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That's a great point and a very tough issue. I definitely know of welfare moms who deliberately had more kids to get more money. They don't care for their kids well so the extra money goes to their own habits. The DSS takes away their kids so they have more to maintain the income.

But on the other hand there are many women who do need that financial help because they're laid off or something, the father is a deadbeat and they have to feed their children. So how do you judge where a mother really will use the money for the kid vs use it for herself? You almost need a 3rd party to be involved in feeding the kid to make sure he/she gets fed properly with this money.

What if instead of handing money to the guardians of kids, we made available daycare with food. The parents could drop off the kids where the kids would be fed and such and given a 'safe environment'. The parent then would have free time to work or to look for work. I have to believe it would help those who were really *looking* for work to find it and keep it much more easily, which would mean more money coming in for these services. And we'd be guaranteed the kids got healthy food into them.

Sure, some uncaring parents would consider this a way to dump their kids on a free babysitter and go hang out at the mall. But heck, I think those kids would be better off in a babysitting situation with trained adults vs being treated as a bothersome pest at home anyway. It might be the only time of the day they are fed and treated with care.

I've been a mother for 20 years and I still think it's the greatest thing. I'm on my last one now, he's 13 going on 25. I didn't know very much when I was young and I made a lot of mistakes. Owning up to those mistakes with my kids has done alot for my integrity. Kids make sure you are honest.

As for being a wife, I found that to be much harder. It is easy for me to be a mom where what I say goes. It's harder to share respondsibility with someone whose perspective is completely different than mine. Show me a man and woman who are "perfectly" in sync and I'll show you a couple who are hiding things from one another. There's no such thing. When it comes down to the struggles of money, kids, doctors, jobs, houses, chores, room in the bed for sleeping, stubble in the sink and the seat being left up or down, there is no perfect relationship. Throw in religion and politics and you have a mess....lol. My husband and I differ on everything, but that's the joy. Notice I used the word "joy" not "happiness". I'm not always happy but I always have joy. This is the man who will drive 2 hours in a snow storm, to go to work while I stay home. This same man will spend three and a half days at his job (sleeping there and everything) just to save us some money for other things like new basketball shoes or Windsor Pilates...lol. This man will also spend an hour talking to me on the phone when he has other things to do when I am upset. He holds me and does his best to understand and even when he doesn't he nods and trys to comfort me.

True joy is the life that I have built. It includes the dirty diapers and the rebellious teens and the driving lessons where I have left much of my hair on the passenger seat. It's the tears when they were born, the tears when he proposed, the tears when they left home, and the tears when he said he would do it all over again. I'm lucky. Or I'm blessed. Maybe I just worked real hard not to repeat too many of the same mistakes over and over again.

You are lying to yourself. Substituting "joy" for happiness is not making you actually *happier* you know.

But whatever makes it easier for you to sleep at night...

I think it's really impossible for any human being to *know* what another human being is feeling. How do you know that Jenna is lying to herself? It's a bit patronizing for you to say that to any other person, that you know better than they do what they are feeling.

I actually believe she is quite right here. There is a huge difference between happiness on a moment to moment level and the joy of being with a partner you respect. I have to say that EVERY couple I know has times where they are not happy ... but they are always joyful at being together even then.

Why would you need to accuse her of lying to say that your own thoughts on the matter differ? She never SAID she was happier. That was her whole point. She said that she was sometimes NOT happy but that there was always a joy in her life. And again, if I asked that same question to any long term couple I know, they would have the same answer.

What part do you disagree with?

Let's ask her, herself.

I disagree that it's enough for joy to respect your partner. I've been with a person I didn't love but respected. Joy that wasn't.

Oh. Yes. I put it in words similarly back then. Blah blah joy respect.

It's Ok really, I don't feel attacked. I do understnad how you see what I wrote.

No not all times have been "happy" times, but I think true "joy" comes from my perspective on the turns my life has taken over the years. I'm definatly not one of those "floating-on-air-blissfully-happy" types who attributes this "etherial feeling" solely to my husband. On the contrary, I seek to find joy even in the midst of stress and money problems and such.

I try to find contenetment in my life as it lies. I try not to dream TOO big or have standards that are to high to be met. Respect is not tolerance for me and I have found that acceptance and love is a far better approach in dealing with my family. I'm content. I'm satisfied. Therefore I have joy.

I agree with that - but she never said she didn't LOVE her husband nor did I in my agreement with her. We both LOVE and RESPECT our chosen partners. What she said is that sometimes she wasn't *happy* but she always felt *joy*. I'm not sure where you saw love being missing? You can love someone and still be unhappy with them at the moment ...? Heck any parent of a child can tell you that <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />