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#181739 02/28/05 03:24 PM
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 4
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I would like to know what do you think about the beggining of a story(SF)about a girl who is going to play the role of the Almighty,the one who takes the control over people by making them fear of everything that deals with evil,with bad and by creating her own army of good spirits.The streets of London were gloomy, and nothing seemed to disturb the devilish atmosphere. A beautiful face was the only sense of living. Yet, who would have thought that it was nothing but a devilry, a way of seducing the mortal pilgrims,to push them into the great hug of Sin. We're all morsels(=nimicuri,nulitati) in search for a mot(=vorba de duh,cuvant spiritual). She kept on walking, dreaming of a better life. The bridge, with its old stones arranged in such an unusual manner, whispered to her sweet words, of agony, of dispair. She looked hipnotised, all so petrified by what she thought of being a perfect Universe, the Dream. The water was still waiting for its victims. She was the Chosen one, the perfect body, the perfect sacrifice...the Divine. Everyone may wonder what in the world are we living for, what is our purpose here down on Earth hence a Blueman(God, sky)always tricks us and makes fun of our humble human condition. One single life, one chance to make our dreams come true. She dreamt, too. She've had strong desires but now...She has to face the life, the disciples of the Devil, those sweet temptations which she had to struggle with, and whose victim she became in the end. This end...One tinny hand was touching the roughness(/ rugged)of the bridge. A trace of thick blood was left behind. There was no choice�at least that�s what she thought. No will, no desire of living. No effort in climbing up the walls of the bridge. It was as if something or someone would have helped the whole action/ act. There is always something out there, somebody waiting in the dark. The wind seemed to fight against the devilry. The battle was lost. No outside power was stronger than what rested inside/ in her inner. The water had a reason of joy, of celebration. It received what was most wanted.
Meanwhile, another restless soul was crying out for help. Inside the church, a mother was asking for help. She kept on talking, whispering, mumbling even, to the Holly Cross, and to another Mother. She have had a bad dream. She dreamt her daughter drowning, and there was no one to help her out. Tight hands, struggles and a desperate voice whose echo have awaken the deads. Her dream came true, and she felt that. All she could do was to pray that God would be merciful/ forgiving. Tears have started to cover the wrinkled face. Eyes were completely lost in the shadow. Sadness. (Her mind
wandered into another horizon.). A strange pilgrim showed up indoors. The black mantle covered the entire body and the hood was like a sort of a veil. You were unable to see the eyes. It felt as if a sinner would have dared to enter into a holly place without any struggle but full of repentance. Hundreds of angels seemed to fall. Everything was getting a darker side. It didn�t count the place. Everything was possible, anything could have happened. The mother felt the presence and turned her head slowly, as if she would have been afraid not to drive it away/ to chase it away. Her legs felt like running, far away from those wooden chairs. She stood up, real slow, and started to walk. Her steps were touching smoothly the wooden floor. The eyes could not dare to watch what was in front. Tears were falling. It was as if she would have fought a losing battle. She could not resist. How could she resist? As she carried her steps towards the huge wooden door, the voice of a beagle(=copoi, caine de vanatoare) was calling out for its prey. A single tear fell next to the other body. She felt the presence and the warmth of a possible connection. Yet, she needed a fresh breathe of air, she could not think straight. All she have wanted was just for her daughter to come back home or, al least to know that she was allright. The light was fading away while the darkness started to reign over the city. The change was made. She was the Black Lady now. The tears been wiped away by the strange presence, the other body.(scenery: the girl walks on the tears of her mother)(slow motion� the movement :like a dust in the wind). No heart beating, no turn of the head, no sign of pity coming from that cold heart, from that strange body. There was no human thing in that body. Absolutely no trace of humanity. Under the veil, the horror of living was winning over the good moments from life. The simple yet beautiful joys coming over our mortal lives were nothing but illusions. Sweet temptations,again. As the girl started to raise her face up to the holly icons, the eyes seemed to give a very strange light. Both her eyes were completely white. The iris was long gone. The hands had claws instead of fingers and nails. She started to move,and by following the path to the apse(sanctuary) she was tearing to pieces the icons. There was a very slow movement. Everything was done in a very slow manner. It felt like there was a time turning(a turn of time). The icons were falling like leaves in autumn. Any trace of holiness there was no erased. Any that could be seen. The eyes were getting closer of the apse. The danger was imminent. The what seemed evil was conquering the shelter. If we could name it a shelter. For her, it was nothing but a place were the great sins were performed. She used to be a very devoted visitor of this holy place. Just a visitor who was trying to find some answers, someone in search of understanding to the things she was about to do, and a simple person trying to reach to what was thought of being a good principle. A principle of life. Now she came in there, once again. Only this time, as a �thanksgiver�, a lawgiver. The Blueman didn�t answered her. She came to take it. God�s messangers had to quit their human condition and as that was not possible as mortals, she decided to give them the help needed. She was God right now. She have taken the heavenly �duties�. Especially those of taking lives. The sinners should have started to fear hence the New God decided to create an army of her own, an army of darken angels. Order was requested. The only dark existing in the world would be that of this army. The word darkness was about to take another meaning. It was about to be a �relative� of light, joy, of pure and simple, of innocence. Tell me honestly...do I have the skill?should I continue writing?thank you

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#181740 03/04/05 01:31 PM
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 559
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Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 559
I think there's great imagery in your writing. Some of your wording was a little hard to follow, but I see your location is listed as Romania, so I'm guessing English is not your first language. In my opinion, I think you should continue writing. There's a wonderful writer's forum that I find very encouraging called Absolute Write Good Luck!


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