BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage do I stay or do I go????

Okay to make a very very long story short, I've been with my fiance for 6 yrs we have 2 little girls and he has a daughter from from a past marriage. He works and I don't. I'm a full time stay at home mom. my kids ages are 5 yrs and 18mos. They keep me very busy. I also of course cook, clean do all the laundry shopping and whatever else. He thinks I lead this glamouris life. He only gives me $100.00 a week to get all the groceries for a family of four. He works a stressful job I'm not down playing that. But in the past year he has moved me and my kids 3 hours away from my family and friends because of his work. I don't know anyone where we are and I am very alone. He goes to the gym everyday and out to eat all the time with his buddies. He also goes on tons of trips in the winter and summer without including his family. It's like he wants his cake and eat it too. I have nobody to talk to about this, I call my family and he gets outraged about the phone bill. I try to talk to him but he seems to not be able to see my point. It's so awful sometimes I feel i'm doing damage to my children. But he always seems to have a way of turning things around to make it look like all me. I'm tired of the one way, I think I'm a good partner and mother. I wish he could just show some appreciation for all the things I do. I think of the alternative which is leaving but I'd never be able to get on my feet because he says he'd take off. I'd love some advice thanks

Your situation does not sound like a good one at all. Before this past year, I was a stay-at-home Mom of two. I can't imagine my husband treating me the way yours does.

Personally I can feed four on $200 a month. It requires some planning and cooking from scratch. You might want to do some research on living frugally. I would be putting aside the extra cash.

Also, work on sharpening your marketable skills. And find something that uplifts and fulfills you, this in my opinion is necessary for every individual who wants to be a well rounded and happy person.

Good luck!

I agree with XLady Rogue. I too can feed a family of four off of $200 a month. when purchasing pre-cut, wrapped or cooked food items, you pay for that convenience. Indeed bank the savings.
Get into yourself and the children . Seek activities that will fulfill you.
Somehow save yourself an extra $20. If you have a Sam's Clum there you can purchase a calling card there. I usually get 600 mins. for $23. That's a lot of talk time. No big bill, no big deal.

Many Blessings

If he has health insurance, it probably pays for couple therapy. I would explain to him that you are unhappy with the current balance and would like to talk with a therapist with him. If he is threatening to abandon your kids if you break up, that is not healthy. And if he is taking trips without you, he is thinking of you as a 'person who cares for home and kids' and not as a 'partner'. It sounds like you lost the 'fun dating pair' mindset and he has put you into the 'carer for family' category.

I doubt he could claim everything is fine since you are obviously unhappy. But if he simply refuses to help by going to therapy, go by yourself. One of the most important things in life is to take care of yourself. It's hard for women - we're taught to care for others - but if you don't care for yourself first, then there IS no you to care for others.

I agree with the others on money. Talk with our frugal living host, there are many ways to survive on less than $100/week. That is your money to maintain yourself with. If you spend $50/week, save some of the extra money. Spend some on a calling card so you can call as much as you want. Support lines are critical. Get involved in a web forum or group so you have on line friends - you obviously have some sort of net connection.

And also, in some ways, use your husband as a model. He goes out with friends, goes to the gym, and travels. He is caring for his own needs. You need to do the same. Get to know local friends, either through school groups, or through hobby groups. Get your own gym time! If he goes there daily, you should at least get him to watch the kids for you so you can go 2-3 times a week. It is just as important for you to be physically healthy as it is for him. He should WANT to spend that time with his kids, since you already "hoard their attention". The kids *deserve* time with their father, since mostly they see their mother.

Don't do this in a "You get it, why can't I??" sort of complaint. Just be calm and logical about it. "I see how much you value your gym time, and how important it is to you, and how it helps your growth! You have inspired me. I, too, will put in the time and effort needed to have a healthy body." Any complaint he could have won't work - obviously if you can work out at home, so could he. So if he feels a gym is necessary, it is just as necessary for you.

And finally, something seems to have gotten lost as you became the "mom". He isn't treating you as his "lovely girl" any more. You're the same woman he dated, that he enjoyed being with. You two need to get away together at least once a month if not once a week, away from the responsibilities and chores. You have to reconnect as *two people* who truly have fun together. So start planning those getaways. It can be for a few hours, it can be for a weekend. Remind him that you *love* him and love spending personal time with him - and that you two deserve time away from everything else where you can just have fun.

