BellaOnline Forums Family Christian Living Chuckle for the day

This from Oak Harbor, Wash.
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat." <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

From Schenectady, NY
I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear"

(For you young people, it's Glady the Cross I Bear) <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

From San Francisco:
When I was a child, I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name" I always thought that was God's real name. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dear God,

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Joyce

From Covina, Calif.
I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the
flag."

There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lot, so they put up a sign:

Church Parking - For Members Only - Trespassers will be baptized!

How will you spend eternity....
Smoking or Nonsmoking?

Come work for the Lord.
The work is hard,
the hours are long
and the pay is low.
But the retirement benefits
are out of this world.

One beautiful Sunday morning, God and St.Peter were watching a priest as he called his associate to ask him to cover his services because he wasn't feeling too well. They watched him then get his golf clubs and proceed to the golf course. St. Peter couldn't believe that the priest would be so dishonest.

St. Peter asked God how He would punish the priest. God told St. Peter that, on the 1st hole, He was going to give the priest a hole-in-one!

St. Peter asked God how a "hole-in-one" would be punishment. God said, "Just think about it. Who is he going to tell?" <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Trish

<img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Thanks Trish!

You're welcome! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'll add another after church this week.

Trish

A sad note...

Eclipsed by all the trauma in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a memorable person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in ... and then the trouble started.

The collection plate...

A Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister were discussing how they divide the money from the collection plate,for God and for the church. The Priest said that he draws a line down the middle of the floor, throws the money up, and what goes on the right side he gives to God and what stays on the left side, he keeps for himself. The Minister said he does a similar thing except that he draws a circle on the floor, and what stays on the inside of the circle, he gives to God and what goes on the outside of the circle, he keeps for himself. The Rabbi said, "I do something along those lines. I throw the money in the air and what God wants , He takes."

Trish

How Many Christians Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb
This sent to me by a friend.

Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)

Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

New Age: 4 - One to change the bulb, three to share the experience.

Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

This seems to cover everyone. I hope that we can laugh at ourselves <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're In
your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say? "Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I'm a teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the U.S. He bought a plane ticket to Orlando, thinking he would start by working his way across the USA from south to north.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall above a sign that read "$10,000 per call." The man, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The man thanked the priest and went his way.

Next, he stopped in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He asked a nearby nun what this phone's purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the man, and left.

He then traveled to Minneapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same
"$10,000 per call" sign under it.

Upon leaving New York, he decided to travel to the Midwest to see if he would find the same phone. He arrived in Indiana, and in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone. This time, however, the sign
under it read "40 cents per call." The man was surprised. Just then, the minister walked in and he asked about the sign."Pastor, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm
told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the East, the North, and the South the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The pastor smiled and answered, "You're in Indiana now son, it's a local call."
----------------------------------------------------
I'm a hoosier, even though I don't live there now. <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />

JAMES (4) was listening to a Bible story. His
dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his
wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James
asked: "What happened to the flea?"

A couple from Michigan decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel reservations. So, the husband left Michigan and flew to Florida on Thursday and his wife flew down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... somewhere in Houston, a woman had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister for many years and had been "called home to glory" following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read :

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 20 March 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
<img src="/images/graemlins/rolling.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> That's very funny!

Church Bulletin Blooper:

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Church Bulletin Blooper:

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

I apologize for the length, but this was too good {true} to pass up!

Report from the Pastor Search Committee:

We do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect.
Thank you for your suggestions. We have followed up on each one with interviews or by calling at least three references. The following is our confidential report :

ADAM: Good man but has problems with his wife. One reference told us how he and his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods.

NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpreting and has a prison record.

MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator; even stutters at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

DEBORAH: One word --- Female.

DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.

SOLOMON: Great preacher, but serious woman problem.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.

HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With some seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against wealthy people.

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one. May be too Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets excited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed. He's a loose cannon.

PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he's short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night.

TIMOTHY: Too young.

JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000, He managed to offend them all; and his church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he is single.

JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday in view of a call.
<img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Michelle
I loved it!! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited -
until you try to sit in their pew.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.