BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Body Image Body image after babies and men?

Why is it many of our husbands seem so keen for wives to have babies (as we are too very often) yet they continue many of them at least to desire the pre baby bodies of women who clearly carry no stretch marks or sags. Im not talking about weight or other things within our control but the things that often naturally change beyond our control after bubs.....My husband says although he loves my body if he had the choice for it to look the same as before baby he would choose it...I think that the types of images presented in mens mags pretty much support the types of female bodies men admire most....It just seems totally unjust (even though I know we end up with absolutely beuatiful children ) it always seems to be the 20year old flawless blonde I see hubby eyeing off (incidently most men who I see in the streets seem to do the same) not the average wife and mom....I feel becoming a mother has really damaged my body image...and my youngest child is 8. Shouldnt I just be over it by now?

If you feel your husband finds you less than absolutely desirable and less than the most beautiful woman he has ever seen...there is no getting over it because it hurts.

Men age as well and should the women in their lives feel they aren't the men they used to be? I sincerely doubt that the 20 year old blonde is going to see the aging 50 year as a delectable treat.

I feel fortunate on this one. My husband tells me he thinks I am more beautiful now than before children. He seems to think my stretch marks and sagging breasts are beautiful to him. I thought he was nuts but he put it into perspective for me.

The why of it? He sees my body and knows the marks and sagging represent the most important things in his life. He looks at them and knows he really has a wife, he really has a family...those are badges of the time I spent carrying and feeding the children we had together. This makes him feel good.

Wow, what a great husband you have, Brandy! How sweet and touching; if only they could all be so thoughtful.

We all get caught up in those images of perfection we see in the media and even on the streets. I think expecting a woman to look the same after baby may be a little immature. A man like that isn't looking at his wife as a mother, nurturer, care giver, partner, etc etc -- he's looking at her as a body. I don't mean to slag your hubby Biscuitgirl, but I wish he'd see you for what you are: the mother of his children, the love of his life, the keeper of the home, the caregiver of everyone you love!

I don't think it's as easy as just getting over it (your perception of your body). Loving and accepting who you are now, in your entirety, may be a lifelong process as your body gives way to gravity and age....

You are not your appearance! You are your soul, personality, intelligence, creativity -- your appearance is a small fraction of who you are as a woman!

Laurie,

Thoughtful? Maybe so. He has a looong list of hurts and issues. We have finally been able to unravel some things and work on them. One thing is that he doesn't believe he deserves me.

This doesn't mean he doesn't have his moments where I wonder if he needs to be bopped on the head but we have a good foundation to work from when we do have problems.

Hi Ladies thanks for your replies.




HisBrandy (was this a reference to our previous discussion on me being a working mother? I sure would hope not as my husband ABSOLUTELY UNEQUIVICABLY knows he has a wife and family and loves us dearly)
Although I had asked my question of my husband and received his 'honest reply I was actually asking in more general terms as I have seen the same attitude in heaps of men. (hence the many many married men that one sees leering at young women in malls, buying mens mags etc (my husband is NOT one of these men).
My friends husband complains thats he body doesnt look like pre baby when he is around friends (Ive heard him with my own ears) but if she asked him the same question I asked my hubby I can almost garantee her he would deny it.....It seems to me a lot of husbands really do think this was (otherwise why wouldnt mainstream mens mags WHICH ARE HUGELY SUPPORTED BY MARRIED MEN) show bodies like the wives and mothers of these men.....Are all the hubbys buying it being ripped off and wishing the models were 40+ with stretch marks or is the mag simply providing what MOST men hold as the ideal of female beauty. This is my question. Of course none of this takes into account the deep emotional bonds between women and men but Im talking purely from aestheics

I shared what my husband said to me about his thoughts and feelings in regards to my after baby body. That has absolutely nothing to do with you.

So you were not posting about something you deal with on a personal basis or with your own husband?

Pregnancy does different things to different people. So does age and so do choices. There's no guarantee, having children or not having children. Over the course of four pregnancies and a decade I gained (and thankfully lost) over 200 pounds and landed one white stretch mark that's about 2 inches long. So my husband has seen me plump and thin, over and over, and he has never once led me to believe he would prefer a 20 year old blonde. And he has never once purchased a girlie magazine. During pregnancy number two we have pictures--he looks like he gained sympathy weight. Some men wander, some don't, and some look, some don't. My thought isn't so much the pre baby look, just the look we all had when we met-fell in love-got married. Ya, I wish we could all look like that. And for a price, I guess we could. But aging gracefully and loving it is a good thing.

