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Read this News of the Weird in the paper:
Turning water into wine is a miracle. Transforming water into beer, though, is more likely a plumbing error. At least that's the conclusion one can draw from this case last week in west Norway, where a woman turned on the tap in her apartment to clean some silverware and beer flowed out. Said the woman, "We thought we were in heaven." In fact, a worker in a bar two floors below had accidentally mixed up the pipes, connecting a new keg to a water pipe leading to the apartment rather than to the bar's beer taps, which received water. Just FYI, though, if the 10 Spot ever disappears for good, the most likely reason is that my pipes got crossed with my local watering hole, Molly Pitcher's Ale House on Manhattan's Upper East Side.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the
son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up,
"Patrick Henry, 1775."

Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people,
by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up, "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna' puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1997."

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little [censored]. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh [censored], we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, some one shouted "Duck!"
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
Pedro chimed in, "Dick Cheney 2006."

Amore?

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That's Samurai.

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck -- and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said, "Great! Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.......

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.......

And...Both tests came out positive!"

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries?"

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom,
cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is,
after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately
asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

"A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon."

Not Bad...

Don't Trust Your Spell-Checker!

Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plain lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.

On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had
genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"