BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce When is enough, enough?

I'm tettering on the verge of the big "D", and I wondered, how do you know when it is finally time to throw in the towel?

I feel like I've wasted years of my life, but I don't think that is enough of a reason, considering we have children together. How do you know when you and your children would be better off in a divorced family, than living all together under one gloomy roof?

Thanks!!!
~K.

I think if there is abuse going on, it is time to get out.

I also think a peaceful life, even if in a new situation of reduced means, is worth it.

Been there, done that ...

Susan

I am in the same situation. My problem is that abuse can happen at different levels. I have had ongoing issues with my husband for 7 years now that have never been resolved. Still, those issues do not involve violence, adultury, or drug/alcohol use. They are issues of responsibility with our home life, like bills and home care. I am struggling because I don't know if these should be reason enough to leave.

I guess you never really know for sure, but I have known plenty of friends who dealt with hard divorces. Though it can seem tough, almost impossible at times, it is always better for kids to have two happy independent parents, than one unhappy marriage.

I think being divorced can bring challenges, but are those a worse decision than daily pain and unhappiness?

Think about.. if you were Divorced.... Could you look back at your marriage and know absolutely that you tried your very hardest to save the marriage. If you have tried all that you can, sought help, read articles, and assumed responsibility where warranted..... then you are done.

>>How do you know when you and your children would be better off in a divorced family, than living all together under one gloomy roof?

Thanks!!!
~K.

I think if you are asking this question, you know in your heart it is time to move on.

I am in the same boat. My husband lied to me about so many things and I believed them all. Now, with 19 month old twins, I'm depressed and don't know what to do. I have no income and my husband controls all the finances. Is there even a way out for me and my boys? I don't love my husband....don't even feel like I know him. Luckily he travels for work a lot and is not here. But, then I just get lonlier. When he is home, all we do is argue and stress eachother out. Anyone out there with any suggestions?? I feel like I'm just stuck with nowhere to go.

The way I finally decided was to do a pro's/con's list. I listed all the things that were good and beneficial on one side and the bad and negitive stuff on the other. A few things to keep in mind...

You cannot keep a relationship going by yourself.
A marriage will not work 'for the kids'.
You cannot make the other person change...

You MUST be sure that you have tried everything before you will feel ready to go on. Divorce is not easy; it is not fun. When your relationship is truly over, it is a relief and a good thing, however. You will know when it is truly over. In your heart, you WILL know.

When you have to ask that question then it must be time to go. Life is too short. There are many means of help out there. Church, family, shelters. You must decide but don't let anyone make you a prisoner of yourself including you. The first step is always the hardest, but once you make it you will be amazed at how quickly you cover ground. Also, do you think a child with parents is any happier knowing or whitnessing abuse or arguing than one of divorced parents.

When you can't breathe anymore....then you step out of the relationship and take that first breath....remember the movie "Waiting to Exhale"? that was the basis of the movie....

Use the same metaphore for yourself...are you feeling strangled in his presence?..even just sitting in the same room? then it's time to move somewhere where you can breathe again...

OH BOY. Where do I start. *SIGH* I'm 39, been married for 12 years, no kids. About 2 years after we got married, I was coming to realize that hubby and I had little in common. I felt more like a maid and a roommate than his wife. We never ate dinner together, never had conversations, intimacy was a joke, no affection, nothing. The list goes on and on. I had several talks with him and really tried hard to make the marriage work but I got tired of towing the line. Well, in August 2004 I handed him divorce papers and told him I wanted a divorce. It's now November 2005 and we are still lingering in the same house together, in separate bedrooms. Hubby has mild depression and ADHD. Can anyone give me any advice on how to get this ball rolling? I may sound stupid but I've tried everything. He just won't acknowledge the fact. Won't discuss division of assets, nothing. Avoids me like the plague. I know what has to be done but I can't be the only party doing anything about it. Gee, this sounds like the marriage!

divorce resource - Pennsylvania

Here's a good place to start. Check out your divorce laws. I would say move out and shock him, but in some states he could sue you for "abandonement". In some state you can change the locks while he is at work and leave his stuff outside; forcing him to move out, but some states consider that illegal (and it tends to make the situation very ugly very fast.

