I have heard & actually witnessed this occurence. Since the amount of blended families are on the rise in today's society, I think this is happening more & more.
What do you guys think about "stepsiblings" in a relationship? When do you think it's appropriate? When do you think it's inapproriate?
I have my thoughts & views on this, but I would like to hear all of yours first...

If they are brought up living together as brother and sister, then I would definitely say "inappropriate".

However, if the parents are older adults, and the step-siblings are themselves adults, and have never lived together - then I suppose the waters get a little murkier.

Because having never been raised as siblings, these people are brought together more as friends, so I really don't see a moral problem with it - although it might make for some strange family reunion stories. <img src="/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

If - and only IF - there is absolutely no blood tie whatsoever, then there's nothing to stop it...they've been brought together by circumstance, not a common parent....

The only things offended are our social 'niceties'... In other cultures, for example,there is still a great deal of inter-family coupling, and this is considered the norm... We cannot impose a 'right' or 'wrong' judgement on that, but by virtue of the fact (as you rightly point out) the instance of blended and combined families is on the increase, maybe we need to re-evaluate what is socially acceptable and what is not....what makes us blanch today, will be absolutely run-of-the-mill tomorrow... Like inter-racial marriages, or women getting the vote...Unthinkable a century ago.....

I grew up in a family related by marriage.

My father's sister was married to the younger brother of my maternal great aunt's husband.

What this meant growing up is on holidays both my mother's and father's side of the family were always together, and today I have close ties with my many cousins on both sides.

God put rules in place for a number of reasons. First for genetics, Second for Health, Third for happy stress free life, and lastly to keep harmony in the family.

His law that you should not have sexual relations with a CLOSE relatives keeps the genetics strong and the family together. No one's trust is betrayed and there is still respect for ones parents and other family members.

That was a long time before blended families so does it apply to today. Yes, genetics are still the same. Blending families is hard enough without the kids engaging in sex. It shouldn't be OK for one to abuse the other or to take advantage of the other if one is older.

There are exceptions though. If the parents marry when both their kids are mature adults living on there own there are no genetic issues. There are no keeping the family harmony issues because they do not live under the same roof. As long as they are going to commit to each other keeping one another happy and healthy and it never effects the parent's marriage, the spirit of his law stays intact.

For the most part, it is a good idea for step siblings to NOT get sexually involved. The issues it would bring up in the long run could effect other members of the family and cause to much stress and problems within the family dynamic. The siblings relationship could bring stress to there parents relationship to the point that both marriages could be in danger of dissolving.

God's plan was for marriage to be a union of mutual caring, love and respect. Being human and selfish humanity has abused marriage and thrown it away. Keeping a family together is hard enough and the responsibility of all members.

If they were raised together since childhood as siblings, it's highly unlikely that a relationship like that would happen. But like I said before, not every stepfamily situation is like the Brady Bunch, so it should be looked at on a situational basis.
Regardless of past circumstances, if they are adults & can either move out of the parents house & get their own place either separately or together, then it really shouldn't be an issue at all. It's so difficult to find that special someone these days, that I don't think it's anybody else's business or right to interfere in the relationship especially if & when they have emancipated themselves from underneath their parent's roof.
I've seen my friend go through this with his girlfriend. They met through the fact that her mom married his dad. She was 20 & he 25 at the time.
Certain family members & even some friends gave them a hard time which eventually caused them to split almost a year ago. They perceived it as the same as an actual blood-related incestuous relationship, which imposed false feelings of shame, guilt & insecurities.
Now he's become miserable, less outgoing, & compares every girl he tries to date to her. She's now dating & acting out with a lot other guys who it's clear that the connections aren't as geniune as they were with him.
When 2 people repress their true feelings because of other people's insecurities & then because of that repression they begin to act self-destructive...well then it becomes obvious that those 2 people were good for each other & were meant to be together.
I'm more of a spiritual person than religious, but God may have brought their parents together for more than one reason. They are NOT blood-related & are consenting adults...we should live & let live & love.

I would agree that if there is no blood, and that they didn't grow up their entire lives together, then it is ok.

Sounds like they need a friend that will step in and support their decision to get together. Are their parents against it?

His Dad isn't against it, but the girl's mom is acting weird about it mostly because her parents, brothers & sisters are giving her a hard time about it. The mother's sisters & grandparents are causing all kinds of drama. They seem to be acting overdramatically, thinking & referring to the whole relationship as sick & incestuous. It doesn't make any sense because it clearly is not.
She just moved out & found an apartment so I think there's a chance they may get back together. I don't know, my friend has had a tough time with this & I seem to be one of few people that he's been able to talk to about it.
A lot of people seem to just automatically categorize this relationship as something sick & incestuous, which I am completely amazed by that ignorance. I don't get it.
No one seems to think it's a problem when the situation arises where the parents meet & start dating through their kids because their kid are dating. I hear that happens more often than one would think. There's really no difference.

