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#110841 02/22/04 09:45 AM
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I really need some good advice. When I first met my husband he treated me like a queen. Then after we had been dating for about 6 months he started changing. We lived an hour apart because I was in school. By changing I mean that he didn't want to talk on the phone with me but once a week and he wouldn't come to my house, I had to come to his house. After making the hour drive to get there he would always be mean to me. But I stuck by him because I hoped it was just a phase. Also I stuck with him b/c I remembered how he made me feel in the beginning of the relationship. Well we eventually got engaged and married. When I graduated from college I couldn;t find a job and he refused to relocate, so I had to drive a very long distance to find work. I make a good salary but he acts like it is nothing, he won't let me make any decisions with the money, even the tax return. He makes me laugh about 10% of the time because he is very funny, but the rest of the time we spend arguing because we have very different views and interests. We were raised very differently. I have always tried to overlook our differences and love him for what he is because I told myself that I would never find someone who agreed with me on everything. But I am afraid that eventually all the joy will be drained out of me. For example, when we go on vacations we always argue. Last year we went to a big resort and I wanted to eat dinner in one of the restaurants on the resort. He insisted we had to leave the resort and go eat at Chili's because I wasn't going to eat fancy food at his expense. This is just one of the many examples. I enjoy watching performing arts and music. He wouldn't be caught dead going to anything like that. If I had friends I would just go do things with them instead, but I don't really have many friends. I never have, that is one of the reasons I am with him (I don't want to be alone again). Also, we have only had sex once in the past 2 years. I blame myself for that. I suspect that he has lost the desire to do it with me because I am not good in the bedroom. I don't have orgasms, therefore I am nervous,shy,and not confident. We both want kids, that is a big thing keeping us together. The main issue is that I don't argree with the way he was raised and I don't want my children to learn his bad habits. I don't know if there is any hope to be happy in this marriage and I don't think I will ever find anyone else. I am afraid to leave but I am also afraid of becoming an old woman who missed out on things she enjoyed doing. Can anyone relate to this?

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#110842 03/02/04 09:21 PM
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Your situation sounds very very depressing. Fear of being alone is a terrible reason to remain in your marriage. One day, you will be emotionally and mentally alone anyway because all you have is a body who happens to share a home with you...is that real fulfillment for you? You could get a housemate with far less heart ache and hassle.

It seems that he was originally on his best behaviour to impress you. What you have now is what he is.

I personally feel that it is important to share a life with someone who you share some passions and interests with.

#110843 04/19/04 10:53 AM
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I can sympathize with you wholeheartedly.

But please! Do not have children with this man if you are this unhappy now. Many women believe children will make it all better, or at least distract you enough that the marriage problems don't matter. This is not true.

I ignored my feelings about my marriage 4 years ago, and now I have children with the man I should have divorced before it was too late.

And children complicate matters. Plus, I really feel that children actually made our marriage so much worse. I love my kids beyond words, but they are the proverbial axe that fell on our marriage.

Now, I'm stuck in a loveless marriage (I've been sleeping on the couch for months)becasue I can't get past the idea of being a divirced mom with two small children.

Also, I am petrified of being alone...like you. I keep thinking, "What if I look back on my marriage later, while sitting alone on my couch with my kids asleep and no other man that wants me in sight, and realize that I threw away a good thing?"

I have been agaonizing over this for months, and I'm still no closer to figuring it all out. This truly sucks...almost as bad as my marriage.

Keep your chin up!
~Karen

#110844 04/19/04 11:36 AM
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Hi Everyone,

I had a bad marriage and in 1986 I got out of it - even tho I had 3 kids still at home - I went to work, met people, made my own decisions and eventually remarried a great man. One of my daughters who was 13 when I divorced, told me 10 years later she was really glad I divorced because it was a peaceful and calm life rather than the early years of fighting.

You can do it on your own - you may have to cut your standard of living materially till you make some progress in the workplace, but the peace of mind is worth it so many times over.

Susan <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

#110845 04/30/04 10:00 PM
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Dear Sophiluv, Sorry you are going through this, but when you said "eventually all the joy will be drained out of me", I believe you are accurately predicting your future if you stay with this person.

He sounds like someone who thrives on control and is emotionally abusing you - you are in an abusive relationship.

Just a suggestion, it might throw light on why he acts that way, look up "narcissism" on the Web. It may very well explain a lot of his behavior, but be prepared that most posters who have been with a narcissistic person strongly advise that you leave that person.

I wish you the best.

#110846 05/01/04 07:28 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
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Hi Sophiluv!
Sorry to hear that your situation is as negative as you describe it. All the other posts have said more or less what I think - I understand why you don't want to leave him but seeing how bad you feel now indicates that you shouldn't put up with this any longer.
Obviously you'll never find a person who totally agrees with you on every issue - but you can definitely find someone who respects you and who will talk with you about issues you don't agree on! Disagreeing on something doesn't mean fighting about it or oppressing the other's opinion.
Take your time to make a decision - but I'm afraid you'll have to make one. And IF (big IF) you decide to leave then it'll be easier now than when you have children. (But don't believe that everything will change when you do have children, I think that's a mistake many have made...)
I think one way or another we're probably all telling you to leave your husband but ultimately this is your decision and your decision should be based on what's best for you.
Smile, girl!
B.

#110847 05/03/04 05:56 PM
Joined: May 2004
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Hi Sophiluv.
I pretty much agree with what everyone else is saying. Defintely DO NOT have children with this man. You sound pretty miserable yourself in this situation, so you defintely dont want to bring children in and make them miserable too!

Basically-you need to get a life. And I don't mean that in a bad way! You MUST find your own "things" that make you happy. Get out, meet new friends, get new hobbies. About two years ago, I moved to a new, big city, and had to leave all my really great, close friends behind and meet new ones. Was I ever scared!!! So I literally forced myself to go to different functions BY MYSELF in my new city!! It was terifying at first, but it helped me increase my self-confidence, and people were really impressed by me showing up places by myself (little did they know how scared I was....), and doing this, I met sooooo many people!!!
Good luck to you. Just get out there and create your own "thing", make yourself happy, get out of the house and away from the negative energy!!!
~H :love:


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