Iwonder,

For the right price we could all look like we paid as much as the sexy models do to look the way they do.

Is it worth it though?

Men such as these have not yet descended from the trees and their knuckles are still dragging precariously close to the ground. Whether or not any wife of such a man is able to get back her pre-baby body is the least of her worries.

I agree with Sylvia. And to Brandy, like I said, aging gracefully and loving it is a good thing.

I totally agree too. but there seems to be so many of them.... Prior to teaching I worked ina very male dominated workplace...the men would say appauling things about their wives bodies to each other...ie "did you see the new chick next door? I wish my wife had tits like that instead of her baby udders"

These comments were frequent yet knowing some of the couples personally I know that too the wives faces it was a different story?

When out shopping I see husbands like this frequently....arm in arm with wife and oggling ...literally hundreds of them...
Then when one goes to the news shop I constantly see men (many of whom I assume are married spend the families hard earned cash on copies of the latest blonde 20yr old in penthouse of playboy...
so I guess I was talking generally although I have sometimes seen my h oggling (he doesnt buy porn though)..

Whats going on ? it seems men want us to bear their children and then discard us as old hags and get their viewing pleasure elsewhere even when we look after ourselves. Afterall we cant help aging or stertch marks or sags (at least without surgery)

Hmm...your post is a good reminder that we need to be more picky when committing to marriage. If the mutual respect, love and affection is still there after the initial infatuation, and feeling of being in love with the notion of being in love have passed, then perhaps a couple might have a fair shot at being married without encountering the kinds of issues you are describing.

Additionally, when you heard such drivel spoken in your presence, I hope you spoke up and put the guys in their places (or back up on their trees).

Sylvia,

I like what you said and I agree with it.

I think my personal feelings and the statements I shared stem from the fact that my husband and I were friends before we dated and married.

I feel I got to see a clearer view of who he was since we weren't doing the dating dance. We talked openly for hours sometimes about everything and nothing.

I certainly don't think he is without faults, I saw some of those too. I certainly don't think he never looks at other women...I just don't care.

He makes me feel good about who I am, I feel worthy of love. I feel beautiful usually. More importantly I feel respected.

You are a very lucky person.

I have a observation-

If a man is looking elsewhere than his wife, he is only interested in a body. he is a typical male who looks at a beautiful female and gets his excitement. He has not grown up mentally. Hewill know the worth of a wife after he falls sick and needs long term care at home. No 20 year blonde will come to take care. His wife will do that.

Wives having a husband who enjoys looking at 20 year old blondes should do one thing. In front of their husband they should approach that female and ask her if she would like to make love to their husband. The answer will be revealing for the day- dreamer husband.Do it once or twice and your man will stop watching.

CDMohatta,

I don't think looking at another woman is a problem. As humans, we will look sometimes..that doesn't mean we must allow our tongues to hang out and to forget our mate at our side or worse hurt them over such a thing.

As a woman, I have glanced at an attractive man. I have even noted the beauty of other women. I don't have any feelings beyond noticing that they are physically appealing, dressed very nicely, have wonderful hair or whatever. Is that a wrong thing?

Perhaps a man, even my own husband feels more of a physical reaction, does this mean he is not in love with me? He wishes he were with her? I don't think one must go in hand with the other. If he only looks and does not make me feel as if he wishes he could go running off after her, why is this such a hideous thing?

When I said watching females, I was talking not only of innocent watching, but disrobing mentally and fantasizing of sex. I am sorry that the focus went to watching. Many men who are married do that. I find that sometimes a man goes to a prostitute because he finds his wife no more attractive and prostitution is the only way to get the feel of a young body again.

A response for you CDMohatta,

Prostitutes are not in great abundance in my area so I have no real comments on that. It is more common for men to have affairs with single or married women.

Many many men look when they see a beautiful women. I can't blame them sometime when some cute young thing comes walking by I can't help but look to. I am sure if you see a man walking down the street wearing a tank top with tan built arms you are going to take a look. It is human nature we are automatically interested of things of beauty. It is a matter of not touching that needs to be kept in line. When you are in love and have been together for a long time neither of you look the same naked and after babies it is almost for certain. In all fairness I would love to have my pre-baby body also, but wouldn't trade my children for the world. I would start with yourself, find your own love and acceptance of yourself and it will shine through.

Agreed.