We are currently working on this. We are actually getting away alone this weekend YAHOO. He has a very high stress job and I think He just needs to learn how to leave it at the door when he comes home.
Anyway I'd love to know how you guys feed your families. I thought I was a pretty smart shopper. Does that money include everything? Cause I buy all his lunch meats and bread and snacks for the kids, meals ect. Diapers wipes and supposed to get gas in my car. Shampoo, soap, laundry detergent. How do you do it. I do go to sams also. Not every week.

I'd like to ask about that $200 a month for a family of 4 also..I spend a minimal of $75 a week, a max of $150 for the 4 of us and that also includes wipes, diapers, laundry, pets, shampoo, dish detergent, cleaners and all snacks for the kids etc. I cook a nice dinner from scratch every night, and we don't eat desserts.i do alot of farm stand shopping for produce and try to buy meat in bulk. When it was just my husband and i we ate on $50 per week, but not now, noway. And i wanted to ask chloe, how could you go to the gym if he wont even pay the phone bill without a fight? would he be willing to pay for that membership? gyms where i live are pricey. (massachusetts). I can add in that once the kids are just a LITTLE older, you can get a job an things wont be so bad. Once they are in school full time you will have approx. 6 hrs a day kid-free! look to the future, alot of us have been there and lived to tell about it. Try to enjoy spending time with the kids, i look back at videos and long for those days when they were so little. It really flies by...

I just talked with a friend of mine who runs a family of 6 (4 kids, 3 hers, 1 from husband's previous wife) and she does that for about $100/wk. So if she is feeding 6 on that, you should be able to feed 4 on less. She always cuts coupons, buys whats on sale, buys in bulk, and even so she says they could get by on much less a week but they tend to splurge on fancy ice cream and such. She's in Connecticut.

I'll email our frugal living host to poke in and give some specifics.

Gym memberships aren't exactly cheap but if he gets one, I think you should get one too. In many ways he's sort of doing the "I earn it, I get to spend most of it" mindset, but you two could even go to the gym together and get a sitter once a week and it could be your 'together time' that is also rewarding for you both.

I also agree that in a few years you'll miss when the kids are tiny. So part of the solution for now could be to make the most of your few years of 'quiet time'. Yes, he's going out and "missing out" in his children. You on the other hand have endless fun available. Go to science centers. Go to zoos. Go to parks. He can't complain about the money - he's going out to eat and drink all the time. This is your 'entertainment' budget for the family.

If you always invite him along, and he always has to say no, it will become more obvious just how much he is choosing other 'fun' rather than your 'fun' and that both are important, both are worthy of funding and both should get a balanced time-commitment from him.

And again, make LOTS of time for yourself. The beauty of not having a stressful job with a boss is that you set your own schedule. Get back into reading books if you've stopped. Pick up the hobby you set aside. You will REALLY find that if you take even an hour a day while the kids are napping to paint or sew or garden, that it makes your world one you really enjoy.

To Ash_lasko:

I budget for $400 which includes food, household supplies, cleaning supplies, pet food...everything. I usually don't spend this much and have even gone so low as to spend $145 for two weeks worth of food and supplies.

I assume my expenses will go up a bit after the baby comes but I don't expect a drastic increase since I plan to breastfeed, cloth diaper, use cloth wipes, make my own baby food, ect.

My biggest advantage is stocking up and my best advice is to meal plan and look for good deals. I shop at Sam's, Wal-mart, local dollar stores and discount stores. I buy in bulk when possible and buy extra when there are sales. I also cook from scratch so there are few costly packaged items in my cart.

What I do is get the sale papers and see who has the cheapest prices. I make a meal plan based on what I currently have and what I plan to buy on sale. The rest of my shopping will be for the rest of the necessary ingredients or items I can not do without.

Again, I cook from scratch as much as I can. Certain foods can be prepared/cooked and then frozen for later meals. These are great as quick meals or in place of more expensive cold cuts for sandwhiches. As for snacks for the kids, I'll buy some packaged and we make some. Veggies and fruits are a great alternative and you can plant your own of these.

I admit that lately I have gotten away from "my plan" and we are suffering for it...both in health and finances. I am looking forward to getting back on track.

I feed a family of 4 including our cat for $200 a month. As far as gym memberships, check to see if you have a Curves for Women in your area. My membership is only $29 per month and I can exercise everyday if I want. www.curvesforwomen.com