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#177383 12/29/04 09:57 AM
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Got any good jokes?

Q. How many fraternity brothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three! One to sit on the second guy's shoulders and hold the light bulb and a third to drink until the room starts spinning. <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


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#177384 01/01/05 10:28 PM
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It was New Year's Eve, and a police officer was staking out a popular watering hole, positive that he would snag someone for a DUI violation. The celebrations rolled well past midnight. As closing time arrived, a guy staggered out of the bar, tripping over his own feet, stubbed his toe on the curb, and fumbled with his keys. After a few minutes, he proceeded to try his keys in the locks of 6 different cars, until he finally found his own. Opening the door, he fell into the driver's seat and fumbled with his keys some more.

In the meanwhile, all the other celebrators from the tavern were leaving. They would toss a wayward glance at the fumbling fellow, shake their heads in disgust, and drive off. Finally, after everyone had gone, the guy started his engine and began to drive away.

"Bingo!" said the police officer to himself as he pulled him over, read him his rights, and proceeded to administer a breathalyzer test.

The results were 0.0.

Perplexed, the officer asked how it could be that the guy appeared to be so drunk, but was perfectly fit for driving. The driver replied, "Simple, Officer. I'm the designated decoy."


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#177385 01/02/05 07:51 AM
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I'm not sure who wrote this one, but my hats off to you!
Subject: RETIREMENT PLAN

INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth

$49.00.

With Enron,

you would have had

$16.50

left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom,

you would have had less than

$5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00

worth of Beer one year ago,

drank all the beer,

then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had

$214.00.

Based on the above,

current investment advice is to

drink heavily and
recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan!


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#177386 01/02/05 03:21 PM
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Which word from Group B belongs with the words from Group A?

A. BLAST, PAPER, BOX, BANK

B. JUICE, BAG, CRADLE, CARPET


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#177387 01/02/05 03:42 PM
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Bag?

#177388 01/02/05 07:40 PM
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OK, babyquacker! You may be right, but why???


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#177389 01/02/05 08:39 PM
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Hi, Carolyn. I used 2 thoughts to come up with bag...first, I looked for the association and decided blast and bank were oddballs, so I figured that paper and box held things, like a bag would. The other thought was silly, but what can you carry beer in, other than paper bags or boxes? LOL

Trish

#177390 01/02/05 09:48 PM
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I like how you think, Trish! You CAN carry beer in them and have fun! Makes sense, but that's not exactly why you're right. Try again!

Last edited by Carolyn-Beer & Brewing Editor; 02/12/05 10:36 AM.

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#177391 01/22/05 11:35 PM
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Give up?

Answer: BAG - If you put SAND before each word:
Sand bag, sand blast, sand paper... etc.
LOL

<img src="/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by Carolyn-Beer & Brewing Editor; 02/12/05 10:37 AM.

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#177392 02/07/05 10:37 PM
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After the Great Britain Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."


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#177393 02/10/05 01:26 PM
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A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a tripel belgian ale.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another tripel. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he'd had enough.

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you. What's with the pocket business?"

"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer's picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough."


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#177394 02/11/05 08:47 PM
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There are two fish in a tank - one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this?"

#177395 02/15/05 06:46 PM
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


Cheers!
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#177396 02/17/05 10:28 PM
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Translating corporate slogans is a delicate art. Upon translation into Spanish, the Coors slogan, "Get loose with Coors" became "Get the runs with Coors." They decided to go with another slogan.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.


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#177397 03/03/05 01:49 PM
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Some of the guys got together have a few beers and to play poker one Saturday night. After about four hours of playing, Jim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over. One of the gamblers, who happened to be a doctor, examined him. To everyone's surprise and shock, poor Jim had died of a heart attack.

None of his friends knew just how to break the sad news to Jim's wife. Finally Eddie said, "I think that I can be diplomatic about it, and break the news to her gently."

Eddie rang the bell at Jim's house. When Jim's wife answered the door, Eddie calmly said to her, "Jim just gambled with us and lost $1,000."

When Jim's wife heard this she said, "Just tell Jim to just drop dead!" Eddie replied, "That's exactly what he did."

#177398 03/08/05 01:07 AM
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An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."


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#177399 03/11/05 10:47 AM
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One fall day Tom was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Tom went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. �My wife,� the man replied.

�I'm sorry,� said Tom, �what happened to her?�

�My dog bit her and she died.� Tom then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, �My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.�

Tom thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, �Can I borrow your dog?�

To which the man replied, �Get in line.�

#177400 04/10/05 01:41 AM
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Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time he was knee'd in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then he left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug beat the bjeezes out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" answered the doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around."


