BellaOnline Forums Family Adoption Anyone adopt an older child?

I'm considering adopting an older child in the 7-9 year range. I'm already 39, so I don't want to adopt a baby, plus there are soooooooo many older kids who need homes. I understand that the older kids come with more emotional baggage, and I am prepared for that. I was wondering if there were others here who have adopted an older child and if they could share the pluses and minuses of doing so.

Marian

Marian,

I have not adopted however, my mother and aunt were both adopted as older children (9 and 10) because my biological grandmother had lung cancer. My mom has often said that it was harder on her because she knew her biological mother so well. However, my Grandmother was great and she was the only Grandmother I ever knew and I'm not sure how my life would have turned out, if it wasn't for her! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have always said that my husband and I have been blessed with 3 children already. If we ever decide to add to our family, it will be through adoption.

Maria, thanks for the insight! It's amazing how such tight family bonds can be created out of a tragedy.
:love:

Marian

No Problem Marian! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My husband & I have taken a 4 year old boy, and last January a 5 year old boy. Our oldest is now 10. They both had baggage, and it has taken a long time for trust to build from them for us. I would do it over in a heartbeat.

Just beware of 'superficially charming', calling you mom the second you meet them, history of multiple placements, especially when very young kids. They will likely have attachment disorder. Good luck! :music:

What is "attachment disorder"??

It's comforting to hear you say you'd do it all over again, even after all the heartache.

Marian

My husband and I adopted a 2, 3 and 7 year old a little more than 18 months ago. It's been quite a challenge. We are experienced parents, but I have to say that the 7 year old has been, by far, the most challenging. She was the one with the history of multiple placements, the one who suffered sexual abuse, the one who has had the most difficulty trusting, attaching and loving in return - and none of these are unusual for children who are adopted out of foster care.

Older children come to you with fully developed - however, dysfunctional - personalities, likes, dislikes and quirks. The best advice anyone gave me was to consider this relationship along the same lines as a marriage, rather than a new child. It's a blending of personalities and requires patience and compromise. It's also not likely that it will be love at first sight, let alone love in the first several months - especially if you have a child who is testing you, pushing you away or doing disgusting things like pooping their pants and vomiting at will. <img src="/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> So it requires a different type of commitment than if you are adopting a cute helpless little baby.

But the payoffs can be incredible! To see a child blossom in your home is an unbelievable gift. To recognize the progress they are making as a result of your commitment is priceless. You'll need to cling to those successes, because they tend to by cyclical. Everything will be great for a couple of weeks and you think you're "over the hump" and then she gets scared and she'll retreat and regress again. <img src="/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

You just need to go into it with your eyes wide open. You're not "saving" a child (even though "outsiders" tell you all the time that you are and that you're a "saint") and the child is not going to be grateful for you getting them out of a life of foster care. Ironically they are often ticked off about it and you, as the mom, are the one to blame. (It's not logical, so don't try and understand it - just know that you are gonna catch the flak for it.) <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Adoption of older kids is a wonderful, challenging way to go, but as I heard early on, adoption is not for the faint of heart. I think that is especially true of older child adoption. I don't regret adopting my daughter for a minute, but there are days when I wish with all my heart that she could accept some of the love that is just waiting there for her.

I certainly hope I haven't discouraged you. I've seen lots of successful adoptions and there is a world of support out there for those of us who have bad days. :rolleyes: . And in fact, my husband and I are beginning the process of adopting more children!

I wish you the best in your adoption journey. I'm sure there is a child out there just waiting for you to be their mom.
Michelle

Thank you, Michelle! This is the kind of feedback that I was looking for when I first posted here. I don't want to hear only the good times. I want to know what to expect. Thanks for your honesty!

Marian

Marian,

Both of my boys have attention deficit disorder, and the oldest had attachment disorder when he came to us at age 4. Ja. could vomit at will, and did when angry at me. He also refused to wipe himself off after pooping, and still does. His underwear are always gross. He was sneaky and passively defiant -- if he didn't want to, he wouldn't say no and pitch a fit, he just didn't do it. Part of my problem as a first time parent with a 4 yr old was knowing what was normal and what wasn't. I joke with him now about some of the things that happened when he was first with us, but they weren't even close to funny then! These kids can get on nerves you didn't even know you had -- faster than you could ever believe. At one point Ja. got suspended from school 3 times in 2 weeks. After we got him on meds for the ADHD, he had a total turn around in behavior, but he still shoves hard emotionally if I start to get "too close" to him. For example, one day I had a migraine, and every time I would start to fall asleep, he would call me, and if I didn't respond, he would first call louder, then shake me. As you can imagine, I was not pleased with him. He insisted he was starving, so I made dinner, told my husband that I was going to bed, and retreated. The next day, my husband said Ja only ate a couple of bites and threw the rest away.

Keep in mind that, especially if they've spent much time in the foster care system, and if they were taken from their birth families due to abuse, neglect, etc., to them dysfunctional is "normal". We had a placement of a 12-yo girl years ago. She had a history of multiple foster placements, and in her birth family experienced sexual/emotional/physical abuse and neglect. She thought we were abnormal because we didn't throw wild parties, get drunk, and have sex in front of her! Unfortunately, in our situation the state withheld info about her from us (that would have caused us to decline the referral) and misrepresented us to her (made her think that since we were geographically close to her sister in a residential facility that she could see her often - then refused to arrange meetings when we asked them to). We ended up disrupting the placement. I feel that with an honest social worker with realistic expectations, these types of adoptions can work out. Problems arise when adoptive parents aren't told the truth.

Karen
Adoption Host