BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Newbie...here's my story

I am a 34 year old woman who has a 12 year old son from my first marriage. I have been married to my second husband for 8 years. We have fought periodically about stupid things, money, in-laws, whatever. Lately, though it has hit a boiling point. He is complaining about everything. When my son was sick during our vacation, I had to clean it and him up while my hubby grumbled. Then my mother came to visit for the first time in 9 years. My hubby seemed OK, but after 2 days was slamming doors and acting unhinged. After she left, I tried to talk to him. He told me I had done enough and that it would take too long to tell me all the things that I had done wrong. He slept in the Sitting Room for a week and we avoided each other. Then my great-grandmother offered to pay for a rental car so that we could visit her. My hubby wouldn't go because he won't take advantage of that nice old woman. My son and I went and had a nice time. She says she offered, and doesn't let anyone take advantage of her. When we returned, I started sleeping in the LR because things were so bad. About three days later, he all of a sudden wants to sleep on the same floor of the house. Thinks that shows that we are headed in the right direction. Sleeping near him is agony. We still have not talked and cleared the air. He wants to blame me or my family for every problem we have, and isolate me. He is overly hard on my son. He rules the house like a dictator. He is very jealous of anything I do that doesn't include him. I can't leave because we live on his disability check at the moment, and I haven't worked full-time for 3 years. Neither of us could afford our home alone, and I don't want to lose it. I am a licensed teacher who recently received a BS in Education and just fell into the job market at the wrong time. Any advice? <img src="/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I am sorry to hear of your situation...

It sounds like you hubby doesn't treat your son too well...or you for that matter.

From an outsider looking in, it seems you hubby is missing something...something he's never had the chance to get. I don't know what that is, but he is not happy and he is not dealing with it.

If you let him get snippy and "ruling", nothing will ever change...you need to find out what the story is. Life's too short to deal with that type of behavior. It pains me to see men acting like kids and not stepping up and voicing what the real story is...true act of coward-ness! <img src="/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Stand your ground! You deserve to know why he's unhappy! How can you fix it together if you don't know what's up?

Karl
http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com

I have a few thoughts adn opinions.....


Sounds to me that your husband resents something. Maybe you give your son everything and expect your husband to give to you...

Or, He thinks that you ought to help out financially. You don't have to teach, you could tutor kids after school, or just find something else untill a teaching position opens up...

I also see what I think MAY be a clue.... Then my great-grandmother offered to pay for a rental car so that we could visit her. My hubby wouldn't go because he won't take advantage of that nice old woman.
Maybe HE feels taken advantage of... do you intervene when he disciplines your son? Or do you over rule him when he "lays down the law"? Sometimes men who come into an existing family go way over the top to establish authority with a child they love very much. Maybe if you backed off just alittle, he might come around.

Sounds like he is trying to tough it out like most guys do. You could try some of these suggestions and see what happens...
Remember to be gentle. Even tho no one likes a pouty man, sometimes a little mothering and nurturing is all it takes for a guy to settle in.

Hello,

This is a common occurrence it seems, especially among women. It's what known as the "Prostitute" Archetype. It's those areas of our life that we sell out for security. Actually, you can leave. What you're saying is I'm not willing to pay the price to get out of this relationship.. This is the kind of scenario that can stretch on for decades all for "the sake of the kids" or "I don't have a job" or "I'll lose my comfort."

I disagree with the notion that men need mothering. Well, I take that back. Mama's boys that are adolescents may be boys in an adult body--and look for Mommy in a wife. Someone to dump on while she's more than willing to wipe his butt afterward, so to speak.

But for relationships where it's mature adult relating to mature adult--it's a different story. If you think the relationship has a chance, go to a therapist. Ask your husband if he'll join you.

When he married you, he took on the responsibility of father, as well. So...when your son got sick, all he could do was grumble? And not support you and help? Is this a pattern? If he's as emotionally unvailable, avoidant, passive-aggressive and dictatorial as you say he is--what's the pay off for staying? Just to keep your house? Is temporary comfort really worth putting up with this kind of behavior? What about your son? What will he learn about how to treat women from this example? Just some questions to ponder.

IMHO, it's a tolerance of emotionally abusive behavior and/or negligence that often leads to a woman tolerating physical abuse--and the abuse of the child. I'm not saying you're experiencing this, of course. I'm just saying that some women get it in their head "Oh, the poor baby just needs some mothering". (?!) Or "He's a bad apple--but if I love him enough, I'll make him into sweet applesauce." In the meantime, the woman loses a couple of teeth and any shred of self-respect she may have had in the process.

Too often women seek empowerment through their spouse and their children, and lose self-esteem and self-respect in the process. What about you? Aren't you deserving of respect? Did you marry a child to be his Mother--or a man to be your equal who will love, cherish, and respect you?

Just some things to ponder. I wish you well.