BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Ex wife destroying marriage

I need some help. I am married to a man that was my soulmate. We should have had a wonderful life except for the ex-wife. To make a long story short, I am an attorney and work for a large corporation. After we got married she vowed "he would never see his children if he did not divorce me" She used the children to serve me with a lawsuit she abandoned. She then filed for sole custody of the children using excuses such as "he was late picking up the children" She had played games for close to two years and the courts did not stop her. To try to protect the children he agreed to give up custody and visitation.

The lawsuit she filed caused all kinds of issues for us. I filed a lawsuit against her for malicious prosecution and the court found that two of claims were without probable cause which basically means they were fraudulent. This is not the end.

My husband pays a lot of child support and medical expenses. He was sent by the ex medical costs for their then twelve year old daughter for Valtrex in amounts used to treat genital herpes. She then refused to provide to him any information. This is all documented in e-mails. Prior to this she advised he should call doctors if he had questions.

The guilt caused him to drink heavily and he almost died. There was no reason not to provide the information except for trying to destroy him and our marriage. There is more but it has all been geared to destruction of our marriage which has occurred. We have not separated but there is nothing left.

She lives in North Carolina. They have a cause of action for alienation of affection. It is usually used against people that have affairs. It can be applicable to my situation. I am lucky I am a lawywer because I can handle this. I know all the sayings
" be happy and that is the best revenge". I have also heard "do not stoop to her level". What has happened to accountability? It is painful and embarrassing to have your personal information in open court, however women such as this will not stop until someone takes a stand. If having her held accountable will stop other women from causing this kind of pain then it is worth my time and embarrassment.

We should have been loving parents and step-parent but this woman has put her own vengeance above her children who needed all of us. Now we are dealing with veneral diseases in young girls. I guess however it is all worth it to her to "destroy our marriage". I would like to know what other women think about this.

Thanks.

Awful situation. She sounds evil but if you are absolutely sure that your marriage is over I think you should leave and move on. While the ex may be evil and purposely attempted to destroy your lives/marriage, you and your husband let her succeed. Your husband is responsible for his handling of the situation.

Don't continue to damage yourself by being involved with her in any way.

I know your pain of dealing with an ex wife that loves to stir up trouble. Luckily, my husband did not have any children with his ex wife but it does not make life easier when she decides to give us hell. She lives in Ohio and we are relocated in the South. We've had to move and not let her know our location in order to keep her from constantly trying to contact us. Unfortunately for us, we have a small business website with our location. We've tried to limit the personal information on it but we have to put in contact information for our customers. She has recently found this website and decided to try to contact us. We are now in search of a lawyer and a restraining order. I know there are kids involved but a restraining order is only a courthouse away. This can limit her contact with you and any violations can be reported to the authorities. I would definitely fight back on the child support and other claims for money she is trying to get. It also never hurts to get a little dirt on her by researching her criminal records online and speaking with people that know of her. You'd be surprised that most of the crazies have criminal backgrounds...and for due reason. Good luck!

~Amanda

I've been thinking about your post since I read it this week. I didn't reply immediately because I wanted to think about what your options are.

I do relationship coaching and couples seminars and there are many people who have problems with an ex, though, I must admit, not to the extent of your husband's ex. All situations are frustrating and have the potential to destroy. Yours is a nightmare.

This is something that may be hard to do but could save you your sanity and give you back your life. Walk away from her poison and begin your life anew.

This woman will not stop no matter what you do legally. She is mentally disturbed. From what you have said, she seems to be capable of causing you physical harm. I would be very careful.

Retraining orders are a joke. My Dad is a lawyer and he has always said that if these orders worked, no one would be killed by the person who was served with one.

Isn't your life worth living and living well? You are the most important person in your life. Take care of you. When you go after her legally you feed her sense of power over your life.

Walk away and try to put this horrible time behind.This woman is not worth your life.

Thank all of you for your replies.

Kristen, you are indeed perceptive. There have been physical threats over the phone although it was a man's voice. I did all the necessary things including calling the police. It was my intent to make sure there was a formal record. There is not day I do not look behind me.

