Hello again, Yes you are right I was mistaken about who I was talking too, Sry <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> So now that I have the right person I will say to you musicalmom, If there is anything I can do or just to be a shoulder to cry/vent on just type away. That goes for anyone else too :} We are all on different pages and yet the same, but our trials are unlike that of most, so I believe it is our gift to find that we are not alone in this journey, and that we have places and people like us to share, laugh, Cry, vent, and whatever comes over us at any time.
I do have a son who is not on the spectrum and so far seems (hmmm dont like this word but for lack of a better term) "Normal" And the trials of Raising two completely different children is um WoW. But both of them are so special in their own ways, just cant stop huggin on them lol.
But as I have noticed with alot of mothers like me, our whole families become outsiders, and that is just plain sad, sad for them not me. God gave Alyssa to Me and no one else and i've no doubt she was a gift. So to all the others out there who cant or wont handle our type of people sry but "I dont really want to be your friend either". They are the ones missing out, not me. Sry I have a tendancy of going on and on. Anytime go ahead and vent on me ive got strong shoulders <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Dee and welcome to the forum. Thanks for joining and posting.

When I went through the divorce and supervised visitation data in court I was told I could not move out of State unless the father agreed.

Dee and Michelle - when you were divorced from the father did you both live in the same state or already in different states? Who did the moving, you or the ex?

I really don't see us leaving CA, but am interested in knowing the hoops you need to jump through in the court system to go. I would guess that since the fathers get unsupervised visits with the kids it might not have been an issue, but maybe so?

I have not heard from him in a few weeks - he calls and I have no clue where from since I cut the caller id service last year to save a few bucks.

We have not seen him in three years so we could just move and he would not know for months.

Hi Bonnie,

Alyssa's Father and I split in 1994, I continued to live in NY until 2001. By then I had remarried and we were all on somewhat friendly terms For Alyssa's sake. Ours was a diff story though, My new husbands position was being laid off for an unknown amount of time (later found out it was 1 1/2 yrs til it was back) So in order to keep his job we did a job transfer to NC The money was too good to pass up. My ex was not happy but agreed as long as there were calls, and that in the summer she stays with him for 2 months each year. I got lucky, he could have gone to court to try to keep me there but he didnt. They do have a tight bond though so it still kills me to seperate them, but he wont move closer to her (hes not in a relationship and has no other children). So I just pray that she doesnt insist on living with him til shes wayyyyyy older. Im sry that wasnt much help though.

Id call the courts and see what you may be able to do if the need arises and if things do change. You may be able to file for different custody. Plus if he's not coming around that may be grounds to change the custody order. But I wouldnt just take off unless your sure that he cant or wont fight it, that could lead to more court and legal battles etc...

We divorced because Kent was having an affair. i said I would file for "no-fault" and take the kids to GA with me, because that's where my family was from. He was too busy living it up with the woman he was sc*****, so he said OK. I would have slammed him hard in court had he fought me.

Lots of time has gone by, he's grown up, so have I, and I realized I contributed to the divorce just as much as him, just not at that immediate time, but that IS what got me out here to GA with my family.

The fact that your ex is so non-existent and has instability problems would probably go a long way in court, unfortunately it costs to go to court. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Maybe you could check out advocacy groups.

Ladies,
This topic is definitely interesting to me since I've been wanting to move out of Texas since my divorce. I have even stricter restrictions b/c by living in west TX, I am far from any other city and would be far from my kids' dad if I was to move anywhere.

I want to start the court proceedings to leave. I'm not even looking to leave the state, just to another city where I might find more services for my son. A move would do so much for me, personally. I am very very very afraid of facing my ex in court. He has much more money than I do and would try to take the kids from me just out of anger. I'm sure that I could get people to say in court that the kids are better with me.

Any ideas? I like the mention of advocacy groups. Do you have more information?
Angie

If you could go ahead and pinpoint where you would like to move to, and SHOW how much extra support your son would get from services there, I would think that would go a long way with the court. It would be the same thing if a child had cancer and a mother wanted to move closer to a children's cancer hospital (or it should!)

It might also be helpful to get your child's doctor or psychiatrist on board with you. If they back you up, and are willing to in court, even just in a written statement, it makes an impact.

In Mississippi, children normally get to choose what parent to live with at age 12, my son's psychiatrist said he was not mentally capable of making that decision at 12, to hold off until he was 14. The court agreed. The psychiatrists have that much input.

You can also research cases in your state using google search. I found some interesting cases. Start acquiring letters of reference. I gave the Court Evaluator a letter from teacher, therapists,case worker, volunteers and organizations we dealt with - there was about ten letters in total. I keep my copies in a folder in my emergency suitcase to make sure I have them for future.

