BellaOnline Forums Family Siblings 'Step-siblings" Romantically Involved - Your say

That's great advice. Though it seems that the mother is react on emotions triggered by her parents & other family members that wrongly see it as the same as something incestuous. Her mother I guess is a bit of a drama queen according to him

He needs to remember that she is the woman that his dad married, she deserves his respect. Her feelings and concerns are valid, after all the girl your friend likes is only 20, which is very young, and until recently lived under his father's roof. They are still young, perhaps too young, and this relationship can wait, if it's right then it'll happen later, when they've matured, regardless of others views. I would suggest he take it real slow and be very cautious. He doesn't want to mess up his dad's marriage. Her mother's feelings are valid I personally would have issues if she were my daughter. I realize they were never raised under the same roof or as brother and sister but this relationship effects another marriage more so than any other relationship your friend could have choosen.

Can you tell me or describe in what ways this relationship effects his father's & her mother's marriage?

Say your friend and this girl get in a fight. She goes running to her mother who gets upset and starts at the father about his son who then defends his son. The mother wants to support her daughter, the father wants to defend his son.

Say your friend and this girl break up in the future. Same senerio as above. Now though the parents can't have a family gathering because it feels too strained. People start blaming each other. The mother could go after the father with an I told you so attitude.

Parents are very protective of their children, they will feel drawn to their child's side. When both parents are together there is unity as they stand united against the outside person who hurt their child. However, in this case they cannot stand united and will be on seperate sides. Your friends relationship then becomes like a wedge splitting a tree.

Ok. I will have to debate you on this a little bit.

You stated, "Say your friend and this girl get in a fight. She goes running to her mother who gets upset and starts at the father about his son who then defends his son. The mother wants to support her daughter, the father wants to defend his son."

Well I feel that adults in a relationship shouldn't be running to their parents & getting them involved in any way, shape or form. Especially at their ages. Again, remember they are adults in their 20s. The parents relationship is theirs & their relationship is theirs as well.

You also stated, "Say your friend and this girl break up in the future. Same senerio as above. Now though the parents can't have a family gathering because it feels too strained. People start blaming each other. The mother could go after the father with an I told you so attitude."

Who said that they can't have family gatherings. It seems like you assume that when two people break up, they don't have the maturity to communicate & resolve all the issues & feelings so that they can coexist harmonisly as good friends at these gatherings & that the parents are living bicuriously through their kid's relationship.

Lastly, "Parents are very protective of their children, they will feel drawn to their child's side. When both parents are together there is unity as they stand united against the outside person who hurt their child. However, in this case they cannot stand united and will be on seperate sides. Your friends relationship then becomes like a wedge splitting a tree. "

I agree that parents are protective of their childern but we are talking about 2 adults in their 20s here & I would find it very creepy that the parents would be that emotionally involved like that.

I think there's some truth to your comments & these are definitely situations & circumstances that should be addressed at the beginning of such a relationship. That's why HINDSIGHT IS KEY! Parents really have no right or place to get that involved in their childern's relationship business & vice versa unless there is some obviously damaging physical or verbal abuse going on.

Based on your examples, it almost seems like you're assuming that all people are incapable of handling & resolving things like mature adults (parents included), that we all have no control over are emotions, & that people have the same mentality as the typical guest you see on Jerry Springer.

Many wives talk with their mothers to vent about how upset they are with their husbands. This is never a good idea for anyone for a number of reasons, but especially in your friends case. I know of people who have talked to their parents when their spouse hurt them, then after they've forgiven them and moved on their parents still harbour bad feelings and suspision. These are mature non jerry springer people.

Many couples who divorce cannot even stand to mention the others name, let alone be in the same room with them. These are normal people, many times with kids, who are hurt to the point of being unable to forgive the other person.

I'm not saying this is always the case. I'm just pointing out that it is a possiblity.

The point I am trying to make is that communication before they proceed is vital. They must listen to and respect their parents viewpoint. Boundries would have to be established before hand, ie not discussing relationship problems with parents.