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#177401 05/12/05 12:48 AM
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Signs you need a New Doctor:
- He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk."
- Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.
- He keeps accidentally referring to himself as "the defendant."
- He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Long Island.
- He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks."
- His examination room is Room 201 at the No-Tell Motel.
- He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, "Doctor Jim Beam."
- Before surgery, he asks if you want this "to go."
- He tries to color your X-rays with crayons.


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#177402 05/12/05 01:07 AM
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A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel.

The new bride is concerned and asked, "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "Hmm... Good point. I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug . . . "AHA!" he shouts!

Sure enough, under the rug was a small disc shaped plate, with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the plate out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

Curious, the groom says, "And why, sir, are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER yours complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

#177403 06/02/05 10:53 PM
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A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up.

#177404 06/02/05 10:59 PM
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Warning! This is a TRUE STORY:

After a young man had grown up and become a man, he and his father were seated in front of the TV, during a football game. During halftime exercises, his dad remarked, "Son, every time I gave you a whipping when you were bad, you would go into the bathroom and spend about 30 minutes, scrubbing the toilet. You got it spotlessly clean, and I could never figure out why you did that."

Without taking his eyes off the TV, the young man replied, "I was just getting even with you, for whipping me."

The father, startled, replied, "How? By cleaning the toilet?"

"No", the son answered, "by scrubbing it with YOUR TOOTHBRUSH."

#177405 06/02/05 11:07 PM
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!"

"Hun," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

#177406 07/26/05 06:35 AM
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Logic???

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.. On my desk I have a work station...

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

O.K., who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

#177407 07/31/05 05:43 PM
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A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde in a sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D.

The blonde driver is searching through her purse and asks the cop, "What does it look like?"

The cop says, "It's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture.

She hands it to the cop and after a few seconds looking into the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the driver and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

#177408 07/31/05 05:46 PM
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The first Canadians are debating over what to name their country.

The first one says, "Let's start out with a C, eh?"

The second one replies, "Then let's continue on with an N, eh?"

The third one says, "And let's end with a D, eh?"

#177409 08/11/05 11:39 PM
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A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

#177410 08/14/05 08:06 AM
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One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, "Are you really going to let him get away with this?"

"No, I guess not, " says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, " Why did you let him do that?"

To this God says, "Who's he going to tell?"

#177411 08/28/05 09:53 PM
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A True Story.... if she had killed herself -- God forbid -- she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina - maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.(wait for it......)

(REMEMBER, this is TRUE.......)

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.

#177412 08/28/05 10:09 PM
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TENDJEWBERRYMUD

It's amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the conversation. Read aloud for best results.

"Tendjewberrymud"

Be warned, you're may find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. This has been nominated for a best email award!

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. [censored] ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

#177413 09/04/05 12:51 PM
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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and tells the loan officer that she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls-Royce, which is parked in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out, so the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

As the blonde leaves with the money, the bank's president and officers enjoy a good laugh at someone using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee moves the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it.

Two weeks later the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

As he hands the keys back to the blonde, the loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and the transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked your records and found that you are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

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There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh! I'm still winning."

#177415 10/01/05 10:48 AM
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Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, "Small world!"

#177416 10/18/05 11:31 PM
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Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them, complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago, and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up... and I have not heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument!

#177417 10/27/05 07:46 AM
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An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde flight attendant. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The flight attendant replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"

#177418 11/11/05 01:16 AM
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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man," the priest said.

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does," the man said.

#177419 12/04/05 02:05 PM
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little b%#*ard on your knee!"

#177420 12/25/05 01:34 PM
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Here are some one-liners for those who love a quick little laugh -

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

#177421 03/12/06 02:25 PM
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A writer dies and reaches the Golden Gates where God gives him a choice to either go to Heaven or Hell. He finds it difficult to make up his mind so he asks God if he can have a little tour of both places.

God agrees and they first go to Hell where the writer sees rows and rows of writers, chained to their desks in an overheated room, being whipped if they stopped writing for a second by merciless editors and publishers. This really frightens the writer who then proceeds to Heaven hoping it'll be better.

In Heaven too he sees rows of writers, chained to their desks in an over heated room, being whipped mercilessly.

So he turns to God and says, "But they're both the same!"
To which God replies, "Oh no. Here in Heaven your work gets published!"

#177422 03/22/06 07:37 PM
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SUV BLACK BOXES

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing Black Box VOICE recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's.

The Black Box VOICE Recorders used an electronic "loop" that could store 15-30 seconds of voice (depending on circumstances) and stopped recording after air bag deployment.

