BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Do You Regret........?

If you are married and have children, several questions:

Did you actively plan to have children, (discuss having a family, make plans for when, etc.), or not?

Would you have waited longer to become a parent if you could have?

Were you and your spouse in agreement on the decision to have children?

Please note this is not about not loving your children. Also note that too many good, caring parents hesitate to answer this question due to fear of "social outcasting."

Do you regret being a parent and why.

Your comments and discussions, please.

yes I regret being a parent, but I don't dwell on it. Life is short, and I have no time to waste on empty emotions.

parenting is not all it's cracked up to be, because no matter what your own prsonal intentions, aspirations and desires for your children, there are never any guarantees that things will turn out as you dream.

But I was asked some time ago, what one bit of priceless and valuable advice I would give to my children - and that would be to not have any.

This world has enough mouths to feed, enough of an imbalance of power, and drastically reducing resources to keep populating it as we do.

Did you actively plan to have children, (discuss having a family, make plans for when, etc.), or not?
Yes, we planned to have children. It's something we discussed on I guess what could be called our second date. We wanted three before we had the first. We wanted them four years apart.
It hasn't all gone as planned. We had the first two and for health reasons, my husband wanted to stop there. The third came as a complete surprise a few years later.



Would you have waited longer to become a parent if you could have?
Just to be clear since this has always been a question posed to me...I was 17 when I had my first child.
I'd go back and do it again. I don't recommend teen marriage and parenting, it's very hard but I also don't regret it.


Were you and your spouse in agreement on the decision to have children?
Yes we were.



Do you regret being a parent and why.
No, I don't regret having any of my kids. There are definitely days where it is harder than others to see the wisdom and the joy in having three. But I think it's like anything else one does in life, there are days that are stressful but you come out still enjoying what you do overall. Parenting is like that for me.

My husband and I were out of college and married three years when our twins were born, but I thnk now that it would have been better to wait a few years more.So does he.

We love our children deeply but we would have been just as happy simply as a couple.

Kristen,

I was a weird kid whose experience with caring for young children began at a young age. By the time I was 15, I could manage my parent's home. So there was this at play certainly, I was ready to get on with getting on with my life.

Financially, we could have been better off. But it's only been this past year that we really have changed our views on money and managing it.

Healthwise, I am glad we had them so young. We have a three year old and the only regret I have is that I didn't have her when I was younger and healthier.

We had talked about having children after we got married but surprise I was pregnant I ended up having my daughter one year before we got married. Then one year after the wedding I was pregnant with number two. I was way to young at 20 to have two kids. Some people can handle it. I did handle it but wish we would have waited. I love my kids and they are the reason I am who I am today. I just look back and wonder what my life might have been had I waited.

OK, I've got 2 marriages w/ children - so this is a varied question...

Marriage #1, child #1 - Yes, we planned to have our son when we did - but I was only 19 yrs old (20 when he was born), and extremely naive at the time. We should have waited longer into our marriage to give us more time to develope our relationship.

Marriage #1, child #2 - no, our daughter was a surprise. We knew at the beginning of our marriage that we wanted 2 children, but by the time I was pregnant we were having off-and-on trouble in the marriage. Also our finances were in a really bad situation, so that pregnancy freaked me out. But then I almost lost her (early bleeding), and there was no way I was going to complain about it anymore - because whether or not she was "planned", she was wanted!

Marriage #2, child #3 - My last child was planned for, he just happened about a year earlier than we had talked about! LOL! But my husband and I already knew each other very well (since the 7th grade) had dated for 2 years - one as friends, one as serious, and had a year of marriage under our belts. So it wasn't as terrifying as the surprise of my daughter. We would have wished for better finances - but I think most parents wish for that!

I don't regret being a parent, but I do regret not being prepared for it. I think my oldest child especially suffered for the fact that I was not really ready.

Colland,

I think what people plan and hope for in their lives that matters.

For me, there isn't anything to look back to and wonder what if. Marriage and children were what I wanted. Everything else was in preparation for that.

My family has suggested I would have been happier if I had been born 100-200 years earlier, LOL.

I think we have some really good and honest dialogue going on here. Intelligent as well as heartfelt.

One of the things that has always troubled me is that "society" seems to expect a couple to have children after marriage and if they don't then it is assumed they can't. What "society" fails to see is that for some people not having children is a choice not a problem.

It is also assumed that all women have a maternal feeling. I don't think we are born with a mommy gene, I think it develops.

I have a new post within a post here-
Do you feel that you did not do for yourself what you wanted to do because you had children? In other words, what would you have done just for you?

