BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Latter Day Saints How to be polite?

I have a question, and hopefully you have some advice! My husband and I gave the LDS religion a try for a few months, and while we liked the people, we just didn't feel that the religion was for us. We had made two really good friends, who are really into the church. They came over after we had made this decision and tried to give us a hometeaching lesson. We told them very politely that while we liked them, we just weren't into the church, but thanks anyway.

Well, this sunday they talked with my husbands brother (he lives in our downstairs apartment) and decided to ahve another go at trying to convert us. They came over under the pretense of saying hi and seeing how I was doing (I've been having a bad pregnancy) but then they had the brother say "so what is the lesson for today" and immediately busted out their bibles and other assorted books to give us another hometeaching lesson.

We spoke with the brother, and made it clear to him that we did not appreciate his role in not respecting our decision, but I would really like to know how to tell our friends that what they did was not appreciated. We don't want to be rude, as they are nice people, but we DO want our beliefs and decisions respected. Any ideas?

I just want to add that I would like to keep the friendship if at all possible, I just don't want to be preached to anymore <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Jessica,
I just wanted to let you know I've seen your question. It's a tricky one, and I want to make sure you get the right advice. I've just sent an email to Patricia, who is really good at this sort of thing. One of us will get back to you shortly on this, I promise!

Thanks! I really don't want to lose this friendship, aside from the attempts to converts us, they've been really good friends.

Hi Jessica!
I'm glad you can see past the "good intentions" of your friends. Sometimes people get very enthusiastic about their home teaching and don't realize they come across as being overzealous.

As a visiting teacher, I've tried to be sensitive to those whom I visit. We have, on occasion, had someone assigned to us to visit that we could tell didn't really want us there. My companion and I, when faced with this, ask if they would prefer not to have visiting teachers. And sometimes we have been told yes! So at that point we don't visit any more.

I'm gathering from your post that you aren't a member of the church, but regardless of whether you are or not, the point is you don't want those kind of visits. One thing you could do is when they call to set up a visit, tell them they are welcome as long as they don't plan to deliver a message. You may want to tell your brother this also, in case he runs across this situation again.

Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to be firm, but kind, as in your post, and tell them when they pull out the books that you are not interested, and though you enjoy their visits, it's time to stop the messages. We've had friends of other faiths come in our home and try to "convert" us, too, so this isn't a problem limited to overenthusiastic LDS members. The sad thing is that this is usually a personality problem the person has, and it may take being firm to get them to stop.

Again, I have to say I admire your concern for your friends' feelings. I think that shows you have a very kind heart. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And I just re-read your post again... if your brother-in-law is part of the problem, your husband may have to have a talk with him to make sure he understands your position. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

hehe, actually pd, I'm in the scary psyco phase of the pregnancy, so I made it VERY clear to him that I did NOT appreciate what he did (he was right there in the room when we first explained to the friends that we just weren't interested in the church)

My father mentioned that people who convert to a new religion tend to be the most... zealous about converting others. I really don't mind discussing religion with people, provided that they keep an open mind, and understand that I'm not trying to force my opinions on them, and I expect them to be the same. A religious discussion can be very enjoyable, but they aren't coming over to discuss the different aspects of religion to us, their just coming to TELL us what is right. End of story.

I really like your suggestion of when they pull out the books to say thanks, but it's time to stop the messages. We have gone out several times with this couple, in non religious settings and activites, and had a great time. We did give the church a try ( can't say no if you haven't tried it after all) but it just didn't work for us. Despite how rude my family is (for those of you who've read some of my other posts <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> ) My father raised me to avoid rudeness, and I really had no idea how to NOT be rude to my friends, thanks again!

I said I'd chime in, but as usual, my friend has covered it perfectly. I agree that I admire your determination to save the friendship and your desire to be kind about it. Friendship should be able to withstand some rules and this is a perfectly reasonable rule. I have a very close friend who likes to discuss religion with me, and I've given her standing orders to stop me if I get carried away. Our agreement preserves a very valuable friendship, but lets us explore each other's beliefs, which is a way of knowing each other better.

I have two very good friends who are in the LDS church. While I find some of my beliefs and choices fit well with theirs, the religion is definitely not for me.

I made this very clear to both of them. Both respected my wishes on this and it has not hurt the friendship a bit. It does not have to be rude in wording, simply a clear understanding.

I've been pretty lucky, I actively get interested in friends with many religions but they've been quite respectful. In high school I had friends that were Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, and more. I had a great deal of fun going with them to their various practices and on weekends with them, learning about what they had to offer. And my friends were great about answering questions, but they didn't push me beyond what I wanted to know.

I think if a friend started to push me too hard that I'd mention it quickly but firmly. Friendship is too valuable to risk. If they really wanted to convert me, staying my friend and showing me steadily how happy they were would be far more effective than driving me away quickly.