I don't know all the details or reasons that the extended family is having issues. I don't know all the details regarding your friends or his father's relationship. As the institution of marriage disinigrates and more and more families blend seperate and blend elsewhere, there will be more and more questions like yours. Can the question of where the line be drawn ever be clear?

In alot of ways when mature adults, choose a relationship it shouldn't matter what others think. However, when advice comes from a loving heart, it is important to consider it.

What is not socially acceptable today may be acceptable tomorrow. Consider mixed marriages, sixty years ago it was rare, today it's common.

Your friend needs to sit down with the parents and have an open discussion on how each of them feels about it. Both of them need to respect the parents concerns.

That's great advice. Though it seems that the mother is react on emotions triggered by her parents & other family members that wrongly see it as the same as something incestuous. Her mother I guess is a bit of a drama queen according to him

He needs to remember that she is the woman that his dad married, she deserves his respect. Her feelings and concerns are valid, after all the girl your friend likes is only 20, which is very young, and until recently lived under his father's roof. They are still young, perhaps too young, and this relationship can wait, if it's right then it'll happen later, when they've matured, regardless of others views. I would suggest he take it real slow and be very cautious. He doesn't want to mess up his dad's marriage. Her mother's feelings are valid I personally would have issues if she were my daughter. I realize they were never raised under the same roof or as brother and sister but this relationship effects another marriage more so than any other relationship your friend could have choosen.

Can you tell me or describe in what ways this relationship effects his father's & her mother's marriage?

Say your friend and this girl get in a fight. She goes running to her mother who gets upset and starts at the father about his son who then defends his son. The mother wants to support her daughter, the father wants to defend his son.

Say your friend and this girl break up in the future. Same senerio as above. Now though the parents can't have a family gathering because it feels too strained. People start blaming each other. The mother could go after the father with an I told you so attitude.

Parents are very protective of their children, they will feel drawn to their child's side. When both parents are together there is unity as they stand united against the outside person who hurt their child. However, in this case they cannot stand united and will be on seperate sides. Your friends relationship then becomes like a wedge splitting a tree.

Ok. I will have to debate you on this a little bit.

You stated, "Say your friend and this girl get in a fight. She goes running to her mother who gets upset and starts at the father about his son who then defends his son. The mother wants to support her daughter, the father wants to defend his son."

Well I feel that adults in a relationship shouldn't be running to their parents & getting them involved in any way, shape or form. Especially at their ages. Again, remember they are adults in their 20s. The parents relationship is theirs & their relationship is theirs as well.

You also stated, "Say your friend and this girl break up in the future. Same senerio as above. Now though the parents can't have a family gathering because it feels too strained. People start blaming each other. The mother could go after the father with an I told you so attitude."

Who said that they can't have family gatherings. It seems like you assume that when two people break up, they don't have the maturity to communicate & resolve all the issues & feelings so that they can coexist harmonisly as good friends at these gatherings & that the parents are living bicuriously through their kid's relationship.

Lastly, "Parents are very protective of their children, they will feel drawn to their child's side. When both parents are together there is unity as they stand united against the outside person who hurt their child. However, in this case they cannot stand united and will be on seperate sides. Your friends relationship then becomes like a wedge splitting a tree. "

I agree that parents are protective of their childern but we are talking about 2 adults in their 20s here & I would find it very creepy that the parents would be that emotionally involved like that.

I think there's some truth to your comments & these are definitely situations & circumstances that should be addressed at the beginning of such a relationship. That's why HINDSIGHT IS KEY! Parents really have no right or place to get that involved in their childern's relationship business & vice versa unless there is some obviously damaging physical or verbal abuse going on.

Based on your examples, it almost seems like you're assuming that all people are incapable of handling & resolving things like mature adults (parents included), that we all have no control over are emotions, & that people have the same mentality as the typical guest you see on Jerry Springer.

Many wives talk with their mothers to vent about how upset they are with their husbands. This is never a good idea for anyone for a number of reasons, but especially in your friends case. I know of people who have talked to their parents when their spouse hurt them, then after they've forgiven them and moved on their parents still harbour bad feelings and suspision. These are mature non jerry springer people.

Many couples who divorce cannot even stand to mention the others name, let alone be in the same room with them. These are normal people, many times with kids, who are hurt to the point of being unable to forgive the other person.

I'm not saying this is always the case. I'm just pointing out that it is a possiblity.

The point I am trying to make is that communication before they proceed is vital. They must listen to and respect their parents viewpoint. Boundries would have to be established before hand, ie not discussing relationship problems with parents.

What I put forth in my earlier post were extreme examples, but valid ones none the less. They even could go the other way where the parent is venting to the adult child and this causes friction in their marriage. Sometimes its the little things that add up until they explode.

Marriage is very hard, its not as easy as falling in love and being with the right person forever. It is a daily recommitment to each other, even when there is no love. Its forgiving the other person and getting over the hurts to move on. This is not always easy and the reason the divorce rates are so high.

I just want to mention that in some cases it is good to go to loved ones with your marital problems to get help if your being abused. No one should stay in that type of relationship for any reason.

