BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships how much time and space?

A short affair (three nights of pleasure kind of thing) over the holidays has left me to fall in love with the girl I was only beginning to know, yet I am pretty sure she does not like me. She has not answered my phone calls or been available for the last month. I finally took her out to dinner twice this last week. We had a long conversation after the dinner where she told me she did not want a relationship. I just want to be friends. I want to call her all the time but know I should lay off. B/f last week I felt as if we were at least friends, now I feel really bad because I believe that we left on a real bad note. I know I should cease correspondence, but my question is for how long? I think I may have come across as desperate/needy. I don't want to date her or anything, I just want to be her friend. I'm pretty sure i need to give her time and space but don't know how much or how long? I would be greatful for any suggestions?

Leave her alone. She has made her opinions clear, and she may well view you as a pest - or worse, an obsessive stalker - if you persist. Go out and mix with other people, and give her a call in a month or so, to just touch base.

Move on.
She has.

She has contacted me several times, e-mails and texts. I have not called her yet, it has been about three weeks. She has asked several times how I was doing. I have responed with e-mails and texts. Should I call her and what should I say. I m naturally intense and don't want to ruin my chances of a potential friendship.

All advice welcome....

I would let her take the lead in communication. If she is ready to talk to you on the phone, she'll call you. In another 3 weeks or so, if she is still emailing and texting you, it wold probably be okay to occasionally (about 1x a week) send her an email with a joke or a funny picture that you found that you think she'll like or suggest meeting for coffee if you are genuinely going to be in the area where she lives or works. If she accepts, keep your coffee break to about a half-hour.

I'm naturally intense too. I tend to have a few friends who I spend a lot of time with. People who are less intense or spend a smaller amount of time with more friends often feel overwhelmed by what's normal to me.

Julie

I know her better than I might have alluded and know that she is not the type to take the lead in doing what is hard for her (she will never call me). During our friendship we had a long discussion about our insecurities and pretty much she told me that she just wants to fit in even though she knows that is probably not the most healthy thing for her. Her work and co-workers make it hard for her to be herself. And she told me her concern was not us hanging out but what others would say and think if we were together to much. This is really silly, but in our short friendship, actually like a couple of months we had a real intellectual and emotional bond--we both thought it was weird. We never agreed to be a couple but she said I was her type. Anyways when I did not see her for so long it all got weird and when we met back up it was like we were once a couple and now could not be a couple, when in reality we were always only just friends. Probably me over analyzing and not relaxing. Then I asked why emotions were drawn and we have not talked since that time. Not that excuses excuse my behavior but I was having a really bad week and month (family and work related) and was not my cool self when this happened. I want another chance because the friendship is really something special and she is really different and cool if she allows herself to be herself which she has when with me. I was out of line a few weeks back and now am back on solid ground. Do you think I may be in a better position to contact her. I was thinking of inviting her and her friend to a jazz concert this evening or to 1/2 price sushi on Sunday. I really do not want to wait because I believe our differences are easily resolved. Though I am an optimist and a bit of a dreamer.

All further realistic advice and comment welcome and needed...

What should I tell her?

Just invite her out- it sounds like you have a fun night planned- just keep things laid back, and see where the night goes. I think the most important thing you can do is to give her a little space, and be up front with her about what your intentions are.

However, if she is clear on the fact that she is not interested- go your separate ways.

Thanks, I agree with what you said, I suppose my greatest fear is her telling me she is not interested. (missed my chance this evening but plan on calling on Sunday)

Am I correct in that saying nothing and not communicating is not a healthy or normal part of a friendship? I have, literally, a few close friends and I have never had a falling out or not spoken with them for an extended period. All my friends are guys, I suppose it is different with girls. She is just coming out of a rather long relationship and may just be scared of commitment. I just want to be friends so I am unsure where she believes that I am seeking anything more than just good conversation and company.

Any help on what I should say? Should I mention or apologize (I really want to)about anything that led to our falling out or should I simply pretend as if nothing had happened and as if she were simply my friend who I was asking out?

All further input welcome/needed...

HI,
Have you talked to her about everything you think & feel etc. that you posted over here? I would say the best thing to do is to be honest. It seems that you both jumped into things way too fast. But you did mention after she did not want contact that she did e-mail you a couple of times. you can reply to that. But in my opinion she sounds like she is not sure what she wants. You can always e-mail her & tell her what you said on here.

But if she is acting the same way as before (not responding etc.) then I would let it go. Good luck.

alittlelost-

You are overthinking this. I agree with Silver50- just be honest and let the cards fall how they may.

But do you really just want to be friends? In my experience, someone just looking for friendship does not overanalyze this much. And you even said-



It sounds like you are looking for more than a friendship- I'm sure she picks up on this as well. Don't sell yourself short- if you are looking for more from this person, put it out there, and if she doesn't feel the same way, let it go.

Are you sure that you wish to be only friends?