Hello Owllady,
Thank you for sharing your situation. I can certainly understand the feeling about "God picking on you"! I think most of us feel like that at one time or another when faced with difficult circumstances.
I'm getting an intuitive "hit" that the book
How To Find Your Own North Star by Martha Beck may be helpful for you at this time. In this book, Martha talks about how difficulties are often messages letting us know just how far we've strayed from our "essential self". Here is a small quote from that book:
The minute I made a decision contrary to my heart's desires--before I consciously realized that I'd done so--my body would set about disabling me. If I stopped what I was doing and replaced it with something that felt right to my essential sef, lo, verily, I was healed.
She talks about how our essential self will do whatever it takes to get us on the path we need to be. She writes:
When you leave your true path and start heading away from your North Star, your essential self will use any or all of its skills and tools to stop you..."
She also talks about the social self vs. the essential self, which are often at war. Often criminals are caught because of their stupidity, which is often a result of the conflicted feelings they feel inside about doing what they're doing. I feel that our bodies/lives are the same way. We hate our job? We get sick. (Psychosomatic). Feeling drained or that you have to "drag" yourself somewhere? Your essential self knows when it's straying from it's North Star and will make itself "heavy".
We are always getting messages. The question is, are we listening? Or, are we afraid of the change that change brings? It could eventually get to a point where you have to pick your poison: the pain of living in the state you've been living in, or the pain of change and risking doing things differently to get a different result than you've been getting.
Life gives us no guarantees, and the "easy" way may not be where our North Star lies. For example, let's say the South isn't friendly to paganism. Well, are you doing rituals in your waiting room? If not, how will they know? I know hardly anyone that shares my path in my geographical area, but my path isn't dependent on what others are doing or not doing...just like yours. Perhaps there
are pagans in the South. Maybe there isn't. Nothing is a guarantee.
But it seems to me, going by what you've said, that
something has to change soon. You are at an emotional and financial breaking point, and this will no doubt affect other areas of your life if left unchecked.
Firstly, I'd recommend getting Beck's book. It contains exercises to help you discern what it is that you
really want in life...where your North Star is located...your heart's desire. The information is invaluable and practical.
Secondly, ask yourself a few questions:
How do I feel about my work? How do I feel about my relationships?
You've already said that you'd like to live in a warmer climate, so that's
one heart's desire that is clear. Good for you! Now let's work on getting clarity in the
other areas that have a direct and immediate impact on your quality of life.
What gets me excited? What makes me happy? What would be an "ideal" situation? Get as wild as you can get with "what ifs". Is there anything you can do, no matter how small, to get your toward something that you are enthusiastic about?
Your fiance lost his insurance for a reason. There are no mistakes in life...only consequences. Since life has no gaurantees, you can't determine or control outcomes. But if you're experiencing outcomes that you don't like, then you can always make different/better choices.
Maybe...just maybe...he's not supposed to be a doctor. Maybe he's supposed to be doing something else. Or, maybe you guys are supposed to set up shop elsewhere. The point is, start asking the hard questions and don't think life will work out on its own. Yes, things
do have a way of working out, but if we keep doing the same things (or nothing at all), we'll reap the same thing we always have. A problem cannot be solved at the level it was created.
This may involve paradigm shifts and throwing out beliefs that no longer serve you or your essential self. Change is usually never easy, because we cling onto our safety nets...which often includes are beliefs. And when I say beliefs, I'm talking about the assumptions we have that haven't been questioned in a
long time. Things like "I'm successful if_____" or "I'll be happy when _______" or "I should do _____", etc. These beliefs are usually picked up as a child from church, school, family, friends, media, social contacts, etc.
I hope this helps, and feel free to post more if you'd like. My heart goes out to you, and please realize you're not being picked on, but rather, being nudged to your best life...the life you were intended to live.
Be well,