"Many wives talk with their mothers to vent about how upset they are with their husbands. This is never a good idea for anyone for a number of reasons, but especially in your friends case. I know of people who have talked to their parents when their spouse hurt them, then after they've forgiven them and moved on their parents still harbour bad feelings and suspision. These are mature non jerry springer people."

How is that MATURE?

" Many couples who divorce cannot even stand to mention the others name, let alone be in the same room with them. These are normal people, many times with kids, who are hurt to the point of being unable to forgive the other person. "

How is that NORMAL?

"The point I am trying to make is that communication before they proceed is vital. They must listen to and respect their parents viewpoint. Boundries would have to be established before hand, ie not discussing relationship problems with parents."

I agree with you although I feel this is more relevant if one or both the adult kids aren't emancipated from the parent's household. I also think communicating with each other about how they would deal with a possible breakup right when the relationship starts is very imparative as well.

"What I put forth in my earlier post were extreme examples, but valid ones none the less. They even could go the other way where the parent is venting to the adult child and this causes friction in their marriage. Sometimes its the little things that add up until they explode."

Example, if my mother is venting to me about her boyfriend, I will be an alley to her but give her sound advice always considering her side & his side as well. What she does with that advice & her relationship afterthat is her business. Now if I found out her boyfriend is insulting her &/or physically abusing her, I won't hesitate to protect her. The issue of abuse isn't relevant in my friend's situation with his ex-girlfriend.

"Marriage is very hard, its not as easy as falling in love and being with the right person forever. It is a daily recommitment to each other, even when there is no love. Its forgiving the other person and getting over the hurts to move on. This is not always easy and the reason the divorce rates are so high."

Agreed. Especially if there's no love. Just because it's the norm, it doesn't necessarily make it normal.

"I just want to mention that in some cases it is good to go to loved ones with your marital problems to get help if your being abused. No one should stay in that type of relationship for any reason."

Agree 100% when it comes to abusive relationships. Abuse is not apart of their relationship other than the verbal abuse that his girlfriend's mother & her family has given them for being in a perfectly loving & happy relationship. I feel that it's their insecurities & repressive attitudes are more damaging than anything else.
I think most people project their own fantasies, dreams & even prejudices on others because they are truly repressed & not happy with their own lives.

Carennedy, I'm not trying to give you a hard time or be a jerk. You have given some good viewpoints that they should consider. I don't sgree with them being as "valid" or as "normal" as you may feel, but they unfortunately do occur. Therefore, must be addressed.

Thanks

A friend of mine is in a relationship with her step brother and it has been going on for a while. They actually knew eachother before their parents even met. Their parents got married which upset her a lot. They wanted to get married themselves but were waiting until she got out of school. They are in their 20's now and her mother and step-father(boyfriend's father) have decided to have a baby. She still wants to continue the relationship. She is really a wreck and I don't know how to console her. What should I do or say to help her? If any one has any ideas please let me know.

NHGIRL:

What are the reasons she's so upset? What has her so worried? Is there a reason why they cannot continue the relationship?

Forcegx7 - Do you have any ex-boyfriends you'd rather not spend a dinner with? You don't have to answer. But think about your worst relationship now imagine having to go to a family dinner and see him there.

I'm not saying your friend's relationship will result in break up or being a big old broken heart. I'm just making a point about relationships.

Carennedy-
I understand what you're saying. Believe it or not, all my relationships have either ended because of circumstances beyond our control like moving to a different state or they have been resolved & left on good terms. I have even broken up with someone & had to see them on a regular basis after that because that someone started dating one my good friend. I was happy for them...they seem to be a better fit.
I can honestly say that there's no ill feelings with any past relationships. I think it's because I always insisted on courtship first for as long as it takes, in order to know what type of person I'm dealing with. It's a matter of really getting to know that person for who they are & how they deal with life issues before you take it to the next level. Because of this, I have been able to prevent that kind of drama...knock on wood & thank God for that.
And like my Grandfather always use to say, "Kill em' with kindness, but be sincere."
I think one of the main reasons that I achieve harmony in these situations is because of my spiritual background.

She is upset because she feels like her mother and step father are destoying her and (I don't even know what to call him anymore) her step-brother/fiance's relationship and her mother having a baby with her step father would just top it off. She doesn't want to end her relationship and neither does he, but she is worried that her mother having a baby will complicate things. I keep telling her that her feelings are ok and that if she wants to continue the relationship not to let her parents ruin it. She told me the other day that she thinks he might have gotten her an egagement ring.

nhgirl:

Your friend sounds like she feels betrayed. She needs to tell her mother how she feels, in a letter may be a good option. It sounds as though her boyfriend doesn't have the same issues she does. It's probably time for all four to sit down and have a good heart to heart in a loving and safe environment.

I can understand how she would be upset. Her mother has forced her to be a mother and an aunt to future children.