The survey looked to evaluate the words spoken before crashes, particularly fatal crashes. The VOICE recorder test was also a preliminary test to the feasibility of installing more advanced recorders which could record other
information (e.g., speed, direction, acceleration, etc.)

Review of the tapes of fatal crashes, showed that in 41 of the 50 states, in 61.2 percent of the fatal crashes, the recorded last words of drivers were, "Oh S***!"

The states of Oklahoma, Nebraska, Missouri, Kansas, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas, North Dakota were different, however. In these states, 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."


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#177423 04/05/06 10:30 PM
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Read this News of the Weird in the paper:
Turning water into wine is a miracle. Transforming water into beer, though, is more likely a plumbing error. At least that's the conclusion one can draw from this case last week in west Norway, where a woman turned on the tap in her apartment to clean some silverware and beer flowed out. Said the woman, "We thought we were in heaven." In fact, a worker in a bar two floors below had accidentally mixed up the pipes, connecting a new keg to a water pipe leading to the apartment rather than to the bar's beer taps, which received water. Just FYI, though, if the 10 Spot ever disappears for good, the most likely reason is that my pipes got crossed with my local watering hole, Molly Pitcher's Ale House on Manhattan's Upper East Side.

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the
son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up,
"Patrick Henry, 1775."

Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people,
by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up, "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna' puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1997."

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little [censored]. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh [censored], we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, some one shouted "Duck!"
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
Pedro chimed in, "Dick Cheney 2006."

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Amore?

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That's Samurai.

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My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck -- and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said, "Great! Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.......

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.......

And...Both tests came out positive!"

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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries?"

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom,
cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is,
after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately
asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

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"A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon."

Not Bad...


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Don't Trust Your Spell-Checker!

Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plain lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.


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Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.

On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had
genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"


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After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."



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A blonde went into an appliance store to purchase a computer. She walked up to a unit and called for the salesman. "I would like to buy this computer. please." she said.
The clerk responded with, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Angered, she left the store and went to a hair salon and had her died red.

She went back into the store, walked up to the same unit and talked to the same clerk. "I would like to buy this computer please." she said indignantly.
The clerk responded, "Sorry, we dont sell to blondes."

How did he know she was a blonde? Her hair was red.

She left the store, went to a hair salon and had her hair dyed black.

She went back intio the same appliance store, went to the same unit, talked to the same clerk.
"I would like to buy this computer please."
She got the same reply from the clerk.

Finally she said, "I am not a blonde. I am a brunette."

The clerk replied, "And that is not a computer. It is a microwave oven."


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A grasshopper walked into a bar, sat on the stool and the bartender said, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper replied, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"


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A termite walks into a bar and asked, "Is the bar tender here?"


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A baby seal was walking down the street and walked into a club.


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This guy was pulled over for speeding by a policeman.

"License and registration, please" the officer asked.

"Sorry, dont have them."

The cop was shocked. "Is your insurance card in the glove compartment?"

"Yes" the man said.

Open your glove box please." the officer said.
"Sorry, that is where I keep my guns and I dont want them falling out."

"Sir, step out of the car and open the trunk please."
"Sorry that is where I have the dead bodies."

The officer was shocked. He told the man to sit there while he called his supervisor.

When the supervisor arrived he asked the man if he had a driver's license.
The man said yesa and handed it to him.

"Sir, what is in the glove compartment?" the confused officer asked.

"Just my insurance card." the man replied. He opened it and handed the insurance card to the suprvisor.

The supervisor and the officer were really confused now.

"Sir, please step out of the car and open the trunk."
The man complied and there was only a jack in there.

"All right, what is going on? This officer told me that you dont have a license, a glove compartment full of guns and a trunk with dead bodies too."

The man responded with, "I suppose he told you that I was speeding too."


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This woman wanted the inside of her house painted so she called a contractor to come and give her an estimate.

The next week he came to her house and went through the rooms with her. This room I want painted blue. The contractor wrote something down on a pad and then walked over to the window.

"GREEN SIDE UP!" he shouted and then walked backto the woman.

They walked into another room and she told the contractor that she wanted this room tan. Again, the contractor wrote something down in his notebook and again walked over to the window and shouted out "GREEN SIDE UP!"

He walked back to the woman and she was very curious about what was going on.

Well, the same thing went on in every room they walked into and finally she asked,"Why do you go to the window and shout green side up every time I tell you I want a room painted a certain color?"

"Oh, sorry about that." he said. "I have a group of blonde women laying sod across the street."


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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding on to her hat so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must be aware that your bottom is exposed," said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied:
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old."
"I just bought this hat yesterday!"


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Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"


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Ambiguous phrases:

Her kiss left a lot to be desired.

Students hate annoying professors.

I saw her duck.