What I put forth in my earlier post were extreme examples, but valid ones none the less. They even could go the other way where the parent is venting to the adult child and this causes friction in their marriage. Sometimes its the little things that add up until they explode.

Marriage is very hard, its not as easy as falling in love and being with the right person forever. It is a daily recommitment to each other, even when there is no love. Its forgiving the other person and getting over the hurts to move on. This is not always easy and the reason the divorce rates are so high.

I just want to mention that in some cases it is good to go to loved ones with your marital problems to get help if your being abused. No one should stay in that type of relationship for any reason.

"Many wives talk with their mothers to vent about how upset they are with their husbands. This is never a good idea for anyone for a number of reasons, but especially in your friends case. I know of people who have talked to their parents when their spouse hurt them, then after they've forgiven them and moved on their parents still harbour bad feelings and suspision. These are mature non jerry springer people."

How is that MATURE?

" Many couples who divorce cannot even stand to mention the others name, let alone be in the same room with them. These are normal people, many times with kids, who are hurt to the point of being unable to forgive the other person. "

How is that NORMAL?

"The point I am trying to make is that communication before they proceed is vital. They must listen to and respect their parents viewpoint. Boundries would have to be established before hand, ie not discussing relationship problems with parents."

I agree with you although I feel this is more relevant if one or both the adult kids aren't emancipated from the parent's household. I also think communicating with each other about how they would deal with a possible breakup right when the relationship starts is very imparative as well.

"What I put forth in my earlier post were extreme examples, but valid ones none the less. They even could go the other way where the parent is venting to the adult child and this causes friction in their marriage. Sometimes its the little things that add up until they explode."

Example, if my mother is venting to me about her boyfriend, I will be an alley to her but give her sound advice always considering her side & his side as well. What she does with that advice & her relationship afterthat is her business. Now if I found out her boyfriend is insulting her &/or physically abusing her, I won't hesitate to protect her. The issue of abuse isn't relevant in my friend's situation with his ex-girlfriend.

"Marriage is very hard, its not as easy as falling in love and being with the right person forever. It is a daily recommitment to each other, even when there is no love. Its forgiving the other person and getting over the hurts to move on. This is not always easy and the reason the divorce rates are so high."

Agreed. Especially if there's no love. Just because it's the norm, it doesn't necessarily make it normal.

"I just want to mention that in some cases it is good to go to loved ones with your marital problems to get help if your being abused. No one should stay in that type of relationship for any reason."

Agree 100% when it comes to abusive relationships. Abuse is not apart of their relationship other than the verbal abuse that his girlfriend's mother & her family has given them for being in a perfectly loving & happy relationship. I feel that it's their insecurities & repressive attitudes are more damaging than anything else.
I think most people project their own fantasies, dreams & even prejudices on others because they are truly repressed & not happy with their own lives.

Carennedy, I'm not trying to give you a hard time or be a jerk. You have given some good viewpoints that they should consider. I don't sgree with them being as "valid" or as "normal" as you may feel, but they unfortunately do occur. Therefore, must be addressed.

Thanks

A friend of mine is in a relationship with her step brother and it has been going on for a while. They actually knew eachother before their parents even met. Their parents got married which upset her a lot. They wanted to get married themselves but were waiting until she got out of school. They are in their 20's now and her mother and step-father(boyfriend's father) have decided to have a baby. She still wants to continue the relationship. She is really a wreck and I don't know how to console her. What should I do or say to help her? If any one has any ideas please let me know.

NHGIRL:

What are the reasons she's so upset? What has her so worried? Is there a reason why they cannot continue the relationship?

Forcegx7 - Do you have any ex-boyfriends you'd rather not spend a dinner with? You don't have to answer. But think about your worst relationship now imagine having to go to a family dinner and see him there.

I'm not saying your friend's relationship will result in break up or being a big old broken heart. I'm just making a point about relationships.