Nhgirl-

My personal opinion is that her mother has a right to pursue the relationship. As far as what to call your frien's boyfriend, how about by his name. Let's not get caught up in labels here. He shouldn't be thought of as her "stepbrother" simply for the reasons that they never grew up together &/or established that kind of bond.
If her mother has a child with his father, I would be happy for them. There's no reason why both of these relationships can't exist & prosper.

I do agree with Carennedy. They should all sit & communicate with each other their feelings, but also talk about how they can make it work.

It is a very sticky situation, but everyone involved here are adults. I think the parents should stay out of it and let the children decide what they want to do

For the most part feelings are not something that we have full control over, they just happen.

Communicating and bringing up the topic can be hard for most people and the other person may become very defensive.

One thing would be to write a letter, sleep on it, then edit it. Try to keep the emotional stuff as low key as possible. Invite the other person to sit down with you to discuss the issue in a loving manner.

Don't let the other person degrade you or laugh at you or dismiss your feelings. Speak up if they do and let them know you will be ready to continue this conversation when they can lovingly acknowledge to your valid feelings.

In reality our feelings, as much as we want them to be logical, loving and mature, most of the time they are not. It is how we act in spite of these feelings that determines if our behaviour is logical, loving and mature.

If anyone has been through this situation, your experience and advice may be of benefit to these people.

I would have to disagree partly, with this statement....
Feelings do happen, but the way in which we can have 'control' over them is to recognise that, legitimate as they may be, they are NOT who we are. They do not Define us, and are empty of any substance.... We have a right to experience them, but we should also permit them to arise, manifest express - and then, let them go.



Absolutely brilliant, and spot-on....
Your advice carries Wisdom, Compassion and Insight. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



In reality, we have no control over what another person thinks says or does... We may agree or disagree with them, but we have no control directly, over what and why they do that....
The only safeguard we can bring into play, is to decide whether we will openly accept their opinion or View.... And in that, we therefore subsequently decide whether we will PERMIT their View/opinion to affect us.
What others manifest, is THEIR choice.
How we take it in, and our response, is OURS.
It is up to us whether we feel slighted, hurt, angry, upset, gladdened, happy or content, at their contribution....
How we take it on the chin, is our choice....
Change can only be engineered Within, not Without.



Bingo, once again.... Good comment!



Not I....But with what you have contributed, your comments can only be of great help....

Lovely post....

Thank you. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I feel that this relationship falls into the following category: It's only an issue because people make it an issue.

It's just like having a relationship with someone you work with. There are different rules & concerns that must addressed like the risks & the potential consequences that may happen in a break up. These exist in any relationship in some degree or another. It's all about communication & compromise.
I also feel that repressing this relationship from progressing is more dangerous than the possible risks or consequences of a potential breakup of this type of relationship. Haven't we learned anything from Romeo & Juliet?

Only -
"that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;"




(Romeo& Juliet, AII Sc.ii)

I don't know the people or the relationship, I'm only able to play devil's advocate here.

Any step parents out there with an opinion on this issue?

Have any of your friends moved on with these relationships and how are they doing?

My friend really hasn't. He'll go out on dates & meet other woman, but in his mind they just never measure up to his dad's stepdaughter. She I guess has been going out on dates with a different guy here & there. It seems that she's developed a reputation of being permiscuous (spelling?). She's been acting out which I think is a direct result of repressing herself from my friend who she really has true feelings for.

She obviously has issues. She sounds like she could use a friend more than a boyfriend. Someone who would protect her and help her. Since your friend loves her so much, he should step up and be a friend first and foremost.

You know the old saying, if you love something let it go if it comes back, then it's yours. Or something along those lines.

I was really hoping that someone who has been through this situation would post something to help you out.

Forcegx7 - do either of them have other siblings or are they both only children?

He is the only child. She has a sister & 2 brothers who are younger.

What do her siblings think of the whole thing?

Hmmm...good question! I'll have to ask him & get back to you.

Ok, I guess he doesn't really know them all that well & they don't know him. So as far as what they think of it, he doesn't think they even think about it. They are much younger, between the ages of 11 & 16 & busy doing their own teenage things. When he goes over to visit his dad, he gets along with them but not much more is said than hi & goodbye. It sounds like they just see him as the guy who comes over to visit his father.
So why were you asking?

Well they are in the same boat as their sister when it comes to the step sibling thing. If they don't see him as a step brother then is he one?

I�ve read all of the posts about step-siblings in relationships and I actually joined bellaonline just to reply to the topic.

One year and six months ago, my step brother and I became romantically involved. I could go on with a whole elaborate story ( because I am a hopeless romantic) but I�ll give the short version. Our parents were married a little over a year before it happened. Before their marriage, we didn�t really know one another and we only talked a few times so we never grew up together. However there are so many other factors that society and my own family would view as inappropriate.

First, since our parent�s marriage, we have lived under the same roof. There has been tension since the beginning and he and I were always extremely flirty and close, which other siblings noticed and automatically labeled us as �weird.�

Second, we have a huge age gap. I�m not going to give exact numbers, but it is about a five year age difference. In my mind, there is nothing wrong with this mainly because I am extremely mature for my age and he is pretty immature and inexperienced for his age Another thing is, NO ONE knows except for my one friend and I�m not exactly sure if he�s told anyone. The whole thing is a great big secret and we both still live under our parents� roof. I�m basically living one gigantic lie which brings me to why we could never tell our parents.