It may come down to you turning to a lawyer. Once the court system is involved, he has no choice but to respond, or be held in comtempt of court.

You might be able to file for divorce by yourself, but you cannot use "no contest" as a means if you do that, you'll have to have a reason.

My parents divorced after 25 years of marriage. I was 15 at the time. They were unhappy and miserable for so long. It was as if we were all living a lie.

Their divorce was devasting on me. But it was SO much better than living with two angry, bitter people.

Enough is enough when the bad times out number the good times. :-(

Anyone ever see "The Mexican", with Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts?

"When two people love each other, truly love each other, when do you know that enough is enough?"

"Never"

But unfortunately true love is something mystical that's only portrayed in movies. My Divorce finalized last month, and i'm actually doing much better without the Husband. Plenty of fish in the sea, and he's merely an anchovie.

In my case enough was enough long before I left and started my divorce, 16 yrs of alcoholism and lies. If I have any advise it is don't wait long after you ask the question, "Is enough, enough. If you have to ask the question, you know the answer. Change even positive change is scary, but it is worth the peace of mind and happiness in the end. I come home now to peace and tranquility, not chaos and lies.

I have been divorced three times. I could certainly tell you some stories.

I'm only 27, but still unmarried. I'm available ladies if you fancy an action-hero-stud* type (but intellectual too)! Not that I'm desperate, or view porn** on the interweb, and I'm not lying. I like to think that love exists, not that I've ever...oh forget all that. Yes, love, is all you need, as the rolling stones once said. Divorced three times you say? You're a bit of a stud too. Lucky guy, well, not lucky about the divorce bit...but nice to have loved rather than not loved at all so they tell me! God (sorry) it's cold here today!

*Hunk
**Naked birds

Believe me, divorce is no fun and usually the adults involved are so wrapped up in their business that they don't realize until later how badly the children hurt. You show me someone who's been divorced and I'll show you someone who has regrets.

I think enough is enough when you have to ask that question.

I agree with that one 100%.

I feel your pain, I suffered for a long time asking myself the same question. First of all, it is a question that can only be answered by you. I had a moment of clarity, as I am sure most women do when contemplating divorce. I woke up one morning and understood that it was my life and I have the right to demand anything I want from it. I had the right to live my dreams and be happy. Anyone who would keep me from those things, was not someone that truly cared about me. From then on for me it was easy to take the final step. I wish you the best of luck, and God Bless!

Enough is enough if there is infidelity or abuse. Short of that you should try to work it out.

I can help with the PA Questions.....

Both of you legally are allowed to live in the house all the way up to the day of the divorce, if neither of you move out. If he/she leaves and you are at home, it is considered abandonment, you are considered the responsible party for the house, which includes the mortgage, all bills from the date he moved out.

He/she is responsible to pay half of the expenses from any debt incurred prior to moving out. You cannot change the locks on the house until a certain amount of time. This is a very sticky point for a lot of people because they fear the spouse will come back and clean them out when they aren't there. I suggest taking pictures and an inventory of all items that are jointly owned and collected during the marriage. He/She is entitled to come back and get their own possessions they had prior to the marriage, clothes, books, furniture, etc...

Now, if he/she decides he/she would like to come home, you cannot legally stop him/her from moving back in, unless abuse is involved, if that is the case, I suggest calling a domestic abuse center for assistance, but you can talk to him/her about setting some ground rules. Whatever you do, do not have intimate relations with him/her when they come back. This can be used in court as a sign of forgiveness of the other spouse.

During the seperation stay faithful to your vows, do not go looking for a good time, you are still married and legally, it would be considered adultry. If he/she does it and you catch them, then you have improved your case for divorce and you wouldn't want them around anyway.

I believe most lawyers would suggest if he/she has moved out for an extended period of time, six months, then you can change the locks. Ask he/she to call you before they come over to the house just as a heads up and courtesy. If they start just showing up at random times, you really cannot do much about it, but you can write them an e-mail explaining how you would like the situation to be handled and that you are uncomfortable with the way it is being handled right now. This is the important part, write it in an e-mail or a letter, not on the phone. This is important for documentation purposes. Cover yourself at all times and be sure to be one step ahead of the other spouse during this time.

