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#296159 03/02/07 01:50 PM
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My fiance has brought up swinging. I was against it because I like having the intimate relationship with one person and one person only, but he's for it because he says he loves our sex life and would love to experience having sex with other people with me. Like it would be "us" having sex with "them." we talked about it and started to find couples online with whom we could potentially hook up. We talked about it and started to find couples online with whom we could potentially hook up.

After a couple conversations I found between my fiance and other women, I got really uneasy with the whole idea. Even though he says he'd never cheat, I am still very confused about whether or not this person is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know this sounds like cold feet, as the wedding is only 3 months away. But i'm in a serious crisis and do not have a clue what to do.

It's like my fiance has two distinct sides, only one of which I love with all my heart. The side I love is a gentle, compassionate, intelligent man who is the best life partner I could ever have. We practically fell in love within a week of meeting, and found the soulmate we had been searching. We are best friends, and we have a great life ahead of us.

The side I don't like is the guy who goes online to get girls to send him pictures, poses as me online and emails girls saying that i want them to join me and my boyfriend, and talks about previous encounters with sexual partners. This online guy makes me sick.

So my fiance says that he would give up fooling around online if it means I stay with him and we get married. And i know this would seem great, and exactly what i want. But i'm still hesitant because i know that he will be wanting to do all that stuff, so it just stinks that i know he'll still want it and it will be on the back of his mind all the time.

Are all the good things I love about my fiance enough to outweigh the creepy online guy side he has? would him giving up fooling around online really be enough to make this work? would he really be able to give it up in the long run, or is he just saying this right now so that we will get married? am i going to be worried about my fiance's online habits for the rest of our lives, and would i want to spend that much energy worrying about it?

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KatherineB #296167 03/02/07 02:28 PM
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I think you should talk to him further about it- and be sure he knows it's not something you are every going to be interested in, and find out if he sees that being a problem.

You obviously saw a part of him that you find unattractive, but isn't that just one small aspect of your fiance?

It sounds like he was supportive of you when you told him you changed your mind- is that correct, or did he give you a hard time about it?

Good for you on putting your foot down! That's definitely dangerous territory if it is something you're not comfortable with.


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unfortunately, this isn't just one small aspect of him. it's an issue that is really important to me because of past experience. this is a behavior that i have seen in both men who have cheated on me, so it scares me that he is displaying some of the same behaviors. i don't think he would ever physically cheat on me like the other two men did, but the online [censored] still brings about emotions that i had felt when i had been cheated on.

and he wasn't very supportive, he said i should never have agreed to anything if i wasn't really sure i wanted to do it. and now that's what he's saying about my hesitating to get married.

KatherineB #296188 03/02/07 04:04 PM
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He clearly wants swinging. I wouldn't expect his sexual desires to change after or because of marriage. You have every right to change your mind. Don't marry anyone expecting things to change, marry when and if things change. If you don't want a swinging lifestyle or a cheater don't marry him. You are right to follow your instincts on this. If you are uncomfortable w/any aspect don't do it. Good luck.

Last edited by nosy; 03/02/07 04:06 PM.
KatherineB #296191 03/02/07 04:18 PM
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DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN without some serious couples counseling. you say it will always be at the back of your mind, just where do you think it will be with him? The most desirable, to some is the forbidden or the unknown. I WOULD BE WORRIED anywhere there is a computer, a door with a lock and him. Even though he may never physically cheat on you, you are cheating yourself out of the respect you deserve. I don't think anyone man or woman has the right to expect antother to do what is not comfortable or desirable for both.


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kac #296234 03/02/07 07:27 PM
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I totally agree with both Kac and Nosy. This does not look good, and now is the time for you to sort it out.
From a person whose marriage is struggling (though not for the same reasons), you cannot go through with this if your doubts in his character remain.
I know that it is really hard to face the idea that maybe he's not the right person for you, especially since you seem to be so hopeful about the other aspects of your future together, but you need to be extremely honest with yourself right now.
At the end of your post, you had a lot of very important questions that can really only be answered by you. If you're really struggling with a decision, there's no harm in putting off the marriage until you can figure this out.
And don't forget, if he's not the one you're supposed to be with, then that person is still out there waiting for you.

HikerD #296329 03/03/07 06:52 AM
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You have posted this question in another forum also? Are swingers happier?

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I agree with the above sentiments- I think you answered your own questions in your second post, which shows that this is a bigger issue, that is likely to come up again in the near future.

I absoulely think you should go to counseling, perhaps individually, and with your fiance. Especially because, as you said, this is a trait in guys you have been with in the past.

Trust your gut and take some time to figure things out. If it turns out he is right for you, he'll still be there. And if not, you can thank yourself for taking the time to find out before you take vows.


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It sounds like he did whatever it took to gain your trust. Then he said what you wanted to hear, "Will you marry me?" and now his true self is coming out. He did what you wanted, now you have to do what he wants... isn't that what love is all about? Compromise?

NO!!!! This man is a master manipulator. He is making you question your judgement. He is a PREDATOR. You do not need counseling. Trust your judgement, and if you want to try swinging, do it because it's something you want to try (which doesn't sound like anything you want to try) and do it without him. RUN the other way and do not become a victim. Do not let him convince you of anything that is against your good judgement simply because he pretends to be your soul mate. It's easy to pretend for a while, but it's much more difficult to do it day in and day out. He is showing you who he is. If you like it, keep him.

chillin #296465 03/04/07 01:25 AM
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I agree with Chillin.

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