Hi all! I am new to posting here, although I have read some stuff on here for the last month. I have 2 sons, both are hi-functioning autistic, or PDD-NOS. They are 15 & 20. The younger one is also a brittle diabetic, for 8 years now! I am a single Mom for almost 9 years, & the kids & I get NO SUPPORT SERVICES! I worked p/t until my son was diagnosed w/ diabetes. Our income is hi-end poor, we live on child support & the kids each get a small SSI benefit. No rent subsidy or food stamps, etc. Both kids have been in spec ed 4-ever! Currently, I have been trying to get recreation & respite services through the Taconic DDSO, which is under the OMR/DD, a state agency. The kids were turned down, because their IQ's are too hi! I have seen Moms w/ kids who have no problems other than the Moms were unfit or negligent get a hell of alot of services...I am getting fed-up w/ being constantly broke, socially isolated, stressed out, blah, blah, blah...I do searches on the net & find all these local agencies that are service providers, yet I can't get services cuz the DDSO has turned down my kids! I tried mainstreaming my kids in local places over the years, including youth programs at a local Salvation Army; each time it ended in disaster! Thank God my ex takes them every other weekend & lives nearby. He works for the Railroad & makes a good salary (I should try to get more child support!!!) so I guess I could be worse off. I want to see if life can be better for my kids & myself, so I figured that by posting here, we can network & help each other out! I'd love to find a local support group for other other autistic spectrum parents/families, but it doesn't seem to be in existence! I will welcome any comments, advice, etc.
THANX!!!!!

Hi there and welcome to the forum. Thanks for taking the plunge and making your first post. What does DDSO stand for? Is Taconic the area of Upstate NY you are located in?

I like how you described hi-end poor and I agree about those getting more services who have abled kids.

I learned of a backpack giveaway in my own area on the news. All the kids were getting backpacks and school supplies. Here in CA we have Regional Centers and I told the worker last week that Matthew needs new shoes and she said we can try to get something from the Help Fund.

So instead I get in the mail from her a printout from a website called Operation School Bell. A teacher or rep from a school brings kids to get clothing and backpacks. Like I am going to go to the school and say can someone take the class so my kid can get some things? This lady even had the gall to make a comment about my curtains while in my house - yeah I will go buy some now and let my kid go without shoes! She even said something about I can't do this forever (being a home health care worker) - I presume since that is my job through IHSS, so she says I should go out and get a job, put kids in after school care and eventually put Matthew in a residenital facility.

Those working with families have no clue. How does the child support laws work when they are older, since your son is 20, does the money go to you for him or to him directly since he is over 18 - or does that change once he is 21?

What kind of program is your 20 year old in? Is he still in high school until 21? Is there an ARC in your area?

Hi & thanx 4 the warm welcome! The state of NY has the Office of Mental Retardation and Developmental Disabilities. The branch that cover my area is Taconic Developmental Disabilities Services OFFICE. Taconic is an Indian word & we have the Taconic Parkway here, so they use that name alot.

Let's see...since my 20 yr. old is still in school, he gets child support till he graduates, when he does, his SSI may increase if he loses support. I will have to go back to court this year & show papers that both kids are disabled to keep my $75 a week in spousal maintenance & maybe even get an increase. My ex makes over $80,000 a year, & I have NOT asked for an increase once in the last 9 years. The reason being if we get an increase in support, the SSI goes down. The end result is the same monthly income, an irritated irrate dad who then won't take the kids every other weekend, & me flipping out! When I go back to court I want to drop my older son from support, get more $$ for my younger son (he is also insulin dependant & on 3 injections a day) as well as more spousal maintenance.

I agree about the abled kids comment you made. Seems like the respite, etc. is based on how ABLED the parents are, not the kids. I am so stressed I may become nuts & then qualify, LOL!

Everytime I hear of some program, I then find we are not eligible for some stupid reason, & the red tape & paperwork seems to make it almost impossible, so I try to take care of everything myself. I am the queen of bargain shopping!

I also have been told by some idiotic people that I should get a job & a life by strangers, & even my own Mom! I have NO CHILDCARE & legally cannot leave a diabetic PDD kid alone, unless I want to go to jail & lose custody, or risk having something bad happen to my son.

I would definitely consider my kids living in a group home or supported apartment after the age of 21, as you have say so over where, when, how & why at that point, & can yank them out of anything that is unsavory.

Both are in special ed 1:8:1 classes & have strong academics.

There is an ARC in my area & they can't do a blessed thing for either kid unless approved by the DDSO, who holds the purse strings...

I would love to go on Oprah or Dr. Phil & clue some people in on this!

There is an old saying "No good deed goes unpunished!" Yes, a good mom to disabled kids gets no help...if moving would benefit the kids, I would do so. I have even wondered about Canada or Norway.