We are indeed pre-wired to be drawn to more beautiful things. There are studies that show that babies are more attentive to attractive faces. Maybe that is why I am so good with kids!

Great confindence Suthernbelle!! I like your attitude.

Southernebelle, how does one feel completely happy with ones body whilst wishing they had their pre baby body back (and of course non of us would give up our kids for a mil ) but to me these two things are incompatible...I believe that the only reason I would desire my pre baby body is to fit in with the brainwashing, socialisation that goes on around us...after all, that is the only eason I believe a body without stretch marks or a mommy tummy to be better in some way and therefore desire it back...In many cultures the body of a mothe would be considered the ultimate in beuty and a 'flawless model type that is promoted in ur culture would be considered sickly and underweight, lacking in character and life experience...

I do agree its about acceptance of ourselves regardless of what men , mags and society tells us...but its hard when even other women hold the pre baby body as the ideal...how to men ever start to fight the socialisation and find the bodies of their wives /mother to their children to be the most beauitiful rather than a 20yr old blonde bimbo when even we accept the brainwashing that these bodies are somehow more attractive than our after baby bods??

I feel the same pain. I have always had a terrible body image and having a child didn't do anything to fix it. I never got stretch marks but my stomache never went back to the beautiful washboard it was before pregnancy. It's dimpled and the skin is like a deflated water ballon. It sucks and I agree it is quite ironic.

If you are really obsessed with getting your pre-baby figure back, it can be done. I have had 4 children, and, am 58 years old - I don't have any desire to be the person I was or have the body that I had when I was young - I do take good care of myself, however, and make sure that I get some exercise, eat the right things, and I always take care not to "let myself go". That means wearing something other than sweats and flannels, and putting make up on every day. I remarried at 54 yrs of age, and my husband is constantly telling me how great I look. I am not bragging, mind you, but I agree with Suthernbell, it really is more about how you perceive yourself - when pushed into a corner, any man will say that he prefers the body of a 20 yr old to someone older, but few of them actually seek those women out. Instead of obsessing about how you don't look why don't you try working on the very positive things about yourself. I am an Image Consultant, and I urge you to take a new look at yourself, and find the beauty within. There are people out there who can teach you how the inner beauty can be outwardly manifested!

Hi Candi2, Sorry but what your saying is not always true unless you are prepared to have surgery (which I am not)...My doctor advises that my streched skin and braest sag absolutely cannot be fixed short of surgery...in other words the fibres of the skin have been danaged so badly (Im only 5 foot) that NO amount of excercise in the world will repair them, nor creams etc...the only answer is to have the skin cut away which would be a huge operation. Ive had three opinions and they have all said the same thing and that this is very common in women who have had babies...
I havenet let myself go, nor do I wear sweat pants...I simply have experienced the irreparable changes that occur after babies that many (not all women do)..
I agree that working on oneself is the answer mentally....but its difficult in a world where its seems the media and many others claim that we should simply look after ourselves and then we will look the same as pre baby ...when for MANY of us this simply is not true and many of the changes are out of our control...(Can Ijust add that my weight gain during my 4 pregnancies was normal and healthy, my Dr says this can be a problem particularly for shorter women who have less torso room for the baby to grow so it pushes out)

Biscuitgirl - I quite agree with you on the unrealistic media, and worldwide (especially in the USA) focus on young, taut, hardbodies. Unfortunately, that will probaly never change...it is ridiculous for 90% of adult women to think that we should look like that. I am so sorry that your reality is so difficult for you. I really hope, though, that you will continue to do as you are doing, and take good care of yourself, including if possible maybe dance classes, or yoga, pilates, or some form of enjoyable activity that will put you in touch with your body. It is amazing how good it feels just to know that you are working your muscles, and by doing it in a way that is fun, you will also feel energized, and perhaps, even be pleasantly surprised by how your body responds. I also hope that if you are truly distressed by this, that you will seek help with maybe a counselor - i know from very personal experience how depression can make even easy tasks seem too difficult to attempt, and the whole world can seem to be untouchable, and happiness unattainable. Just remember that the world view is also causing our beautiful young girls and women to feel that they have to be perfect as well - which results in all sorts of problems. Look at how the celebrities have kind of morphed into each other - they all look frighteningly alike! Maybe they all have the same plastic surgeon!! How sad that even these young natural beauties wind up with botox, silicone, and emplants of all types in an effort to appease the very same appetites that you refer to. Please don't allow that very narrow unforgiving perspective distort your own self image.