If you begin to see money is coming out of your joint account in a ridiculous amount, call him/her on it, ask them to stop the transaction, then open your own personal account, take exactly half of the money, send the spouse an e-mail stating what you have done and why you have done it. This will cause them to be uneasy, but you are just protecting yourself, especially, if you are responsible for the home, money might become tight.

Lastly, take care of yourself. Eat, exercise, pick up some extracurricular activities. When he/she calls, don't call them right back or don't even pick up the phone. If they are demanding to know what you are doing keep them guessing. It will drive them nuts and they will begin to realize you have accepted the situation and you are moving on with your life. This is not to say, you are moving away from the relationship, but when someone leaves, it is typically because they have lost something in themselves and are blaming the relationship for it. Sometimes it is the relationship and sometimes it is not. This will give the spouse time to either come to terms with the truth about themselves or bottle it up and move on.

This is a very hard time for you and I'm going through it right now and from a male point of view. It sounds like he needs to go to individual counseling and accept your decision about the marriage. Some people just are never ready to let go.

Wish i knew the answer to THAT one. no kids here, but things happening due to his past taht it seems i can't control. Things he needs to seek counseling for. and is willing to, but with medical problems and military traveling its been a when problem.
So what does one do when they're numb and confused.
same situation due to a workmans comp injury and really don't know what i'd do if i had to find a job.
Rebecca <img src="/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

oh my,. how prophetic you are. thank You
Rebecca

I have been divorced 3 times and am married again (this time for 11 years). We have a very happy marriage. We have had our share of ups and downs, but that is the way life is. I don't believe in staying together for the sake of kids. If you are fighting and being ugly to each other what is that teaching your kids? They will think that is normal and the way life is supposed to be.

When you have had enough & feel it is time to move on & there is no love left in your marriage then move on as you will only regret it in future life, when you do finally make the choice to go, you will always look back & wish you had of done it sooner.

The thing that finally decided me, was a pair of questions.

What if it were my daughter in this relationship - what would I want her to do?

Knowing that, what do I need to do to set a good example for my daughter?

Julie

If you have to think about it, its time to call it a day.

I am from a divorced family and I think that my parents getting a divorce was the best thing in the world that could of happened to our family because I got my parents back. Then down the line when I got married and was having problems I knew it was ok to get out of the awful situation I was in because I knew that it would be so much better for my children to have me focus on them and not on the problems and lies that my husband and i were having.Everyone should take the chance in life to be happy because life is to short to be miserable.

Wow the divorce laws in PA sound horrific! In Washington it is a no fault state, if you want a divorce you just go file for one, and it doesn't matter if disagrees or ignores it, or even fights it. If one party wants a divorce, there will be a divorce. My cousin went through the whole if you leave it is considered abandoment thing when she lived in CO, I think that is a stupid law, if you are terrified of the person, or if the relationship needs to end, why are you forced to stay in it? And whose definition of "intimate relations" means forgiveness? Is coercion rape or forgiveness, and who decides? Him?

Bit of a rant there, sorry. You know when you need a divorce. You know because when you look at him you don't feel love, you feel ... noithing...fear, anxiety, bewilderment. You are afraid to ask something that matters to you because you are scared of how he might react. You are on pins and needles that this time he will go too far when diciplinging the children. When you doubt what he is telling you is truth, when you actually start to wonder who he is with besides you.

I am divorced, but I complicated my divorce by getting back together with my ex and living with him for another 2 years before it all spiraled out of control. I should have taken the hint the first time around and listened to my intuiition, but I ignored it and the second time around at least I was smart enough not to marry him again.

I am also the child of divorce. I can tell you from my memories and from watching my children, that divorce, though very painful, is less painful than watching your parents fight or knowing your children are listening. Is it better for our daughters to see us treated so inhumanely? For our sons to witness our degredation? To see our parents fight so much that you go to friends houses to escape the fear?

You know in your heart when it is time to end the pain. Even Jesus says that when a woman is abused, or a man an adulter, divorce is legal. And we don't have to suffer broken bones, damaged ears, or death, for it to be abuse.

Dez

Would you have quit your MOTHER, FATHER, BROTHER, SISTER if they had behaved in a similar way to you????

You have the answer!!!

You have to look in to yourself then. You need to love this person to the extent you love your blood relations. Do this first and then tell me if you still need to quit!