Before anything happened with him and I, one of my siblings freaked out and said something to my crazy father who then freaked out at my mother and caused a whole drama. Yes at the time I would have loved to have something going on between us but at the time nothing was. From that point on, our parents became suspicious and kept a close watch on us. Also, because my father obviously didn�t agree with the situation, he basically disowned me for a while and did not want any part of me. Then my stepfather became like a father to me. Yes, I am now fine with both my father and my step father but we have a lot of issues.

For the past nine months, him and I have been trying to end it. Its next to impossible. I love him with all of my heart and I know that he loves me as much, maybe even more. I would risk it all to be with him but he has made it clear that he wouldn�t. I don�t blame him at all either. He�s close with his family and I would never want to be blamed for him not talking to them one day because of our relationship. The whole situation is just so hard and I definitely do not recommend it. However, he is moving out soon and I should be moving out in about a year, so I�m hoping that when I don�t have to see him everyday we will finally be able to get over each other. It just makes it hard because I don�t WANT to get over him�at all. But I�m so sick of seeing it hurt him so I�m working at giving him space and not seeing me. I dunno, if anyone has any suggestions on what to do for me to get over him or work through this.. let me know because I�m pretty much lost.

Say your friend and this girl get in a fight. She goes running to her mother who gets upset and starts at the father about his son who then defends his son. The mother wants to support her daughter, the father wants to defend his son.

I think this happens alot when familys blend my kids are angles and your kids get the blame...this at any age or sex!!! i think there is a point in time that parents have to let go and let there kids work it out on there own!! as long as one kids not forcing there self or taking advantage of the other and they are not blood related and at lest one of them have moved out of there parents house and are adults i dont see a problem i have a cusin and step cusin that got married and after the family backed off did great but it took them standing up for there relationship and not blaming the others parent(s)and/or the other. that took guts and nerves of steel!!! they been married 5 years and have a wonderful set of twins that no one knows where they came from!!! but they look just like there dady!!!

Well I personally think that once you move out, to try living your life for you & maybe start dating others.
I only say that because it sounds like this guy doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do about him & if it's because of the way his relatives are reacting to it, then maybe he does but is just holding back. If that's the case, then both of you moving out of the house is a good way to live your lives for yourselves because at that point it's really not anybody's business whether you 2 want to be together or not. If deep down he does feel the same way, then I would like you said give each other some space & some time. This would be a good way to figure out if they attraction is more than just physical. If it discover to be deeper than physical & deep down he does feel the same way, I would fight for the relationship too.

One rule I would recommend is not getting your parents involved in any argument or fight that you may have. It's really non of their business just like their quarrels are non of yours. It's just common sense to me. The only exception is if the argument or fight is extremely abuse, then everybody & their grandmother should intervene.

You mentioned that when the other family members backed off, they did great. This proves my point that the problem is not the relationship itself, but the insecure reactions from others that make it an issue.

no, the guy does feel as strongly, it's just a bad situation because of the "insecure reactions " of family members..and i've dated others and he hasnt, so if anything, it looks to him as if i dont feel as strongly.. which is now making me realize alot of things to actually say this outloud and i dont even know why i'm reposting anymore haha.

My friend and her boyfriend have decided to get married. They got together with their parents and actually went to counseling, she was taking the advice about sitting down and talking about it. The baby that her mother wants to have with her stepfather made her feel like they were creating a blood relation between her and her fiance. Her mother did not realize that she felt that way. The therapist i guess told her that if they had a baby together that it would not make them related. since then they have openly came out about there continuing relationship with all sides of the family and have been supported by everyone.
it took guts for them and it all worked out in the end. even her father who hates his x and anything that has to do with her and her new husband has been able to accept his son as his daughter's fiance. i am not sure if i worded that so it makes sense.
I am so happy for my fiend, i just wish that i would find someone who loves me as much as he loves her.

well , at least some stories have happy endings.

nhgirl - I'm thrilled that they all went to counselling and talked it out with a third party. It sounds as though all went well! The good news about all this is that they all are willing to seek help in communicating, if they continue with this philosophy it will mean a stronger relationship for all.

Sundreams - slow down a bit, your not even out of the house yet, you have years to sort this out and even if it does take years, sometimes that worth waiting for is best when waited for.

Carennedy - what ended up happening with your friends? Like is the guy alright, becasue i think you said he was the one who got really depressed and the girl acted out? are they talking?

I think if they are over 18 they should be left alone. If they are under 16 I think it's probably fruitless to try to stop it as that might just make it worse, you know how teens are.

Meg

Sundreams - You mean forcegx7

Meg - If your child started a relationship with a step sibling under your roof how would you feel. With your comment you seem detached or lassez faire.

