BellaOnline Forums Family Senior Living new perspectives

Yesterday my mom and I were talking about the friends choices our children make. She said there was a friend her mother never approved of her running around with, but the girl really was a lot of fun. She thought her mother's judgment was against the family and, in essence, was guilty by association.

I said, "Mom, you never approved of some of my friends."

"Well, looking at it now, it isn't right to judge someone like that. We teach our children right from wrong, how to make decisions and live a good life."

Hm...this is starting to run long. Maybe I have an article to write on this. What I was getting to is how have others' perspectives changed over the years? Anyone willing to share?

My own mother got a lot more easy going over the years. She was pretty strict with my sister and I. My younger sister came along and my mom said that some of the things she thought were so important and worth fighting about years before, now she didn't think they were that bad.

When the grandkids came along, she was VERY easy-going by then.

I know many of the things I used to get spun up and worried about when I was younger, don't bother me now. I've learned to calm down, take things easy and opt for peace in my life.

One of the advantages of getting older is you learn what's really important in life and don't sweat the small stuff.

I certainly have changed as I have aged. At 65, I am more tolerant of differentness, but much less tolerant of stupidity, bad manners and bad service. It seems as if there is so much more of all three these days.

i believe i am much better grandmother then i was a mother, im glad i was given a second chance we get older and wiser i guess

I had my daughter when I was 37 and I"m so glad I was older. I think I was much more easy going myself and better able to put her needs first.Plus I was a lot more patient as I got older! I just enjoyed each day as she grew up because I already had the sense of time passing too quickly.

I too agree that as we get older we learn not to sweat the small stuff as much because life is too short. I used to worry myself about keeping things in perfect order in case someone should stop by and by doing that I missed out on some important things like just sitting down and playing more with my kids or doing whatever with them. I have found now that as a grandmother I'm more patient and realize that life is too short and that when my grandson is here who cares if the dishes get done or the laundry because that time spent giving him my undivided attention is more important. I look back now and wonder where has life gone, it seems as though its just flown by, so now I don't worry about the small stuff and I try to make the most of every moment that I have here on this precious earth because you just never know when it could all be taken away.

I know what you mean about looking at things differently as we get older. I feel like I'm in a fantastic position. From where I'm standing I can look back to the places where my daughters are now and I once was, and ahead to where my mother is now in proximity to me. It's quite a window I'm peering through, trying to make the most of each day instead of waiting for "Someday."

My daughters talk about the things that really make them angry and I sit back and think, "Is that how I reacted to things? Is that the example I set for them?" I advise them to just relax, take a couple of deep breaths to clear away the stress and just enjoy life. Do they listen? Sometimes.

I said to some writing friends, "When DH retires we're going to travel." Someone posted back, "Don't wait until you retire or you'll never do it. One of you will die first. Do it now."

Well, I'm going to do it. DH and I are going to take a week's vacation in June. The price of gas will probably be out the roof, but we're going anyway. Just him and me. We haven't taken much time for ourselves over the years. It's always been what was best for the family, the children. Now we're going to do something for us.

It seems strange to me that women, at least in this forum, define themselves using their children or husbands. Do none of us define ourselves with our own thoughts or actions? I have lived my life essentially on my own, have lived it my way, following no one else's rules except my own. I have changed those rules as I have aged, but the rules are still mine, the values still mine, the time, the decisions, etc. I vacation when I wish and have done so all my life. I have never worked for another person, having been self employed all my life (and had an SOB for a boss). Please, people, start being your own person; stop defining yourself in terms of who or what you are to or for someone else.

This really is a wonderful illustration of the total impermanence of everything....Constant change and flux and re-flux....Your rules, values and standards have changed, just as everything around you has....good for you for recognising that - !!



Self definition though, is the trickiest thing of all...people would far rather use signposts to find the way, than to actually look at their own map....

Hi. I think that when we take on the role of motherhood, we are so involved in being mom that it becomes who we are. I remember trying to do my own thing when the children were young, but just when I'd get to an important part, something would interrupt and it would be hard to get back to my thread. So, I consciously made the decision: "I'll be mom now and when they are old enough to look after themselves, I'll do my thing."

One thing I did institute at that time was to set a bedtime. Children's bedtimes are not for the convenience of children. They are for the convenience of parents. Bathtime was 7:30 p.m. and bedtime was 8 p.m. My husband worked 3-11 so I had from 8-11 p.m. to do my thing...reading, writing, watching novels made into TV events...Captains and the Kings by Taylor Caldwell...Roots...you know what I mean.

When my youngest two (twins) were seniors in high school I knew if I didn't get busy, I would suffer empty nest syndrome terribly. So, I got involved in my writing more than ever. (I spent 13 years working as a newspaper reporter/photographer/editor and I even published my own newspaper for not quite a year.

I don't know that I define myself through my DH and my children. It's more that they were my priorities for a long time. Now my writing is my priority...and still family, but I can work on my goals guilt-free.

I wouldn't have wanted to do things any other way. I'm close to my children and now my grandchildren. For me, my choices were the right ones. And as far as defining...my family defines themselves through me: I'm Cathy Brownfield's daughter.

And I'm encouraging them to be their own persons, too.