College, particularly finishing my music ed degree. I did go back and get an associates at a later time - but decided on Surgical Tech because it seemed more "practical". But I miss music, and really want to teach. Hopefully when my youngest starts kindergarten (year after next) I can go back and do what I really want!

I think it's generational, what I want to say is--for example if your mom didn't go to college, you probably did, you may not have finished--and got married and had kids, but your kids probably finish college. If your mother went to college and finished, you probably did as well. To me it just seems like each generation tweeks what the generation before them did. I know my oldest finished college, then got married. My second daughter is in college without any intentions of getting married before she is done. They have plans. And I say good for them. To do over again, would I have done something different--definately, but not at the cost of not having the four kids I have. They definately mean more to me than any travel, career, etc.

I sometimes think that we are too influenced by what a professor of mine in grad school called a "sacrifice of self." She went on to explain that in many religions, which heavily influence societies, there is a call to scarifice the self. While this is good in general, it is not good to do so before you have "done" for yourself. She said too much sacrifice eventually causes anger and frustration.

I believe it is never to late to create the life you wanted and to give yourself what you didn't get.

Michelle, you will make a wonderful music teacher! Go for it!

"I have a new post within a post here-
Do you feel that you did not do for yourself what you wanted to do because you had children? In other words, what would you have done just for you?"

I am doing what I wanted to do with my life. It certainly hasn't happened exactly as I dreamed and planned but what does?

I am sure that if I had not been able to have kids, I would have managed to change my direction. And one day I won't have small children at home so I will need to change direction in my life anyway.

I suppose I'll find the time for my hobbies, my domestic pursuits and my writing.

Iwonder,

My family seems to be all off that board, LOL!

My mother was a book keeper but she did not work entirely through my childhood. She worked when she could count on childcare for us.

My parents wanted me to attend college and I absolutely refused. I love learning but I detest school and saw no value in college for myself.

My oldest daughter refuses to attend college and does not even have a real interest in knowledge.

well that's how it is at my house! LOL. I teared up the day my oldest graduated with honors from college! And no, I didn't finish my college education because I had a child my junior year, and she came first. There was no way she wasn't going to finish college. I believe it simply makes life easier, financially.

I do believe most of us would do thinks differently. Although I have no real regrets.

Children grow up and will lead their own lives as is right.

We need to have something for ourselves too.

With regard to your question (I'm paraphrasing here) as to whether having children impeded my/our own personal plans or development, well, yes. No question. It was due to a hormonally-caused and driven big pause between having one daughter and the next. 8 years, to be exact. so for us, the gap really did cause a huge hiatus in what we might have done had we had the kids closer together, or even just have had the one.....
But my life has take an altogether different turn again, now, and I find I really am my own independent person, and it certainly has its advantages!

Kristen,

I had hoped my oldest would attend college. As Iwonder said, it opens more doors these days. But I can't force her nor can I do the schoolwork for her.

She is choosing instead to set out on the career path she has worked on for herself. I can only hope she is happy and has no regrets later.

That is the wonderful thing about life. If we leave ourselves open to possibilities we can make good changes and be ready for the "turn."

Being your own person, who you want to be, creating your life, is something that can be done.

I did.

It isn't necessarily college, it is doing what you really want to do.

Yes, we did. Both times.



No, I was 27 when I had my first and 34 when I had my second. I waited 6 1/2 years between my two kids partially so I could complete my Master's degree and partially because I simply didn't think I could handle the stress of having kids any closer together.



Yes.



Sometimes. I think all choices that end up requiring a lot of sacrifices occasionally become overwhelming. Especially now as a more or less single parent (my ex-husband travels extensively), I sometimes wish I had more time to myself and fewer financial responsibilities. But I also get a lot out of having children, so in the end, I am glad I made the decision I did. This is not to say that there haven't been days when I wished I had a full-time nanny, cook, and housekeeper however!

Alicia,
So many of us do have days where we wish we had a cook, nanny, and maid!

You hit it right on target when you said,

"choices that end up requiring a lot of sacrifices occasionally become overwhelming."

I believe that too many couples don't realize the sacrifices they will have to make. Life is not like the sit-coms about families and kids that we see on TV.

I think college was a big one for me too!! I still think about going back but there never seems to be enough money to go!!! I was planning on being a teacher. I volunteer at the school alot and help out teaching a religious education class. I think I would have had a different life if I didn't have kids when I did but now that I have them they are the most important thing to me and I wouldn't trade them for the world!!

Oh yes! LOL! At least the housekeeper.