If my daughter took up with a child living under my roof I would find it difficult because they are playing house too soon. The immaturity that both would have would bring strain on the family relationship.

Blending families is difficult and trying to bring them together as siblings only to have them come together in a romantic relationship would make things more difficult not less.

Has anyone tried to blend a family only to have the step siblings romantically involved? Did it work out?

Sundreams, yeah I was the one with the friend's going through this. Basically not too much has changed. It's still has been a struggle for both of them. They are both still trying to repress their feelings which I assume is making them miserable. They don't talk much. My friend always makes sure she's not at his dad's house when he visits. He tries to avoid her as much as possible because he's trying so hard to move on. I've been his best friend when dealing with this because I don't want it to see it turn into a Royal Tenenbaums situation. The whole thing is almost a spitting image of that movie.
Whether or not they land up together again, i don't know. I personally have never seen them happier than when they were so I'm hoping for it even if it's several years down the road

forcegx7 - sounds like my situation exactly .. and how many years apart are they? just out of curiousisty... and i've never seen that movie, but i might have to rent it.

sundreams104 - Can I ask how old you are?

I have been searching for a place to talk about this subject and I am so glad I finally found this forum. Ours is a 5 year story which I will try to tell briefly. At the time I met my present husband my kids were 19(son) and 14(daughter). His kids were 15(son) and 11(daughter). When my daughter and his son met they became interested in each other and soon began dating. We told them we did not think it was a good idea but decided that it would be better to let it go on than to have them sneak around.

They dated for 4 yrs and his son, at 19, decided to break up because he had found some one else. My daughter was devastated. This was her first love and she got very depressed, lost weight, the usual broken heart routine. But, because we are family, he is always around and she carries hope in her heart that he will come back to her. She has carried this hope for 2 yrs now and it is very frustrating to see her go on this way.

He has told her that he no longer sees her as a girlfriend, only a step-sister and he will not date her again. But he continues to call her and come over which makes it harder for her to let go.

I will stop there with the story and look forward to any replies. Advice, criticism, whatever! I know counselling is an option but at 20 yrs old, I think that should be her choice, I can only suggest it.

Well if the feelings were still shared by both, I would root them on & encourage the relationship to grow & thrive. That doesn't seem to be the case here. I don't think it was wrong for them to get involved. It just didn't work out. If maturity = the age in this case, then they are just too young to know how to deal.
I think it's mean to say to her that "I think of you as a stepsister now. He could of said that he considers her a good friend now instead.
The fact of the matter is, is that we all have gone through this. We have all broken up with somebody that we still have to continue to see or deal with day to day. For example, when I broke up with me high school sweetheart, I was crushed! I still had to see her everyday at school & also outside of school in social settings because her friends & my friends hung out. It was tough especially when she started dating one of my friends a bit later on.
As time passes, you accept it for what it is & you learn to appreciate the memory of the good thing that once was.
You realize that you're not going to die from it & eventually learn to move on.
As far as counseling goes, it may not be a bad idea.
As long as the focus is solely on learning how to deal with & move on from the relationship, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea.

debidoo61 -

I'm so glad to have you on this thread, your side of this situation is very valuable.

I feel for your family as it has been hurt beyond anything I could understand.

Throughout highschool we all have had our heart broken. We all have that one relationship that we wish would have turned out differently. The issue here is more complicated than that though because he now wants to be a step brother after the fact and isn't considering her feelings.

As a mother watching your child struggle with pain is unbearable, you just want to wrap them up with bubble wrap and make all the bad things go away with a kiss. As a parent the instinct to protect is strong, no matter how old the child is. The parent's heart breaks with the child's as they realize that they can no longer heal with a kiss.

My suggestion at this point is to take your daughter on a mother / daughter weekend. Bond with her, discuss your old broken heart stories, listen to her and help her by asking questions, not giving advice, to lead her to a healthy solution.

I would like to know more about your family and whether or not you have ever been able to blend it into a unit or if it is fractured. What are your husbands thoughts on this and has it effected your relationship with him? Were the children sexually involved while living under your roof?

forcegx7 .. im about to turn 20 and hes about to turn 25 .. which i think you said was the same exact age difference of your two friends.. i know its a big difference.. but im a mature 20 year old and hes an immature 24 year old..

debidoo - i wish i could talk to your daughter, because it sounds like we have a lot in common since i know how she feels with having to see him.. and not knowing how to deal with it..

Do they both live under your roof and how did their friends/ your family take this? because my family never even found out about my relationship with my step brother.

Hello everyone... I've been viewing your messages for a couple of weeks now and finally decided to join Bella and add to the thread. I found you in a frantic search for 'support' when I realized I was falling in love with my step brother!

This could be a very long story... but to fill you in about my family dynamics; I'm 31 and I have two step-brothers who are 22 and 35. Their mother and my father married some 15 years ago.

