BellaOnline Forums Family Siblings 'Step-siblings" Romantically Involved - Your say

Carennedy-
I understand what you're saying. Believe it or not, all my relationships have either ended because of circumstances beyond our control like moving to a different state or they have been resolved & left on good terms. I have even broken up with someone & had to see them on a regular basis after that because that someone started dating one my good friend. I was happy for them...they seem to be a better fit.
I can honestly say that there's no ill feelings with any past relationships. I think it's because I always insisted on courtship first for as long as it takes, in order to know what type of person I'm dealing with. It's a matter of really getting to know that person for who they are & how they deal with life issues before you take it to the next level. Because of this, I have been able to prevent that kind of drama...knock on wood & thank God for that.
And like my Grandfather always use to say, "Kill em' with kindness, but be sincere."
I think one of the main reasons that I achieve harmony in these situations is because of my spiritual background.

She is upset because she feels like her mother and step father are destoying her and (I don't even know what to call him anymore) her step-brother/fiance's relationship and her mother having a baby with her step father would just top it off. She doesn't want to end her relationship and neither does he, but she is worried that her mother having a baby will complicate things. I keep telling her that her feelings are ok and that if she wants to continue the relationship not to let her parents ruin it. She told me the other day that she thinks he might have gotten her an egagement ring.

nhgirl:

Your friend sounds like she feels betrayed. She needs to tell her mother how she feels, in a letter may be a good option. It sounds as though her boyfriend doesn't have the same issues she does. It's probably time for all four to sit down and have a good heart to heart in a loving and safe environment.

I can understand how she would be upset. Her mother has forced her to be a mother and an aunt to future children.

Nhgirl-

My personal opinion is that her mother has a right to pursue the relationship. As far as what to call your frien's boyfriend, how about by his name. Let's not get caught up in labels here. He shouldn't be thought of as her "stepbrother" simply for the reasons that they never grew up together &/or established that kind of bond.
If her mother has a child with his father, I would be happy for them. There's no reason why both of these relationships can't exist & prosper.

I do agree with Carennedy. They should all sit & communicate with each other their feelings, but also talk about how they can make it work.

It is a very sticky situation, but everyone involved here are adults. I think the parents should stay out of it and let the children decide what they want to do

For the most part feelings are not something that we have full control over, they just happen.

Communicating and bringing up the topic can be hard for most people and the other person may become very defensive.

One thing would be to write a letter, sleep on it, then edit it. Try to keep the emotional stuff as low key as possible. Invite the other person to sit down with you to discuss the issue in a loving manner.

Don't let the other person degrade you or laugh at you or dismiss your feelings. Speak up if they do and let them know you will be ready to continue this conversation when they can lovingly acknowledge to your valid feelings.

In reality our feelings, as much as we want them to be logical, loving and mature, most of the time they are not. It is how we act in spite of these feelings that determines if our behaviour is logical, loving and mature.

If anyone has been through this situation, your experience and advice may be of benefit to these people.

I would have to disagree partly, with this statement....
Feelings do happen, but the way in which we can have 'control' over them is to recognise that, legitimate as they may be, they are NOT who we are. They do not Define us, and are empty of any substance.... We have a right to experience them, but we should also permit them to arise, manifest express - and then, let them go.



Absolutely brilliant, and spot-on....
Your advice carries Wisdom, Compassion and Insight. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



In reality, we have no control over what another person thinks says or does... We may agree or disagree with them, but we have no control directly, over what and why they do that....
The only safeguard we can bring into play, is to decide whether we will openly accept their opinion or View.... And in that, we therefore subsequently decide whether we will PERMIT their View/opinion to affect us.
What others manifest, is THEIR choice.
How we take it in, and our response, is OURS.
It is up to us whether we feel slighted, hurt, angry, upset, gladdened, happy or content, at their contribution....
How we take it on the chin, is our choice....
Change can only be engineered Within, not Without.



Bingo, once again.... Good comment!



Not I....But with what you have contributed, your comments can only be of great help....

Lovely post....

Thank you. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I feel that this relationship falls into the following category: It's only an issue because people make it an issue.

It's just like having a relationship with someone you work with. There are different rules & concerns that must addressed like the risks & the potential consequences that may happen in a break up. These exist in any relationship in some degree or another. It's all about communication & compromise.
I also feel that repressing this relationship from progressing is more dangerous than the possible risks or consequences of a potential breakup of this type of relationship. Haven't we learned anything from Romeo & Juliet?

Only -
"that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;"




(Romeo& Juliet, AII Sc.ii)

I don't know the people or the relationship, I'm only able to play devil's advocate here.

Any step parents out there with an opinion on this issue?