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After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."



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A blonde went into an appliance store to purchase a computer. She walked up to a unit and called for the salesman. "I would like to buy this computer. please." she said.
The clerk responded with, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Angered, she left the store and went to a hair salon and had her died red.

She went back into the store, walked up to the same unit and talked to the same clerk. "I would like to buy this computer please." she said indignantly.
The clerk responded, "Sorry, we dont sell to blondes."

How did he know she was a blonde? Her hair was red.

She left the store, went to a hair salon and had her hair dyed black.

She went back intio the same appliance store, went to the same unit, talked to the same clerk.
"I would like to buy this computer please."
She got the same reply from the clerk.

Finally she said, "I am not a blonde. I am a brunette."

The clerk replied, "And that is not a computer. It is a microwave oven."


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A grasshopper walked into a bar, sat on the stool and the bartender said, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper replied, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"


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A termite walks into a bar and asked, "Is the bar tender here?"


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A baby seal was walking down the street and walked into a club.


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This guy was pulled over for speeding by a policeman.

"License and registration, please" the officer asked.

"Sorry, dont have them."

The cop was shocked. "Is your insurance card in the glove compartment?"

"Yes" the man said.

Open your glove box please." the officer said.
"Sorry, that is where I keep my guns and I dont want them falling out."

"Sir, step out of the car and open the trunk please."
"Sorry that is where I have the dead bodies."

The officer was shocked. He told the man to sit there while he called his supervisor.

When the supervisor arrived he asked the man if he had a driver's license.
The man said yesa and handed it to him.

"Sir, what is in the glove compartment?" the confused officer asked.

"Just my insurance card." the man replied. He opened it and handed the insurance card to the suprvisor.

The supervisor and the officer were really confused now.

"Sir, please step out of the car and open the trunk."
The man complied and there was only a jack in there.

"All right, what is going on? This officer told me that you dont have a license, a glove compartment full of guns and a trunk with dead bodies too."

The man responded with, "I suppose he told you that I was speeding too."


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This woman wanted the inside of her house painted so she called a contractor to come and give her an estimate.

The next week he came to her house and went through the rooms with her. This room I want painted blue. The contractor wrote something down on a pad and then walked over to the window.

"GREEN SIDE UP!" he shouted and then walked backto the woman.

They walked into another room and she told the contractor that she wanted this room tan. Again, the contractor wrote something down in his notebook and again walked over to the window and shouted out "GREEN SIDE UP!"

He walked back to the woman and she was very curious about what was going on.

Well, the same thing went on in every room they walked into and finally she asked,"Why do you go to the window and shout green side up every time I tell you I want a room painted a certain color?"

"Oh, sorry about that." he said. "I have a group of blonde women laying sod across the street."


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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding on to her hat so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must be aware that your bottom is exposed," said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied:
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old."
"I just bought this hat yesterday!"


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Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"


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Ambiguous phrases:

Her kiss left a lot to be desired.

Students hate annoying professors.

I saw her duck.

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Posted in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

BANGKOK DRY CLEANER: Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.


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