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#239984 - 04/02/06 01:41 AM Re: Need A Break  
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,186
Chelle - Marriage Editor Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chelle - Marriage Editor  Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chimpanzee

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,186
Lake Lanier, Georgia
Actually, yes. It was what I was trying to say in my other post (just worded a lot better!)

Like I said, I suffer from depression, I'm not saying your husband suffers from this - but being under tremendous amounts of stress can cause similar "symptoms"

I know on my "black days" I just can't handle people - even my kids. I have learned through therapy to set the emotions aside and use reasoning to talk with them and say "Its a really bad day guys, I need some space and quiet. I may be quick to lose my temper, so tell me if I'm snapping at you."

But, it's taken a year of therapy to get to that place.

The fact that he is willing to go to counsleing shows that he is wanting to try and work this out. Most men balk at the first mention of the "C" word! So I am not so inclined to think he's having an affair after all, because I don't think he'd be willing for counseling then either - he'd be in denial. (I was left for another woman, so I tend to be suspicious of that - sorry.)

Things actually do not sound quite as bleak as when i read your first post. It will still be a lot of work - but I think y'all will be able to do it. <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />


Michelle Taylor
Marriage Editor
#239985 - 04/02/06 02:07 AM Re: Need A Break  
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,726
babyquacker Offline
Chipmunk
babyquacker  Offline
Chipmunk

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,726
Maryland
Leigh,

If you want him to stay, then I'd like to add a few things, as I have dealt with my husband acting like he was SO FED UP that he could leave, many times over the last 26 years. Honestly, there are times that everyone gets tired of the situation, tired of the kids, tired with all the screaming and fussing that goes on when you have children. Talking through issues can help your marriage survive and help you realize what needs to be done to make peace and quiet. <img src="/images/graemlins/rolling.gif" alt="" />

If the kids are always fighting (and you are probably in the middle), then he may well be just "fed up" with all the "loud discourse" between ya'll. My husband gets like that sometimes when my son (19) and I start at it, and he tells me that "he is really getting sick and tired of us acting like "children" and putting him in the middle". If this the problem, you need to work together to make the atmosphere quieter and be more loving. Kids can cause so many disruptions that we forget sometimes how we sound. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Talk about the future and make plans together, smiling and being kind like you were when you were his girlfriend, BK (before kids). Don't let the older 2 kids cause conflict in your marriage. If they have problems, love them but don't enable them to come into your home and cause stress. <img src="/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Fix yourself up and make a date to use the weekend (or night without the kids) to reacquaint yourselves with what is important ... you. Make him want to be there for you and your children by making his life seem valuable to you and your marriage. Men like to be "stroked" and will usually give it back to us if they feel worthy and valuable. They don't often realize that women feel the same way, but we have learned to do it all while kinda being aloof or unaware that the status quo is not enough for a man. <img src="/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Many couples think that a marriage can be sustained because of the "legal" paper and that the other stuff is less important, once children come. That is just the middle of life, watching our children grow up. If we cultivate our relationship with the person that we married, I believe that we can succeed with the person of our first choice (or second or third choice) and be best friends through the end of life. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Too many people forget to work at the romance. It is so sad to see an elderly person who is alone because they did not figure out to make concessions, give and take, and keep their marriage alive and exciting. Love, like beautiful flowers (and a relationship) can die without proper upkeep, nurturing and necessary ingredients to keep them healthy. <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />

Women are very smart and can manipulate (gently & lovingly) a marriage to work, if they want it. Get him to talk about anything...his hobbies, sports, his accomplishments, whatever you feel like starting, to get him interested in talking. Look at him and tell him little things that you remember from why you fell in love with him. Gently get close and talk quietly, like you are the "new girl" in town. <img src="/images/graemlins/lovers.gif" alt="" />

Be his new "girlfriend". It is fun to be friends, play games, find excitement with each other, and laugh. If you want your marriage to work, then work at it. See if that is part of the problem; see if he feels forgotten and is just tired of all the bickering; see if you can add spice to each others life. <img src="/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" />

I wish you the best, Leigh, just remember that women are from Venus (we love LOVE, cuddling, talking) but men are from Mars (they are hard wired differently than us). If you want your marriage to work, good luck with all your efforts. <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

God bless you and keep us posted.

