toast with, because i just didn't want champagne, i happen not to like it. My potential mother in law insisted i drink with champagne and was a little nasty about it, but i stuck to my guns and felt calm and was polite, but immovable. If i hadn't known ahead of time how i felt about pressure to drink, i probably would have given in, but resented it. The mother was irritated for a few minutes, but before long it didn't matter anymore, and i think in the end, she respected me for following what i believed.

I don't think being completely rigid and close minded is a good thing, but i find that knowing what i believe in at least for now (hopefully we grow) has helped me so many times to not be confused, manipulated, or bullied, and has helped me feel good about myself.

So think on your own, regularly, when you have time alone... about all sorts of subjects. You also might enjoy having discussions with your boyfriend about what you believe together, but make sure to have your own seperate opinions, too.

Thank you for that. In so many cases I don't care what others think of what I do. Maybe it's because we are so close to them and they will be disappointed. I'm not close to my mom and dad and they don't live nearby, so that's not as much a concern for me.
I don't want to care what they think, but since I know how they react to things they don't like it makes me cringe already, lol.
You know what I mean.
I need to act more adult anyway, instead of allowing myself to be talked to like a child. That certainly doesn't help.

Yes.

We have three parts in us.

Child, parent and adult.
When we are in the Child part, we think like a child and so on.
Maturity comes when we remain largely in adult part.
Am I making my meaning clear?

oh no! hahaha... i'm in trouble.

Not to split hairs... well maybe to split them...., but i think each role (child, parent, adult) can be done well or poorly.

I like the direct sense of a child. They often keep things simple, and so avoid some of the mistakes adults make. They also are better than most of us at appreciating nature and having a fresh perspective and optimism.

Parents can be great at nurturing others and teaching.

Adults can be good at seeing worthy projects through to completion, and making decisions responsibly.

I like to have a part of each in me. When i get too serious i try to bring out the child again, so i can remember the wonder of the world, see things without judgment, and love more freely.

I don't care nearly as much as I used to about what people think of me. However, I still prefer to avoid criticism rather than to ignore it, which means that I end up telling the more judgmental members of my family (my mother included) very little about my personal life. She doesn't know I'm an atheist. She has never met the guy I'm seeing. She has no idea who I really am. It's a shame, but it has always been the response I've had to resort to in order to keep her from harshly judging and ridiculing me. She is one of those black-and-white thinkers who sees any opinion that differs from her own as defiance, so I've been avoiding conversations about anything of real meaning since childhood.

These days, we do get into the occasional vociferous argument about politics, but I try not to let her drag me into one of these very often. In other words, I'm not as easily pushed around as I once was, but I'm careful to pick my battles. On the other hand, when it came down to me telling her that I was going to divorce, I thought I was going to die, even though she herself, and practically everyone else in the family, is divorced as well.

At least she's not a complete busybody, and she's a very good grandmother. Although there are many qualities about her push me away from any sort of truly intimate friendship, I can at least admire her for her dedication to her grandchildren. Sad as it is, sometimes the only way to handle the control-freaks in your life is to take back control yourself and limit the influence they have over you. It also helps that my Mother lives 45 minutes away -- just close enough that we can go for dinner every few weeks and my daughter can spend the weekend, but not so close that she's contantly in my business.