BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships not feeling the love

I have been with my fiance for nearly 2 years.I am 24 years old and he is 31 years old. We have been engaged for about 1 year and we have a 10 month old daughter. I suffer from clinical depression and I feel our relationship is not as good as it could be. He does not not show affection the way he did before the baby was born. Sometimes we go for days without even a single kiss or I tell him that I love him and I get no response or just a simple uh huh. I often talk to him to let him know what I want and how I feel- but it does no good. There are times when I ask him if the only reason he asked me to marry him, was because of the baby. How do I know that he really does love me and how can I get him to show affection and that he cares?

I'm not a psychologist, but first I hope your depression is being treated properly. Second, are you able to get counseling? Much has happened in the short time you've been together. Assuming he does love you, do you think he's capable of providing the kind of relationship you want? If you can both express yourselves honestly in a "safe" invironment (counseling) it might help.

first off my depression is being treated, and i am in couseling but i am the only one that will go. he feels that counseling will only make things worse because of problems with a previous failed relationship. i feel he compares that relationship with our own. i also believe that he is unable to provide the relationship that i would like because he does not want to put in the effort that it deserves.

This is quite common after birth of a child.

It's really good that you're taking care of yourself. I wish I could offer more positive advice, but the man situation just doesn't sound so good. Sadly, many times we already know the answers to our own questions. He refuses to go to counseling and you don't think he's able to provide the relationship that you want. Is this acceptable to you? Would you be happier on your own?

There is a really good chance I would be happier on my own, just for the simple fact that it is less stress. I also think that he cannot give my the type of relationship I would like to have because no one showed him how to give and recieve love. He was never given love from his parents, his parents divorced when he was a baby and his mother was always away and he never met his dad until he was a teenager. He basically was raised by his grandmother and his mothers boyfriend. I won't give up on trying to get him to express love the way he should- I love him too much to let that happen.

You're taking on a very difficult job. I know people like him - never loved properly and never can, too damaged. Everyone suffers. They never get the love they deserve and neither do those they're involved with. If HE doesn't think he has a problem it will be very difficult. I wish you luck and hope it works for you.

I know that it will be difficult, but I am going to try my best and hopfully I can get him to understand that he has a problem. If and once he realizes it I might even be able to convince him that going to counseling is the best option. If I was going to give up on our relationship I would have done it already.

Does your own clinical depression contribute to this issue?

My depression does contribute to this. That is alot of why i am in couseling. I have been having feelings like: why does he love me when i hate myself. I tried asking him and he said that he will tell me when the time is right. i have asked this at least once a week for the last three months. i am starting to believe that there is no reason and that the only reason he is still with me is for the baby and that he is in love with the idea of being in love.

"he will tell me when the time is right"???

This comment/behavior is alarming. He sounds manipulative. A mature healthy person would answer the question.

He said that he has trouble with answering the question because he does not know how and what to say. I told him to take time and think about it (even though he he shouldn't have to)then write it down and leave it somewhere that I can find it conveiantly.

From my own experience depressed people are sometimes really hard to have a conversation with. Don't take this wrong please! I remember being terrified to say the "wrong" thing, for fear I would just tip them over. He's not telling you what you want to hear, so maybe he's fearful of what you don't want to hear? I don't know. But it sounds like he too needs a boost. Counseling may be good for both of you.

I strongly believe that this man is trying to take care. It is your depression that makes you getstrange ideas and question everything he is doing. Why not get treated and get perfectly OK first? I am sure that if he was asked his opinion about his behavior, he will have a valid answer. Take care of your depression.

The man is not affectionate or responsive and won't go to counseling - he doesn't sound like a man who is trying to "take care" to me.

I have been told before the I make up things in my head, when I get depressed. I have realized that I am part of the problem, he does act as though he is afraid to talk to me about certain things. That may be the reason why he turns everything into a joke. As if he is trying to ease the tension. I usually become very aggravated and just don't bother with the subject. I think I will continue to give him reasons why we both should go to counseling, maybe he will change his mind. At least one of us is going, but I don't think much will change without him wanting to go.

"I have been told before the I make up things in my head" ... People can create scenarios and be completely convinced that they're correct about them. My suggestion would be to phrase your doubts or thoughts in the form of a question rather than anything resembling an accusation.

On the other hand, sometimes it's best to follow your instincts. Sorry - I'm no help at all! It's a good thing you're seeing a counselor! If you can get him to go that would be great.