Trish

#239986 - 04/03/06 08:15 PM Re: Need A Break  
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 46
LeighA Offline
Newbie
LeighA  Offline
Newbie

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 46
Saturday night I was online looking for sites about Midlife Crisis. I came onto a site that had the exact things he had been saying. I pm'ed him the link. I expected once he realized what it was he wouldn't read it but he did. He told me that sounded alot like him. He asked me how long this feeling lasts. I told him I didn't know. I assumed it is different with each person.

Sunday I gave him a card that had an olive on front and inside it had "Olive you". I wrote on the inside that I justed wanted him to know I am here for him. Sunday night we talked a little more. He told me most of the time he feels mad at me even though I haven't done anything. He said he knows it sounds stupid but he doesn't know what to do. Luckily he isn't taking it out on me when he feels that way. I mean that he isn't yelling at me, etc. He also told me he feels like withdrawing. He said it is worse when he wakes up. He doesn't want anybody to touch hime. He gets this feeling he has to get out of the house so he leaves. He said it gets better as the day goes on and by night he doesn't have a withdraw feeling. He thinks it's because everybody is going to bed and no disagreements with the kids or me is going to happen.

He has brought up again about needing a break. I have told him that I love him but if he feels he needs to take a break I understood. He kinda kept on about the subject so I asked him when did he plan on leaving. I didn't really want to ask it but I hate being in the dark. He told me has went to look at a few places but when it came down to paying the depostit he would back out. He said he just doesn't know what to do.

He thinks depression is just for people that are sad. Is constantly feeling anger/mad a sign of depression too?

Today he surprised me and gave me a hug. I'm not sure what is going to happen but at least he is starting to open up a little bit more. I still feel like I am walking on egg shells though.

Leigh

#239987 - 04/03/06 08:36 PM Re: Need A Break  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 3,053
BellaDeb Offline
Zebra
BellaDeb  Offline
Zebra

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 3,053
Memphis, TN
Leigh,

Men often express depression with anger, frustration and withdrawal instead of sadness. Maybe it's because they see sadness as a sign of weakness or something?

He should see his doctor. Many times, in addition to the "mid-life" thing, it is a very real biological situation.

#239988 - 04/04/06 02:08 PM Re: Need A Break  
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 46
LeighA Offline
Newbie
LeighA  Offline
Newbie

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 46
He is still here. The last two days he hasn't seem to flee as bad in the mornings. I know the issues aren't resolved. The only time he talks is when I bring up the subject. I didn't bring it up at all yesterday. I still feel like he is withdrawing and it is getting to me. When I eat I feel like I am going to be sick and I feel nervous all the time.

I was married before and the marriage lasted a few years. It was a rough divorce. He wanted out but when it came to the divorce it took four years. He is in the military and he kept having it put off or my lawyer's couldn't always locate him. We have two kids that I raised on my own till I remarried.

My husband use to own his own company when we met and worked out of state all the time. I was alone a good bit of six to seven years of the beginning of our relationship. Sometimes he was gone a month at a time. I raised all four kids and I know how hard it is to do it on your own. I don't want to do it again. Emotionally I don't think I can do it again. I guess I feel too old to do it again.

What I am getting at is when my husband first brought all this up he asked which one of us is moving out. Then he said it would be best if it was him because he needed a break from all of us. He usually gets along better with our two kids and spends more time with them. Would it be wrong if I decide to take the break? I just feel like a nervous wreak right now. If he left I know I will live but I just don't think I could cope with it by the way I am feeling right now. I wouldn't completely run out on my children. I could still see them daily. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Leigh

#239989 - 04/04/06 06:16 PM Re: Need A Break  
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,186
Chelle - Marriage Editor Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chelle - Marriage Editor  Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chimpanzee

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 7,186
Lake Lanier, Georgia
Yes - anger is a close cousin to sadness. Depression is anger turned in on oneself.

I know on the days when my depression is "deepest" I withdraw from everyone, but if I am forced to interract with people - I tend to have a very short fuse and little patience. My children especially can set me off, even thought I know it is not logical.

Have his sleeping or eating habits change in any way? more or less? Does he have headaches or migraines that he didn't before? The not wanting to be touched is another thing I can relate to when I am having one of my bad days. Whereas, when I am just normally "sad" or something bad has happened, I would welcome a hug or my husband holding me. A decreased interest in sex is another sign of depression.