I've never been in the same household as I lived with my mother until I was 18 and have been on my own since that time. My younger step-brother and I have more of a sibling bond but the older step-brother and I were never really close until recently... it's just over the years when I visited my father my younger brother was always around, still in high school - I was in college/grad school... while the older step-brother, "T" (we'll call him T), was away in the military. He'd already left home when our parents married. I had barely even met him. Now T is back home, ending a failed marriage and... I'm wallowing in my lack of success to ever find love. We're both in need of the very thing we each want to 'give' to that 'someone special' that we're both lacking and craving. (if that makes any sense) Simply, we both desire true love... there was already love there between us... and recently we've shared the dynamics of what we are missing romantically. As he explained what he tried to give and wasn't appreciated by his ex-wife... it was the blueprint to the very things I've been looking for (and vice versa).

He's expressing his 'visions' of happiness and what potential he sees in a future together...he's thought it all the way through marriage and children... even building a ministry together. And all of these things are... EXACTLY what I've dreamed a man of his caliber would someday feel for and express to me! But instead of being able to relish in the blessing I'm overcome with guilt and shame! He seems to be able to detach the 'familial relation' so easily! But I still struggle with what is the best course of action for my ENTIRE family. And the heartache I feel comes from the perspective of awaiting 'the one' for SO LONG... never settling for a mediocre relationship, not getting married at the first chance to be married just for the sake of being married, but waiting for the chemistry that 'fairy tales' say exist (if you just believe, pray and wait)... and now that it has finally, FINALLY come...... I can't keep it! I can't even TOUCH it!

I feel like I'm going crazy... because the man of my dreams... came in the form of... my brother! Somehow I wish we had met before my father and his mother met... it's really hard to let go!

You are not related by blood - go for it!

When I originally posted this topic, I was just taking an educated guess when I stated that this type of relationship is occuring more & more. I never thought it would generate this many people who are having direct experience with this type of relationship.

Keep in mind, notice when a young couple are together where both of their parents (eithor widowed or divorced) meet through their kids. When this happnes, we never make a big deal out of it. So I basically think it's the same difference & there's no need to impose a double standard.

The only time I think the relationship should raise questions are only if they were raised together under the same roof since childhood. They would have more than likely established that sibling bond in that case. But even in that situation, you never know some of the details behind it so I wouldn't completely be against that either.

The first basic underlying fact that we all have to remember is what Susan Kramer said above, "You are not blood related."

If you happen to be teens under the same roof, I would personally try as hard as possible to put the relationship on hold until you both move out of the house & find another place to live either together or seperate places. At lease give the parents that much respect whether they are for the relationship or not.

Sounds like more and more individuals are faced with this delema. It would be helpful if those that have had sucesses or failures with this relationship dynamic would add some of their advice to these love struck step siblings.

it seems like no one has advice for us .. hopefully everything will work out for all of us.

I wish I could be of more help but I'm a minority. My parents are still together and I'm still with my husband. So no experience here.

Well Help has arrived, thanks to the Step Parenting Editor. Please see the link below on her latest article regarding this very issue.

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art23429.asp

I read the article and I still believe that it's the people's judgements and reactions (that typically stem from insecurity) are what complicates the stepfamily not the relationship itself. I don't think it's right or even moral for someone to impose outside interference on anybodys relationship unless there are instances of physical or extreme verbal abuse is occuring. I also feel that she made too much of a big deal about how each member of the family should label each other.
She did state at the end that the relationship could work and even help the family dynamic to become stronger. That I can appreciate.

the article was okay but it basically only discussed marriage and what would happen. It didnt really talk about the problems that a step-sibling couple faces before marriage..which is what most of us need

Sundreams104 if your not looking at this relationship as the one with a future then I suggest you forget about it.

Relationships are complicated enough without adding to it and your immaturity will only bring heartache to your parents.

no its not that, its just that to even get to the marriage part, most of these couples need to face the before marriage problems (which everyone in the forum seems to be facing), which i think is pretty tough.

What I am trying to say is. Figure out if you want to live through the marriage issues of this type of relationship before you decide to continue.

Marriage is hard. Every morning I wake up and decide to love my husband. That's right, decide to. The feeling of love can wear thin after 8 years and the problems associated with living together and creating a life together quickly overshadow the giddy love. Life gets in the way, even if you try not to let it, work, kids, friends, and family all take its tole on a marriage. So every morning you have to make a decision to love your partner no matter what.

Every relationship is different and will take a lot more than advice on an anonymous forum. Talk to someone you trust, a pastor, a councellor, a parent. Someone who has experience with marriage. It's always a good idea to talk to someone who has a failed marriage to find out the pit falls and the heartache as well as someone who has a long successful marriage, like a grandparent.

Regardless who your marrying it is always a good idea to go into a serious relationship with your eyes wide open.

I've gone looking for help for you again.

Keep checking the step family, relationship and dating forum for help.

I was raised with 2 step brothers and a step sister. We have lived together as a family in my fathers home off and on for years. I personally would never think to date one of my step brothers. We aren't particularly close by ay means, but I still don't think it would happen. The thought never occured to me, as I was brought up that they are my brothers, and you just don't date your brother.

