BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Adult Stepdaughter

Hi, I recommend a book called - Step Wars : Overcoming The Perils and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies. I ordered it from Amazon. I am going thru something sort of similar with my DH's 2 daughters. They don't like me, wish I would just disappear. The book says these girls didn't buy into the marriage, even tho it may have seemed it at first (as it did for us). Later down the road the truth comes out that they do not want you in their lives. The book wasn't all that helpful to me, but it does give insight into the 'steps' minds. I wish I could get my 2 step D's to read it !!
It's hard and that's why I'm here, to share with others who are going thru the same kind of [censored]. That evil stepmom stuff from the kids' fairy tales comes back to bite us in the butt.
My 2 kids are fine with their new step-dad tho. So what gives ?? Why are us women singled out as evil ?? I can perhaps explain it as they see us as using their Dad, sucking him dry, it all fits in with the stereo types of women, and is a hold out of something that hasn't been modernized for today, is caught in the 50's or something. It stinks.

I feel badly for all the troubles with step children but wanted to say it can be worked out ONLY if the adult parents stand together. I had two children (14 year old and a 10 month old) when I got married for the 2nd time, yes husband is NOT father to either so this was pretty interesting. I swear to all of you that the first year there were MANY MANY days (seemed like every other day) that I just wanted to take the baby and leave my 14 year old and new husband and run and never come back. It is a little work and can be done. Sometimes the step parent and the child have to work things out in my case my 14 year old viewed my husband as "taking his place" so once I figured that out (no I did not know it right away) WE sat down and had several discussions about this. For instance if I was not home and my older one would ask if he could do something and if my husband would say no, they would be at each others throats and I would walk thru the door into this, not fun for anyone and especially not for me, I always felt like I was in the middle. We did not go to counseling and my older son ran away, got picked up by the police and well that is when I put my foot down on BOTH of them (husband and child) Here is my little suggestions:
1. Husband and Wife should make rules and stick to them for ALL the children (meaning if you make a rule would you apply that same rule for your own child).
2. No talking disrespectfully (again this goes for the step parent also would you talk to your own child in that tone of voice and for the step child do you talk to your own Mom like that etc.)
3. I know this is a hard one but think of your family as one no matter what.
4. Husband and Wife should discuss before hand any situtation (like a child moving in) and agree TOGETHER, then sit with child and basically lay down the law (again remember if this child was yours what rules would you have)

This is NOT easy but it can be done, sometimes you need nerves of steel and trust me when I say kids no matter what age know how to push the buttons and keep in mind (I saw my son do it to my husband) they will play you like a fiddle when they know how. We are a family and now my husband wants to do alot of spoiling and I am the one that says NO, and no I did not think it would ever turn out this way. The older one is now 25 and when he introduces us to anyone he always says this is my Mom and this is my Dad (first time he did that yes I almost fell over) I hope this helps someone.

Good Luck
Eva

I am new to the post and have a very similar situation as you do. Two very selfish spoiled stepdaughters; 24 & 20. My husband and I have known each other for 6 years, married for 4. We had a major incident two weeks before we got married and to be honest sometimes I wish I had walked away then. But we do love each other very much and with the exception of his daughters we have everything in common and feel we have met our soul mates. After we were married, we went to counseling because of the daughter and my husband basically closed his mind off because the counselor stated it just like it was, that he was not making the daughters understand that I now was a part of the family and that it was up to him to make sure that they respected me. For the longest time, I blamed the girls for their actions causing problems with my marriage, but after a while it dawned on me that it was not their fault as they were only doing exactly what they had been doing all their life, getting their way through lies and manipulation. It is how the parents react to them that is the issue. My husband is in complete denial about what his kids are doing to him. I cannot convince him of what is happening. Sometimes it takes someone completely out of the picture to make them see the truth. Although we did go to counseling, my husband shut out anything the counselor said becasue it was what he did not want to hear. He was placating me the entire time, and after three visits, he figured we were cured and we stopped going. We should have gone far more than we did to get to the root of the problem which is how my husband reacts to the manipulation. Although the girls do not live with us any longer, a different kind of manipulation takes place, the girls want him to go off to dinner with them without me, they call for money using excuses that it is for school when it really is for the current trip of the moment to NYC, Calif, Greece, etc. Dad does not question anything. I cannot say anything or I am criticized as finding only the negative things in the girls. I am going to buy the book Step Wars and emotional blackmail, read them and hopefully get my husband to read them. If that does not help, we will go back to a counselor and this time spend the time necessary to get him to learn a new way of handling his daughters and their deceptive ways. This is what I can advise you to do also. Otherwise, unfortunately things will not change and will only continue throughout your relationship. I sometimes hope that these girls will mature and things will get better but the oldest is 24 and things have only gotten worse..............Good luck with your situation, it is hard but as you can see you are definitely not alone! ;-)

I will take this from the other side. I can understand you're point of view, but as a step-daughter I can tell you it isn't easy. For one thing, you had daddy all to yourself for years and that is a very difficult relationship to lose. And yes, we have to lose it.

It's also an extremely hard thing to see your dad with a woman other than your mother, especially if they split while we were teenagers. You understand? There is a lot of anger and resentment about that issue before you even came along, and it's very easy to place the blame on dadds new "woman". Plus there is the feeling that if your parents marriage didn't last then obviously this one will be even more temporary.

These feelings don't have to be rationional - but they are very real.

In my own life I found that my step-mom was very jealous of me and my relationship with my father and did everything she could to destroy it. She won. I haven't spoken to my father since I was 19. And the step-dad? I will honestly say I was much harder on him but the thing is that no matter how hard I was on him he never changed his expectations for me - and today I respect that man more than my own father.

As a step-child I think we are especially hard on our step-parents because we are jealous of their position in our parents lives, we feel to a great degree, ousted. But I can swear to you that if you are strong and can hang in there and keep taking the blows and dishing out understanding, it will all change. Not overnight, but the respect gained will far outweigh the past.

Dez