The more I read, the more I wonder if this is not at least part of the problem. I wouldn't say it is the whole problem, but it can definitely exacerbate things!

On our main site we have a Depression site that has lots of info you might find useful. Click here It's actually written by a psychotherapist and might even be good for your husband to look at , too.


Michelle Taylor
Marriage Editor
#239990 - 04/05/06 02:22 AM Re: Need A Break  
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 46
LeighA Offline
Newbie
LeighA  Offline
Newbie

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 46
I made an appointment today with a counselor for Monday. Husband was all for it but now he doesn't think it will help since she doesn't really know us. I told him I would like for him to go but if he didn't I was still going. I will let you know if he goes or not.

We talked a little more today. He plans on moving out next week. He said it is still for some peace and quiet. He said he would be happy with a computer (he hosts game servers) and a television. He said he just needs quality time with himself.

He told me he feels the family is too dependent on him. When the kids wants something they always ask him. If he tells them to ask me they usually won't. He has always been the easy one when it comes to them getting things or going places.

He wants things to change in our relationship. He said he doesn't feel like we are affectionate to each other like we was at the beginning of the relationship. He said he has felt that way for a few years now. He wants to put a spark back into our marriage. He wants us to date each other while he is gone. Go out to eat, dancing, movies, etc. Plus we will still each other six days a week at work.

When he comes back he doesn't want the kids to come to him for everything. He wants them to come to us equally. He also wants us to do more things as a family.

What would you make of all this? Thanks in advace for all the helpful information you have given me so far. It has really helped.

Bella I am going to check out that link. Right now I will read anything that can help.

Thanks,
Leigh

#239991 - 04/05/06 11:01 AM Re: Need A Break  
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 64
eddie421 Offline
Amoeba
eddie421  Offline
Amoeba

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 64
Hi, Leigh.

It sounds like your husband is feeling overwhelmed at this moment. It also sounds like he is not sure if he wants to move out just yet and he is just preparing you incase he does. Now as for sharing responsibility of the children. Do the children always go to him first or does he just feel that way?

I hope to God he goes to the counseling session with you, please let him know, the counselor's job isn't to get to know you as so much it is for you both to get to know each other again. The counselor's main purpose is to open true diaglog between you both, making you feel comfortable and supportive.

Counseling, both individually and together with my wife, once, has open my eyes to a lot of my own issues and conflicts as well as in my relationship.

#239992 - 04/05/06 07:29 PM Re: Need A Break  
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 46
LeighA Offline
Newbie
LeighA  Offline
Newbie

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 46
Eddie the kids do go to him first. He worked out of state for about 10 years. Sometimes he would be gone a month, come home for 24 hours, and leave again. Sometimes he was gone only for two weeks, come home for a few days, and then leave. The kids always came to me for everything. I didn't work so I was here 24/7. About six years ago he gave up that job to be home. The kids slowly started going to him for things and then eventually it was mainly him. Especially since I worked at three jobs when he gave up his job. For the last few weeks if the kids call him at work for something he would tell them to call me. He is shuffling it all back to me. He told me yesterday I might not be able to completely handle the kids when he is gone since they might not come to me for advice,etc.

I found out yesterday he has talked to his mom and my 19 year old son about him leaving for awhile. I found out today a male friend of ours knows. The male friend also told me that he is really planning on moving out next week.

Eddie it is what is going to happen next that is keeping me on edge. I guess we all are going to just have to take it one day at a time.

Take care,
Leigh

Last edited by LeighA; 04/05/06 07:33 PM.
#239993 - 04/06/06 03:33 AM Re: Need A Break  
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 46
LeighA Offline
Newbie
LeighA  Offline
Newbie

Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 46
Yesterday my husband said he found an apartment to stay in and it would be ready the beginning of next week. Today he said he wasn't going to get the apartment because it required a year lease. It seems like that would of been one of the questions you would of asked when you first talked to the landlord. At times I am wondering if he is changing his mind about moving out and other times I think he is determined to go.

I was wondering if some of you could help me on this. One of the things my husband has discussed is us dating again. I guess he wants it to be like it was when we first met. I know this may sound stupid but how do you act on a date? If you are acting like there wasn't a past what do you talk about? I haven't dated like that in about 18 years or so. Also, how do you flirt? These are some stupid questions but I'm rusty on all of this.

Thanks,
Leigh A

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