Now another example would be my mother. She remarried and her new husband has children of his own. They are considered my siblings, through marriage of course. We never lived together or anything. His kids are grown, and for the most part, so am I..LOL. I wouldn't date them either.

I guess it really does depend on the circumstances, but to me it is a foreign concept. I am trying to look at this from an "open mind" but it just doesn't seem to sit right. Good Luck!!

D81nOnly2,

Since you were raised with the 2 step bros & a step sis originally, you established that sibling bond. This is what you are familiar with and therefore the perceptions you have of how this relationship should be in your mind, will automatically carry over to your mother's new step childern. Even though you have yet to establish that sibling bond with them. Let us say hypothetically, you were a single child and never grew up with any "stepsiblings" because your parents were together for most of your life. Then as you got older (a young adult or adult) your parents divorced & one of them remarried to another person who happens to have childern around the same age as you. Since you never experienced that sibling bond of any kind, you may be inclined to become attracted to & consider one of them as a potential boyfriend/girlfriend.
There is perfectly nothing wrong with that. And if you were to become attracted to and started dating one of your mother's new husband's kids, I don't think there would be anything wrong with that either.

I sent the author of that article Carrendy posted an email stating my friends situation. She actually was mostly concerned about their ages because I forgot to mention to her that they are adults. The author stated that the only time this relationship should be in question is when the ages of the persons involved are not quite adults yet.

Life is about love and finding balance. It wouldn't be a good thing to pursue this type of relationship if you're the type of persons who have a hard time communicating with each other and being mature enough to deal with the consequences tactfully and respectfully if things don't work out with the relationship. I really think it's not right for people to assume that others are this incapable.

I think most people label this as being wrong or taboo because we assume that most people aren't mature enough to handle these things, and we impose this one size fits all to both adults and teens. We also base the reason why this relationship may not work out on the existence of the relationship itself. When in all actuality it doesn't work out due to the strain & stressed caused by others imposing their insecure reactions and negative judgements upon the 2 persons involved. If the outside people were really geniunely concerned about how the relationship would affect their family, they would be more inclined to be alleys in helping the relationship to work out and prosper than to just simply discourage it.

My friend & his dad's stepduaghter has been going through some tough times and really them being apart because of their friends and familys' judgements & reactions has had more of a negative effect of both of their well beings than when they were prospering together in their relationship.
They were honestly and truly good for each other and I attest first hand that they brough the best out of one another.

Hello. I am new to this forum and actually ran into it by reading this topic after googling step-siblings. I'd like to tell you all my story.
My father and step mother got married when I was 9. His new wife had 2 sons, one which was 10, and the other was 4. We (my siblings and I) didn't go see my father much; he's selish and his wife is even more so and we weren't very welcome out there. I didn't start going out there on a regular basis until I was about 14. When I turned 15 I chose to move out there.... and was placed in a bedroom with my 16 year old step brother.... I'm sure you can imagine how things progressed slowly. I didn't get along well with my step mother to say the least and was miserable. She made me feel very unwelcome and treated me like a rock in her shoe. My father didn't do anything about it. The only person who was there for me was my step brother. We fell in love. REAL love. We carried on our secret relationship for close to a year before we were "caught". We were kept apart for the rest of our adolesence. Last summer ('05) he came home on leave (he's now in the Navy) to get his divorce granted and we hung out. One thing led to another and yes, the love is still there, even 4 years later. But, he returned to base and I went on and got married to some guy myself who I'm now divorcing. I know in my heart of hearts that this man and I are meant to be. One day, we will be together and happy. He's actually here on leave again and we've hung out a couple times, but we're kind of keeping a distance since he's headed to Japan next and who knows when we'll see one another again... Thanks for reading, just thought you might want some "first hand" experience!!!

Wow. good story. I'm surprised & amused that 2 adults would have 2 adolescents share a bedroom and not expect that anything would happen.

Gx7 - How are things going for your friend? Any change?

Yes and No. His ex is no longer acting out with different guys. She has settled and is living with a steady boyfriend.
I'm sure the feelings are still being repressed from both of them, but it looks like she's moving on in a healthier way now.
My buddy is (of course) not happy about it. But at this point, he feels like he can't compete with this new guy because of the higher status that he has. He is in his early 20's, is related to very wealthy high powered attorneys, and he already runs his own business.
My buddy has a good job but doesn't come from money and always seems to be struggling a bit financial...so he can't compete with this guy.
So this might be the reality check he needs in order for him to start moving on also.

Thank you for reading my story. i'm sorry to hear about your buddy. It sounds like he's in a similar boat as I am. "T" (my step-brother, that's what we'll call him) is seeing a girl currently and although he doesn't talk much about her to me; I hear he's pretty content with her. Yes, I'm miserable about it. I love him; but I don't think I could ever be with him. Not that I'm ashamed of us by any means. I got over the shame of being in love with my step brother some time ago. But his mother is an awful human being and it's bad enough having her as a step mother. Comments or advice are always welcome! Thanks!