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Posted in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

BANGKOK DRY CLEANER: Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.


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Basic Truisms:

Everyone has a photographic memory; some don't have film.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down ... the buffalo is empty.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be...without sponges.

Despite the cost of living, have you ever noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.


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Posted: BEAR WARNING
In light of the rising frequency of human-grizzly bear conflicts, the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions to be alert for bears while in the field:

�We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren�t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear droppings and grizzly droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings are larger, have little bells in them, and smell like pepper.�


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If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that...

Electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
laundry workers could decrease,
eventually becoming depressed and depleted,
bedmakers would be debunked,
baseball players will be debased,
landscapers will be deflowered,
bulldozer operators will be degraded,
organ donors will be delivered,
software engineers will be detested,
garment workers will be debriefed,
and song writers will eventually decompose.
On a more positive note, politicians could be devoted

Now, I wonder if:

A flirt can be decoyed
a clerk defiled
a newly married woman dismissed
when Mickey retired from baseball, was his team dismantled
you lose your Grateful Dead ticket, you are disconcerted
a guy from Copenhagen loses citizenship, he is disdained
a pig loses his voice, he's disgruntled
they kick you out of the club, you're dismembered
you cut your hair, you're distressed


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Fun Things to do in an Elevator

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When there is only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Sit with a desk, pencil cup and a telephone in the elevator. When someone walks in, ask if they have an appointment. (thanks to Shoaib)

Push a button, pretend it gave you a shock. Smile and go back for more.

Ask the others in the elevator which floor they're going to, but push the wrong buttons.

Call the Psychic Hotline and ask them if they know which floor you're on.

Hold the doors open as if you're waiting for a friend, but then let it close. Say to nobody, "Hey, Wally, how's it been?"

Drop a pen, wait for someone to pick it up and then yell, "That's mine!"

Put a cardboard box in the corner; when someone gets on ask them if they can hear ticking.

When the doors close, announce, "Don't worry, they'll open again soon."

Enforce a group hug.

Open your purse slightly and say, "Do you have enough air in there?"

Tell one of the other passengers that you're sorry, but you're going to have to let him go.

Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

Sing along with the Muzak.

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.

Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it. quick!" then whistle innocently.


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OMG, these elevator ones are hilarious! Maybe I've just been on one too many elevators, but...I'm getting a visual here..."human head"?



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20 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.


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Boudreaux, a Cajun in his fourth year as an LSU Freshman, sat in his US government class. The professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."


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Ways to torture the Pizza Order Guy

1. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "BedWetter�s Camp, right?"

2. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

3. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief

4. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.

5. Ask to see a menu.

6. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

7. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up

8. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

9. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

10. Keep telling the order taker about the other pizza place you sued last year.

11. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."

12. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

13. Order a steamed pizza.

14. Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

15. Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!"

16. Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"

17. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

18. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

19. When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"

20. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."


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Oh, Vance! You're killer funny! I like #19 - We'll find out, won't we?

Anyway, here's another little snicker:

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.

Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked,

"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,

"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.


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A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."


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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"



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LOL! that is funny Carolyn

So is this one: A man and a priest go to play golf together. The man hits the golf ball but missess the hole Oh B***** he says. The Priest is shocked. If you swear like that again I will pray that God hits you with a thunderbolt! He says. The man hits his golf ball again, but again missess, unable to resist, he says Oh B****! the priest prays and sure enough a thunderbolt comes down from heaven. It hits the priest. a voice comes down from heaven Oh B**** says God, I missed!

I found that one hilarious!!


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The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.


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Edited by management for TOS violations

Last edited by Jeanne Daigle; 01/03/09 12:35 PM.
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My cousin sent me this one:
When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................


So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!


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Signs:

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

*****

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

*****

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

*****



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Ha! ROTFL

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lol Carolyn. Sad but true.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."


Last edited by Vance Wrestling and Crime; 06/10/08 02:05 AM.

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13 CHILDREN'S BOOK TITLES
THAT NEVER MADE IT TO THE BEST SELLER LIST

1. You Were an Accident
2. Strangers Have the Best Candy
3. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
4. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
5. Your Nightmares Are Real!
6. Grandpa Gets a Casket
7. Dad�s New Wife, Robert
8. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
9. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
10. Whining, Kicking and Screaming To Get Your Way
11. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
12. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
13. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry



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Please excuse the rough language in the following story...

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home, PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT Four letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.


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Subject: For Sale
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little b*st#rd. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES:
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG
Looks like a rat...been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC RUNNING TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $320.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once by mistake. Call Samantha.

And the last, but not least:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.


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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"


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While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."


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Anyone for musician jokes? Her are a few:

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.



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