Even though Kristen has written what most of my friends, lawyer and non-lawyers, have said to me, I am haunted by something else. Of course the most comfortable choice for me would be to "leave it alone". I have read and felt sorry for acquitances and friends that endured "bitter ex-spouses" and listened to the distress it has caused subsequent marriages and children. However, it was not until it happened to me that I began to question why it has been allowed to continue.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this. I think using children whether to punish an ex-spouse or destroy a subsequent marriage is wrong. I do not understand why people say it "is wrong" and then justify it with "oh well - a woman scorned".

Perhaps I am too idealistic, but I believe that telling my story can help make a difference. Of course ignoring behavior like this and using the "living well is the best revenge" may be a good option, but also bringing these issues including the use of children ( either by a man or a women) to the forefront and trying to obtain accountability is also a worthwhile use of time in my opinion. Some people call this vengeful - but where is the line between accountability (which I seek) and vengeance?

I hope if nothing else my experience will cause women to think, discuss and challenge themselves. Good luck to all of you and I wish all of you happiness.

Much luck to you. Just be careful of this woman and don't lose your soul to bitterness. You have a life waiting for you to live it.

I understand your desire to make this woman accountable for what she did, but don't let her take any more from you.

Be well,

Dear car,

You are right to bring this woman to accountability and hopefully the legal system will help you do this eventually. If anyone is able to do this then it would be you with your legal background. Through all of this however you and your husband need to be strong and supportive of one another. Only you can understand his feelings and his fears of not seeing his children again. Only he can understand your pain and fear. Don't let the threats separate you, you need each other's love and support and you need to be open and honest with each other to gain each other's trust, it is at times like this that you need draw together. Take time together to share your feelings for each other so that you can understand how each other is feeling. The most important thing is that you reaffirm your love for each other. If you are soul mates then the marriage is worth fighting for.

Thank you all for your replies. I am very happy that so many women have viewed this post. I think the whole Basinger - Baldwin dispute has raised awareness to the importance of not harming the children. The last person who responded mentioned that my husband needs his children. You are correct but she still uses these two innocent human beings to punish him and to harm us.

We contine to try and make the effort to stregthen our relationship but marriage is difficult enough without this type of person in our lives.

I felt sorry for my husband in the last few days. One of his daughters had a birthday. I question whether they have ever received any cards he has sent over the years. I told him however to send one because if his daughter ever wants to know the truth, he will have copies of the cards. I contine to hope that someday "truth will prevail" not for vengeance but for peace for all of us involved in this nightmare.

I read an editorial recently regarding the Baldwin matter saying that if he really "loved his child" he would realize the courts always favor the woman and give up visitation and custody. I do not know the facts of that case. I know this is what my husband tried to do. Unfortunately as I mentioned in my first post this caused a lot of issues and did not save his children and it had the effect of causing us pain.

Thanks for allowing me to share my thoughts. I wish all of you happiness. For those of you sufferring physical threats from an ex, please stay safe - protect yourself and your families. You are in my prayers.

Car

Thank you, Car. Your posts are thoughtful and mature. I hope all goes well for you. You are always welcome here.In fact, I hope you come back often just to add your ideas to any and all posts!

I thought I should update this with a somewhat scary, yet hopeful occurrence. I was told by my doctor that I should see a surgeon regarding a cyst in my breast and calcifications. I have always been so impressed by woman who remain strong when facing such issues. The surgeon advised yesterday that I should have a procedure done to test the calcifications, but even if there is an issue it would be caught early and could be treated.

My husband was very supportive. He told me that he appreciates that I have always stood by him and for the first time, I have hope that we may overcome the damage that the ex has done.

I felt I should write this tonight as I am hopeful for myself and all other women in my situation. Please keep trying to reach for happiness.

I was stubborn and busy at work and if it was not for my husband who forced me to go to the doctor this year and have a mammiogram, I could be facing a more difficult situation. Please remember that you cannot take care of your families unless you all take care of yourselves. Please make sure you all have regular exams. I wish everyone the best.