BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Hello, a few questions, Ladies.

Hi,

My name is Adam. And I have recently stumbled upon this site and have been able to relate to quite a few things in the forums, well, dealing with my girlfriend and I.

I have a question, well rather, a problem.

My relationship with my girlfriend, Aubrey, has been going on for almost 11 months now. We have grown so close to eachother, and in both of our lives we have had a few serious relationships befor this one, and we're used to a steady decline over time. That hasnt been the case with us, we continue to grow closer, and love eachother more, do more for one another and share more.

Well, lately its been hard between us, because we're used to having breaks in our work/school days to see eachother "She lives 1497 miles away, approximately, I counted!" I live in Oklahoma, and she lives in Toronto.. Quite a long while away.

I myself, have never ever thought about cheating on my girlfriend, never crossed my mind. My morals and values have kept me from this in the past and still does, even more so now that I have her, and the need and want to keep our relationship pure and amazing.

She has questioned that lately because of the friends I have, that happen to be other girls. When she sees that I tell them I havent seen them in a while, and that i'd like to hang out sometime, she questions if I go behind her back, if I tell them things I tell her. I've said that a friend has grown on my, specifically a girl named Kimber, who lives 4 hours away and has since broken up with her boyfriend "a mutual friend of ours" and has no reason to visit here now because of that.. Well My girlfriend saw this as being attracted to Kimber, and it even further enhanced her thought that I speak to other girls the way I do for her.

I do sometimes tell her that guys talking to her are pretty forward, some ask to see her naked, some call her baby and say they love her.. Sometimes she calls them hun, and tells them that she misses them.. I used to be very jealous but shes taken that away.. I just want to do the same for her.. But its not working... We're getting into arguments because of jealousy lately..

Its hard.. and I dont want things to decline, I want to do anything I can, and I will. What can I do? I want to make her happy. Thats my goal, and thats my hope. I love Aubrey more than words could describe.. Shes given me things that I've never had befor. Shes not the woman of my dreams because , really, my dreams could have never created her, shes more. I want to do amazing things for her.. I just need some help with this to get over our slump..

I really do thank any of you who have taken the time to read this.

Have you talked to her about what is going on within her to cause the jealousy? Is she a possessive person by nature, has she been cheated on in the past, does she have reason to not trust you? I think it's important for you two to figure out what exactly is causing her to have doubts about you and take it from there.

Best of luck!

my girlfriend always told me i will never know how to be in a relationship because i don't know how to trust my jealousy is sickening but i wasn't born that way, i was with a man for 32yrs i wont get into why i stayed with him but i shared him he cheated on me so many times i lost trust and my dad molested me up until i was 15yrs old, my past made me what i am today, my girlfriend never gave me a reason to be jealous but because of what other people did to me, she paid the price of being honest to me and me accusing her of things she wasn't doing, i don't know how to trust

Yea, shes had a past of really DISGRACEFUL guys.. And I have never once raised my hand nor cursed her in any way. We have both grown upset with eachother and our voices have raised to one another but never have we gotten harmful, ie: saying things against eachother, hitting, slapping, name calling. We're respectable.

Shes had guys that have called her names said shes worthless, and i know that she has gotten the same "and worse" from her parents.. Now I've met her mother and we're friendly, I was just at her house not 4 days ago sitting down with her to breakfast while Aubrey was in class. I asked her about Aubrey's ex, Yuri, who was a complete jerk to her, calling her a whore and worthless "this girl, has never more than kissed a guy befor me.. how can he be so hateful?" and her mother said "I could tell he really loved her, but he had a bad background so its hard to really connect." I just, hate how her mom agrees that its okay to yell and call names? I'd never dirty our relationship, never tatter it like that! Its ridiculous!

I mean, lately her and I have fought over her drinking.. Shes promised me not to, she doesnt often but she still does under promise.. And it hurts.. and she just says "im weak" and i said "i was too, i had no reason not to quit till i found you and now i can" i ahve also since stopped smoking.. Yet she hasnt shown much effort to stop drinking? Shes tiny, 93 pounds 5'2.. she cant handle alcohol, i've seen her shot vodka and black out 7 minutes later..

I dunno, I just want to understand her and be better for her.. I've stopped talking to women any other way than when i talk to my guy friends, so that she does not feel threatened. Yet.. She still hands out her number to guys.. asks them to hang out.. And gets upset when I tell a girl I miss her Does she need a guys attraction / affection / attention to feel worth while? Why cant I be enough.. She says I am.. When we make love I can tell she feels beautiful and confident because I constantly tell her so.. But that seems to be one of few times im adaquate.. What am I doing wrong?

I think that says it all. It's not about you, it's not even about you not being enough. It's about her not wanting to change her life. You cannot change anyone and it does not seem like she has either the will/want to change. You can only change the situation by changing your own actions.

Adam, I hate to say this, but when you throw drinking into this situation you have something else entirely. If Aubrey has a drinking problem, she has other demons to fight. Jealousy is possibly only a small part of it. If you are serious about her I suggest you get into Al-Anon and learn as much as you can about the disease. I suggest you also pick up as much reading material as you can. Steve Arterburn has written extensively on the subject of addiction. You can learn more about his books at www.NewLife.com

I hope you find help with this situation. It does sound to me like you love Aubrey very much, but if you are struggling now, it will probably only get worse if you don't work through what the problems really are. And if she is drinking too much, that could be a large part of it.

I will keep you in my prayers.